Kids These Days 47

Its stories like this that make me happy that I'm not a kid these days. A mother named Andrea Stumpf called the cops on her 9 year old daughter and had her arrested and charged with battery after she hit her 6 year old sister in the head. When police arrived she, the mother, showed video footage she took of the incident to police instead of, say, stopping it from happening because fuck intervening. After seeing the footage the police arrested the kid.

Now.

If a kid was arrested for fighting their siblings in my house me and all my brothers would've been thrown in jail and I would have been tried for putting my sister in the Texas Cloverleaf. I am not going to guess what kind of parent this lady is. No father was mentioned so there's that. But why would you stand there and film your child getting hit by anyone? Why get the police involved unless the kid was just one of the asshole kids that have always existed and born bad? Don't act like they don't exist. We all knew a few growing up. I would never be able to live with or forgive one of my parents if they called the cops on me.

Click here for previous Kids These Days.

Dante Vs. Nature 47

I was looking around online and came across a creature I didn't know existed. I know there are thousands and thousands of weird animals and insects and fish on this planet. Just a veritable mixture of bullshit that nature spits out and says to us “Accept this.” And I reply to nature “No.” This creature is called the Damascus goat and it creeps me right the fuck out.

Its not like there's some strange information about it other than it is bred in and raised in Syria and Lebanon for milk and giving me bad dreams. I mean, how could I have made it this long in my life and never seen this damned thing somewhere? That's what makes this even worse. The fact that it existed for so long without me knowing.

Man Shoots Own Face During Argument

A Florida man shot himself in the face during an argument with his wife because guns don't kill people. 57 year old Dennis Eugene Emery got into a argument with his wife when he thought it would be a good idea to point the gun at the family dog. This was all happening this morning at 6am which as someone who grew up in a fighting household is way too early to be starting shit. So while Dennis was pointing the gun at the dog he cocked the hammer because fuck you safety is for girls.

While trying to release the hammer the gun went off and he shot himself in the face and died. This sounds like something out of a Coen Brothers movie. Police in the area had been in touch (meaning had to deal with) this guy a total of 34 times, three of them being in the last five days for domestic battery and aggravated assault. In 1977 he was charged with drunk driving, being drunk in public in 1983, and domestic violence charges last year. There are so many questions I have. How can someone be in trouble with the police that many times and not be in prison? How were he and his wife allowed to be near each other? What were they fighting about? Did the dog really do it? So many questions!

While You Were Sleeping: Daniel Handler Insult

I barely heard about this story and am surprised that it didn't make more news. That is why I write this nonsense. An author of children books aimed at Black children Jacqueline Woodson received a National Book Award for her book Brown Girl Dreaming. After accepting the award author Daniel Handler who is best known for his Lemony Snicket novels got up to tell what he thought would be a funny joke.

Now, before I get to what he said I need to just say this to you, the reader, and I want you to share this information with your friends: read the room. You can't just say whatever comes to mind or whatever you think is funny and expect everyone to agree with you.

History Of My Homes

Growing up I moved a lot. I have always wanted to have pictures of every house I grew up in or at least what my room looked like. While I do not have the latter, I do have Google and with it I can look at images of my old houses. Above is my Grandmama's house. I had to put that because from birth to 9 years old I spent my morning till afternoons there. I've found each of the seven houses I lived in with my family before escaping to West Hollywood and will write about the good and the bad about each. Also how long we lived there as far as I can recall.

89th St. (11 years)

This is the first house I grew up in and when I think of my childhood sticks out the most. I loved this house so much. I was here from birth until 11 and it sucked to leave it. Out of all the houses on the street this one, meaning my old one, looks different. Every other house looks exactly the same.

Good: Huge backyard. Like...really huge. My cousin lived next door and that was fun. Lots of kids on the street. Thrifty's ice cream that became the Western Swap Meet later. Mr. Bros. shaved ice shop/arcade that was owned by my next door neighbor. Singer Karen White lived right across the street. “I'm not your Superwoman...” Nice fireplace. Big front porch.

What People Care About This Week: Bill Cosby Rape Allegations

You ever have one of those situations in life or a series of events that happened that you had hoped was gone and no one would bring up again? I'm sure Bill Cosby does. For the past few weeks his history of rape allegations has been front and center in his life and while it was known by the public for quite some time it didn't come to the forefront again until a stand up routine by comedian Hannibal Buress where he made this statement.

“And it's even worse because Bill Cosby has the fucking smuggest old black man public persona that I hate. Pull your pants up, black people. I was on TV in the '80s. I can talk down to you because I had a successful sitcom. Yeah, but you raped women, Bill Cosby. So, brings you down a couple notches. I don't curse on stage. Well, yeah, you're a rapist, so, I'll take you sayin' lots of motherfuckers on Bill Cosby: Himself if you weren't a rapist. I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns. I've done this bit on stage, and people don't believe. People think I'm making it up. That shit is upsetting. If you didn't know about it, trust me. You leave here and Google ‘Bill Cosby rape.' It's not funny. That shit has more results than Hannibal Buress.”

Since then it has resulted in shows canceling interviews with Cosby, more allegations or various forms of sexual misconduct, the cancellation of an upcoming Netflix series, and interviews that are uncomfortable for everyone except the interviewer because this stuff gets views and attention. I think the interviews bother me because it is the perfect example of the “gotcha media” that Sarah Palin's crazy ass used to complain about.

"Solus Ipse" Part 2

Click here for previous Solus Ipse.

Pritchard and Donovan sat across from Captain Lowes and tried to calmly weather the storm. He was known for having a bad temper. They were used to his outbursts. But this one was bad. The morning paper sat in front of him on his desk. A bloody picture of yet another victim stared at them from the cover.

Lowes sighed and let his breath out fast. He looked at Pritchard and then Donovan. Taking the paper and balling it up, he tossed it across the room and against his door sending paper flying everywhere.

“Shit!” he shouted. The entire station seemed to immediately silence. “Any new information? Any?” Lowes was not really expecting an answer. He looked at Donovan and waited for her to say something. At times like this she usually did. This time she did not.

“Fucking Christ. You know what's gonna happen? Do you? Do you have any fucking clue what's gonna happen if we don't find this sick son of a bitch yesterday?! Goddamn it. Look. I know you two are trying hard but I need you to try harder.”

“Is this a pep talk?” Donovan asked. Pritchard looked at her and rolled his eyes. She was feeling the pressure from this case. The media had dubbed it “The Fairplay Killings” on account of the various victims that have been murdered. Donovan hated the media. “Because while you're telling us...”

Kids These Days 46

There is a father named Kevin Jones that found out that his daughter was lying about her age to older guys online. She had created accounts that he was unaware of and against his rules so he decided to embarrass her. She also had a little secret boyfriend. Instead of beating the hell out of her like what would've happened when I was little (and will get you arrested nowadays) he got an outfit for her.

He later posted on his Facebook page this message. My main problem with this is that he decided to share it on social media and didn't bother to correct the spelling.

“Since my beautiful daughter wants to be grown & lie about her age. Saying she is 14,15,16,&18 years old. She claims to be in love and going out with a boyfriend which is completely against my rules!!!! I uncovered that she has been doing this for quite some time.

She also has snuck and obtained social media accounts, also against my rules!!!! Heres the consequences behind her actions. An age defining shirt. Yes people she is 5'9 & 10years old. ‪#‎BuddiesBarrettesBallBalls‬.”

"Solus Ipse" Part 1

3am is no time for anyone concerned with their safety to be out. There is nothing but criminals and those that are paid to stop them prowling the streets. And the random victim who has yet to learn these rules.

Sara was one of these victims.

Lured into a restroom at a gas station miles from her home by a friendly face, she was the perfect prey for one such as Albert Dukes. Albert stood 5'11” and weighed 185lbs. His closely cropped hair and style of dress attracted glances from many women. This was all intentional.

“You're not there. I mean, I see you but you're really not there. I can smell you. I can touch you. I can hear every word they you're saying. But...you're not there. You say that I'm hurting you and I can plainly see that I indeed am hurting you, but you see, I really am not hurting you. I see the blood flowing from your wounds and yet...”

Alfred crouched down in front of his victim. A young high school student named Sara Lawrence. Her eyes were wide with fear. Alfred did not care. He slowly inserted the blade into Sara's bound legs and sighed. Her scream was muffled by an old sock and duct tape. Albert dabbed his index finger into the blood now pooling around her arm and put it to his lips.

He smiled for a moment knowing that if he were to look at his reflection that he would appear to be wearing lipstick. He looked into Sara's eyes and pursed his lips.

"Goldbrick" by Dante Ross Part 2 of 3

Click here for part 1.

35 decided that since this would be his last day staying on Earth that he would do something he'd never done before: talk to someone. All of his time on the planet he decided to never utter a word to anyone. Too many languages he decided and the longer he stayed the more there were. It was an unending wall of speech that he could not be bothered with.

After all, he was supposed to destroy the planet thousands of years ago.

This was a very active planet, nothing like where he came from, and the humans loved to hear themselves. Where 35 was from if anyone made a sound the entire city would pause in confusion. It took him years to get used to the birds on Earth alone. Flight was something he had never seen. On his planet they would just...appear somewhere they needed to be.

What are you doing, 35?

“I am getting dressed.”

Why? You should be initiating--

“I know, I know” 35 said mockingly. “Initiate the revolt of the stars. I have all morning, afternoon, and evening to initiate everything. What's the rush?”

I Don't Want A Cell Phone or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Loved Being Unreachable

There are a few reactions folks have when I tell them that I don't have a cell phone. People that do not know me well think that I'm some anti-technology weirdo that is making a strange stance against the future. Some of my friends think I am just being stubborn. Other friends know that I just don't need one.

I think a lot of the fear that people have of not owning a cell phone comes from an inability to take responsibility for their actions. People show up late but think it is fine since they can call, as they are running late, to explain that they will not be on time.

How courteous of them.

People ask me “What if you need directions?” I tell them that I check that information before I leave the house. Then the next question is “What if you get lost?” Look. This isn't the Old Frontier. If I get lost there is no chance of me dying of starvation or being attacked by bandits. Plus, I'm a grown ass man. If I leave the house and get lost I accept that responsibility.

Dante Explains Shit: Marijuana Laws

Weed! Marijuana. Ganja. The Devil's Weed. Papa Smurf. I made the last one up. Its known by many things but illegal is the most prevalent. Now, while marijuana laws are slowly changing possessing weed will get you in jail or fined no matter how much of it you have. Most people just think that weed is bad and should be illegal without really know why it is in the first place. So in this Dante Explains Shit I'm gonna do a Cliff Notes version of the history of marijuana and how it got to the point where smoking a plant will get your freedom taken away.

Since the 1800's marijuana was used for medical purposes. People like to think that only in recent decades its been used to treat pain and illnesses but its been hundreds of years. I think I need to clarify something. When people think of hemp they think of marijuana. You can not get high from hemp no matter how much you smoke. Though they are from the same plant one is male and the other female.

Hemp is used for many things. Fabric, building material, and also paper. Hemp is one of the strongest materials on the planet and unlike most plants. The sails of ships were made of the stuff. Jeans were made from it. The first two drafts of the Declaration of Independence were written on it. Hemp is cheap, strong, and easy to grow. Like my penis.

Inspirational Quotes Are The Worse

I'm that guy that hates inspirational quotes. I can't just look at one, nod, smile, and move on. I start to analyze the quote, judge who it came from, and find out what else they said or did with their life. By the time I'm done I can't even remember where I started. I just know that I'm now annoyed.

I think my issue started when I was younger. I would hear someone tell another human that was going through some rough shit that God had a plan for them and not to worry or be sad about it. I would be like “Wow, what did you do to piss God off and what can I do to avoid it?!” Telling someone that God has a plan for them is not helpful. Not only is it not helpful its presumptuous. Maybe God is busy with other things and forgot about your nonsense. Like Korean Jesus.

"Goldbrick" by Dante Ross Part 1 of 3

Wake up.

I don't want to move.

Wake. Up.

Not yet.

Initiate revolt of the stars.

“Okay, I'm up!” 35 shouted though he did not move.

Stand.

“But...I'm comfortable” 35 whined. He felt a slight tremble in the dimensional spectrum and quickly rolled out of his hammock landing on the dock overlooking the sea. No matter where 35 was assigned he would move towards the ocean. It reminded him of home.

Limbless Suspect And Ambulance Theft

Fucking Florida, man. I just don't even know anymore. 30 year old Sean Petrozzino has been on the run from police who want to question him about a double murder. Yes. Murder most foul! It is reported that he moved back into his parents home after separating from his wife due to some financial issues. The last time he was seen is in this surveillance photo getting cash from an ATM. Police say he is a “person of interest” which is code for “Time for a new identity!” 

You may notice that he ain't got no hands. He also has no legs. He got bacterial meningitis years ago and that shit was a wrap. Police found the bodies of his parents after his mother who is a teacher didn't show up for work. This guy has been on the run ever since. There is a joke there that I refuse to make. Police also say that he is armed with a gun. I shit you not, I am not making this stuff up! I am amazed that he has been able to stay out of custody so far. He can't be hard to miss. 

In other crazy ass news involving guys an 18 year old named Stefan Sortland of Colorado was arrested after stealing an ambulance. While treating an intoxicated student suffering from seizures the EMT's come outside and wouldn't you know it, their ambulance was gone. Could you imagine being on a stretcher and being wheeled outside and the damned ride was missing?

Amy Jo Johnson Makes Me Happy

Back in the early 90's my little sister was a he fan of the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers. I hated them by default because she loved them but one day I decided to watch the show and fell in love with one of the characters. The Pink Ranger played by Amy Jo Johnson was the business! I thought she was around my age when that show came out but it turns out that she was about 10 years older. Yeah, she's one of those humans that has the ability to do that like Stacey Dash. She I watched the show and pined for her because she always work very short shorts and liked to do flips all the time on the show. It was hot. I was buying what she was selling. I was picking up what she was putting down. I was smelling what she was cooking. But then she left the show and there was a rotating cast that I never bought into like the regular one.

She ended up popping up on Felicity and I was like “That's the Pink Ranger!” because I'm a dick and can't let go of the past. I watched the show longer than I wanted to just because she was on it and the internet wasn't around so I couldn't just find which episodes she would be on. Then she appeared on this show I watch on Ion sometimes called Flashpoint.

Dante Vs. Nature 46

People do some stupid stuff when it comes to nature. I like to leave it alone. A few nights ago a bee got into my apartment. Now, bees shouldn't be around right now let alone around 7pm at night. This bee was stupid and met its end underneath a size 13 Converse. Then there are people that not only want to go into nature voluntarily, but they go into nature and dare it to do the last thing that you want nature to do to you.

A naturalist named Paul Rosolie wants to die before he reaches his 27th birthday. He plans on getting inside of an anaconda. Not, like, a dead one where he'll wear it like a suit. But get inside of it while it is alive, allowing himself to be eaten whole. Or swallowed. Eaten would imply death which is possible. That is why he designed a suit to keep that from happening.

Dating Outside Your Race

Dating outside of your race can be a tricky thing depending on how you were raised, who you know, how your family responds to other races, and what your friends are like. I have never been told to my face by an actual friend that they had a problem with someone I was dating because of their race. Other things, yes. But not because of their race. Likely because my group of friends are all kinds of races. Black, White, Asian, Canadian. Yeah. That's a race now.

But I have heard from my mother that all I do is date White women. Even back in school this was an accusation that held no water since I couldn't even get a girlfriend consistently. But still the shadow of the White woman hung over my head.

Dante Explains Shit: Ebola

I like to think that I can explain complicated things in a way that even the dumbest of people can understand. Its not true, but I like to think it. Today I am going to try to explain what the hell Ebola is. A lot of people are afraid of it and freaking out yet not doing anything to actually protect themselves from it. We have a bunch of Chicken Little's running around and those are the types of people that make things worse. There is a difference between vigilant and panicky.

Ebola is a disease that is transmitted from animals to humans because we just can not stop touching the monkeys! Its like getting HIV without the benefit of sex or getting high. After a human gets it they can spread it to other humans because sharing is caring. If you do have the for reals Ebola there is a 50% chance you will die but not before giving it to someone else because you hate washing your hands and shit wherever you please.

"I play in poop!"

The first outbreaks of Ebola occurred in Central Africa (South Central Africa as I like to say) but the current one is in West Africa. The best way to stop an outbreak is to do the opposite of everything that has been done. Managing suspected and confirmed cases, keeping track of them, doctors that know what they're doing, and if need be proper burial.

Five Things I Learned Watching Porn

This is my 1400th post on this site. Yay! And how fitting that the thing I'm gonna write about is porn. Now, a lot of people say they aren't into porn. They have been labeled by society as “liars.” Yeah, I now there are a lot of folks not into it and say its gross. We call those people “prudes.” I think people who watch porn and hate it had a bad experience. My first real porn experience was terrible.

I had watched bad Playboy channel porn (even when it was scrambled!) and thought that was real porn. No. I was so...so wrong. One day I watched a porn with nothing but Black folks, a new experience, and these people were so greasy and wet. And things were going into places and stuff was coming out of things. Shit blew my mind.

And I wanted more.

So after years of gathering information I wouldn't say I was lying if I called myself an expert on porn. In this Five Things I Learned Watching Porn I'm gonna talk about the five things that stick out the most, and I'm not talking about Lexington Steele. Besides all the hours I've logged personally I also worked in a porn shop for seven years. Yes. It is as sad as it sounds. By clicking read more you give up all rights to be horrified.

What People Care About This Week: Brittany Maynard

This week 29 year old Brittany Maynard decided to end her life through means of a medicine that is available through a doctor in the state of Oregon. She began speaking for patient rights after being diagnosed with a powerful form of brain cancer, glioblastoma, and given six months to live. She posted a farewell message on her Facebook page.

“Goodbye to all my dear friends and family that I love. Today is the day I have chosen to pass away with dignity in the face of my terminal illness... the world is a beautiful place, travel has been my greatest teacher, my close friends and folks are the greatest givers...goodbye world. Spread good energy. Pay it forward!”

Oregon has something called the Death With Dignity Act. If someone is terminally ill and in the right state of mind they have the option to end their life. She had to move to Oregon just to have the opportunity to end her life this way. She knew what that form of cancer was gonna do to her and decided she didn't want that or to put her family and husband through that.

Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Deepining

It's that time again. I went online and found some more dating questions. This time it is a list I found of some of the worst dating questions you can ask on the first date. As someone that has not dated much and likely never will again, I still feel compelled to find this kinda stuff and do it. This list came from eHarmony, that dating site. You know the one. Happy people meet each other online and then make babies.

Its easy. Why aren't you on there?!

When I get to know people I like knowing basic information because that tends to be far more interesting than asking about your job. I never ask people about what they do for a living unless it is brought up and super interesting or funny. Otherwise its just what you do to not be homeless.

I have been asked some of the questions on his list and will try to answer each of them as honestly as possible...meaning far too much honesty and telling you all shit that you probably don't even need or want to know about me. Let's begin!

Woman Arrested Four Times In Two Weeks

This lady is thirsty! Megan Davis Hoelting who is 31 (or so reports say though I have my strong doubts) of Williamson County, Texas was charged with felony burglary after she broke into her husband's friends house and tried to give his wang some mouthasizing. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. While he was sleeping he woke up when he felt Megan straddling his legs and wearing just her draws. Then he felt her mouth on his junk and was like “Whoa whoa whoa! Ew! Not from you!” That is not a direct quote and should not be considered one. Its just what I would have said if I woke up to this particular person trying it. Or maybe not. Its been a while. No. I wouldn't. For sure I wouldn't. He told her to leave, she decided that staying was a better idea, and then he called the police. Damn, I would've loved to hear that call.

“Police! Yes. There's a woman in my home trying to suck my dick! Yes, a woman! What? Uh, she's blond. About 5 foot 3. 130 pounds. Excuse me? No, I'm not gay! Yes, I'm single! Say again? Well, because she looks like Gollum in Lord of the Rings before he finally succumbed to the power of the one true ring, that's why!”

Jared Diet Drives Man To Crime

Some people get more upset about their Subway sandwiches than I do. Zachary Torrance who is 18 going on Lunacy robbed four different Subway locations in Alabama. He is allegedly upset that the Jared Diet didn't work for him and decided that he was gonna get him back by stealing from the stores. He is locked up with $250,000 bond which means if his ass wants to be free anytime soon he'll have to rob a lot more stores. I hope he was kidding about the motive he gave cops for arresting him. I also hope he isn't actually 18 years old because, my god, he looks rough. This is the face I wish I could have if I ever went to prison. No one is trying to touch this guys booty. 

Also, if anyone believes that Jared Diet they must be rich because Subway ain't cheap and they make ugly sammiches. At least near me they do. Using  fast food place as either your diet or primary source of weight loss is never a good idea. Wonder how long he was even on the diet before he said “Fuck it. Not working. Gotta commit some crime.” Since he is young I am gonna guess two weeks. I know how easily these young folks give up when handed some kinda challenge. 

What People Care About This Week: Catcalling PSA

Last week I saw a video featuring a woman named Shoshana Roberts that is an actress walking the streets of New York and being catcalled by a bunch of different guys. When I saw it I had a range of emotions and none of them were what would be called “surprised.” Dudes catcall. Here in L.A I have said for years that different races do it differently with Latino men being in the lead for most hardcore at it. They will physically move women with their gaze!

I had a lot of problems with this video. A lot of men I read commenting on this did as well but I don't have the angle that they're coming at it with. Just yesterday I had a guy catcalling me. He tried three times. Yes, I am a dude in case anyone is new here and puzzled. What you know about that West Hollywood Life? When I walked my cousin to her car and came back he whistled to me and said “Hey, brother? Look over here!” Of course I didn't because besides not being gay being whistled at will not get me to respond to you. I'm not a dog.