"Doom Mates: The Movie" Part 1

It has finally arrived! "Doom Mates: The Movie" is here with all of your favorites and some you could've done without seeing again! Dante has a secret weapon that he knows will help him get Michael, Jason, Pretty Ricky, and even Death out of the house. Will he use it? Watch and find out! Check back every few days for the next installment.

Dante vs. Nature 5

Fuck nature. Fuck it in the ear. I started doing these in the hopes that it would make me get a better understanding of why I don't go into nature and try to stay away from it. But all’s its done in make me want to seal up my home in bubble wrap and shake in a corner violently. This is a list of creatures that people see and think are cute. I see them as the equivalent of wrapping a baseball bat in cotton candy.

Panda. “The giant panda, or panda (Ailuropoda melanoleuca, literally meaning ‘black and white cat-foot’ is a bear native to central-western and south western China. It is easily recognized by its large, distinctive black patches around the eyes, over the ears, and across its round body. Though it belongs to the order Carnivora, the panda's diet is 99% bamboo. Pandas in the wild will occasionally eat other grasses, wild tubers, or even meat in the form of birds, rodents or carrion. In captivity they may receive honey, eggs, fish, yams, shrub leaves, oranges, or bananas along with specially prepared feed.”

Comic Book Family Trees

Every once in a while someone will send me one of these family trees done by artist Joe Stone. I fucking love these things. But there’s always a couple of the characters where I go “Damn it, I should know who that is!” Check these out. They’re pretty damned cool.

Mr. Fantastic Is An Asshole

Reed Richards aka Mr. Fantastic is well known as the leader of The Fantastic Four. One of the smartest men in the world. Loving father and brother in law. I know him as probably the biggest asshole in the history of comic books. I know that by looking at him you wouldn’t think so. Its not like he hides his face from the public. Hell, their base of operations is open to the public. Who’d be stupid enough to hang out at a place that Galactus could wreck any moment is stupid, but sometimes tourists do what tourists do.

Reed grew up a smart kid. At the age of 19 he met his future wife Sue Storm…who was 13. More on her later. One day he gets his wife, her brother Johnny Storm, and his best friend of years Ben Grimm and says “Hey. They are gonna shut down this program I wanna do. I say let’s grab that shuttle, head into space, and well probably be okay. Cool?” Being the good friends that they are they decide to go with him. Fast forward to them getting screwed! They come back with powers and Grimm becomes The Thing; a monstrous creature made of rock who is so honked up that they couldn’t even come up with a creative name.

I mentioned Sue Storm aka Invisible Woman and her relationship with Reed. He is such an absentee husband that Namor, a fucking fish king, was like “He cant please you the way I can!” He took her and her brother into space on a mission that was likely to fail and risked their lives. He spends so much time on his experiments, which he does a lot but nothing ever gets better, that he ignores her. And then there was that one time he bitch-slapped her. That happened. It was because she had a difficult first birth, lost her second child, and was emotional.

Then there’s The Illuminati. Richards belongs to a group of guys that are running shit behind the scenes. Black Bolt, Dr. Strange, Iron Man, Professor X, Namor, and Reed for years it turns out have been making moves that have affected the Marvel universe for years. Yes, he is smart but out of the entire group he is the weakest one and that includes Tony Stark who is almost as smart but knew to make a badass costume. If you don’t agree with me that Reed Richards is an asshole you’re probably a fan. One of three. And that's just sad.

Hollywood Hates Comic Books 2

This is the second installment of Hollywood Hates Comic Books. You can see the first few by clicking in this sexy little area. For a minute I was like “Why cant I think of any bad comic book based movies…?” All of a sudden my brain went Johnny Pneumonic and flooded my head with way too many bad films. This time I am just going with three of them. And they are pretty damned bad. Why cant Hollywood play nice?

Vietnam vet has his son and wife murdered after seeing a mob hit. After seeing this shit happen Frank Castle becomes The Punisher and uses his skills as a soldier to kill bad people. He uses any means to dispatch of his foes including guns, torture, rockets, blowtorches, or whatever the hell he can get his hands on. He once used a polar bear to maul someone who worked for an evil old woman. That happened! At one point he kills the entire Marvel universe. Seems impossible but its right there in stores for purchase. When criminals see the skull they pretty much know that jail is an option if they manage to develop the ability to dodge hundreds of bullets.

FBI agent Frank Castle retires from his job. While vacationing his entire family is murdered. And by his entire family I mean everyone because it’s a reunion. He is shot and found in the river by a fisherman. He takes the skull shirt his son gave him and goes on a mission to kill John Travolta…who replaces the evil old woman in this version. Instead of torturing someone with a blowtorch he uses a delicious popsicle. Quirky neighbors and such make him damn near lovable. By the way I had to choose between three films and this one was the worst. It was as if they tried their best to make sure another movie was never made. But there was.

Elektra is an assassin that wants to avenge the death of her father. She is awesome as hell and super violent with her sais. She is in love with Daredevil but way too extreme for him. She is killed by Bullseye with him ramming her own weapon all up in her ribcage. Though she has no superpowers she (once she came back to life) is able to hang with some of the toughest characters in the world. Never quite reaching the potential she should’ve in comics, she is still one of the best female creations of course from Frank Miller.

Doe eyed Elektra comes back to life after being killed in the equally terrible Daredevil film because a blind man (Stick) brought her back. He teaches her magic that allows her the ability to see into the future and bring the dead back to life. He ends up getting rid of her dumb ass because she cant let go of her rage. Rage that Jennifer Garner does not have the acting chops to accomplish. Her new powers show her that a girl she met and the girls father are going to be killed so she decides that she doesn’t want to be a contract killer anymore but that she wants to protect them.

Dr. Bruce Banner is a physicist that ends up being bombarded with gamma radiation while saving the life of a jackass who becomes his friend who was riding his bike on a nuclear testing ground. He is a meek little guy but now when he gets pissed he becomes The Incredible Hulk. He has two setting: human scared of transforming into monster and monster that wants to kill anything that annoys him. He is so damned powerful that the most powerful beings in the Marvel universe got together and tricked him into leaving Earth. He came back better and beat all their asses.

David Banner, the father of Bruce, uses himself as a guinea pig to make his DNA better. It passes on to his unborn son who grows up to be a scientist. As a baby he cries and turns green which happens in the first minute of the movie and was my cue to leave but I didn’t because I’m stupid. Bruce later grows up and when angry transforms into a Hulk. His father later turns himself into a element manipulating creature but not before creating dogs that can “Hulk out.” The small Banner is replaced by an actor that is large enough to be painted green and play the main character himself. Wrong cast, wrong effects, wrong storyline, wrong all around.

Dante Hates New Years Day

Oh, New Years. Everyone fears it and loves it at the same time. No one wants to be alone on when that monkey ass clock strikes midnight. I have never had two of the damn things be the same since I’ve moved out of my parents home. That means that I have had the opportunity to have about fourteen different ways to have the night suck ass. My plan has always been to be drunk, making out with someone, or both. Rarely is it the case where I have these occur. Not even at a gathering of thousands where there are drugs everywhere. This is one about a rave.

Dante vs. Nature 4

People keep thinking that I’m joking when I say nature hates me as much as I hate it. This week I battled a grasshopper. Maybe it was a cricket. I don’t give a damn. It had a top hat on and was killed immediately. Then a moth the size of a child’s imagination attacked me while watching TV. So imagine me in Africa. That is never happening. I have no desire to visit the Motherland. I’m part Native American anyway so I’m already home.

Cape Buffalo. “The African buffalo is a very robust species. Its shoulder height can range from 3.3 to 5.6 ft and its head-and-body length can range from 5.6 to 11 ft. Savannah type buffaloes weigh 1,100 to 2,000 lbs., with males, normally larger than females. The horns of African buffalo are very peculiar. A characteristic feature of them is the fact that the adult bull's horns have fused bases, forming a continuous bone shield referred to as a ‘boss,’ which can not always be penetrated even by a rifle bullet.”

Remember When Wolverine Was Cool?

Remember when Wolverine was the coolest comic book character? The claws. The healing factor. Banging hot chicks. The claws. It didn’t matter that some artist drew him barely over 5 feet tall. You wanted to be this crazy ass bastard. Hell, I own a set of Wolverine claws (and a cool ass Right Fist Of Doom from a sassy Munky)! They are cool as shit and very, very sharp! He was right up there with Batman in terms of how awesome he was. At one point Marvel and DC did a crossover where they created (Amalgam) new characters mixing two. Darkclaw was the idea that came from it.

"I was this close to being cool..."

I’m not exactly sure when Wolverine stopped being cool. One theory is when he got his Adamantium ripped out by Magneto and it turned out that not only did he have claws already, but he began to revert into some kind of animal creature and lost his nose. I’m not kidding. The people that run one of the top comic book companies in the world thought this was a good idea. Have a noseless Wolverine that can not speak and walks around looking like The Maxx on speed. Great idea!

Maybe it was finding out his origin. One of the cool things about Wolverine was that he didn’t know shit about his past. No one knew how old he was. You could just make things up and be like “Logan, that happened…” and he’d run into the forest screaming “Jean!!!” and weeping to himself. His history was cluttered and crazy but it was fine because no one, not even him, knew the truth. Then one day they decided to explain his lame ass history that pretty much went against everything you knew or thought ruled about him. I imagined him popping them claws for the first time and laughing. Or being raised by wolves. Not this whiny little bitch.

Perhaps it was when he finally got his own movie and there wasn’t a drop of blood in it. I’m not kidding. Go and watch Wolverine: Origins again. Though he fights Sabertooth who also uses his clawed hands as a weapon and neither draw blood. In the X-Men films he cried like a little girl when Jean Grey died. He only went nuts with his claws once. Once, I say! Out of three films! This is depressing. So, yeah. Just try to think fondly of those days when you would think of Wolverine and imagine popping your claws in someone’s back and growling.

Hollywood Hates Comic Books

Hollywood is accused a lot of times of rebooting or rehashing things. When it comes to comic books the same rule applies. There have been a few Superman, Batman, and Hulk films that change actors or pretend the last films didn’t happen in the first place. These are some (of lord knows how many) comic book based films that I would love to be seen done correctly.

Wanted

Kid with shitty job, girlfriend, and life meets hot Black chick who kills everyone in a restaurant and tells him that his father was recently killed (right before watching some dudes have sex and recording it on tape). Turns out dad was known as The Killer and belonged to The Fraternity; a group of super villains who gathered one day and defeated every hero in the world and erased the world’s memory making them forget heroes ever existed. He rapes, kills, and causes mayhem just for fun. Father returns saying he faked his death and has his son kill him to inherit millions of dollars and it all ends happily ever after.

Kid with shitty job, girlfriend, and life meets skinny White woman who stops an assassin from killing him in market. Finds out father was killed and belonged to a group known as The Fraternity. This group has mastered the ability to make bullets turn in the air. Oh, and they take their orders from a loom. A fucking loom. In the end everyone dies except the kid who threatens Hollywood and the public with a sequel. Please don’t. There are no costumes or super villains in this entire movie.

Catwoman

Burglar Selina Kyle spends her free time stealing cash and mostly jewelry from some of the wealthiest people in Gotham City. Has on again and off again relationship with Batman. Before beginning a life of crime spent time training in martial arts and being a prostitute. As a child both her parents die (suicide and alcoholism) and she is placed in an orphanage. Tries to get administrator arrested for stealing money but is caught and tossed in river in a sack. She comes back and has him erase her name from records. Catwoman is very resilient. A fairly simple story that would be pretty impossible to ruin, right?

Artist and graphic designer Patience Phillips overhears the makeup company she works for is still planning to sell a makeup that causes disfigurement. They find her and she tries to escape through a pipe but ends up drowning. A cat brings her back to life and she discovers she now has cat-like abilities like throwing her leg over her head and licking herself and saying terrible puns. She wears a mask and torn leather pants and begins to fight crime. Seriously. This was filmed for $100,000,000. I still have no idea where $99,000,000 of that money went to. Maybe the Thai stuntman that did all the hard stuff. I'm serious. A tiny man did all those flippy moves. Think about that when you're touching yourself to this movie.

Hellblazer: John Constantine

Londoner John Constantine while in his mothers womb strangled his twin brother with an umbilical cord. She then died giving birth. He grows up knowing how to use magic but chooses not to deciding to fight dirty instead. All of his friends die just from knowing him. He is a total asshole that hates his abilities and ha demon blood from having sex with a succubus and a transfusion with a demon. His look is based off of musician Sting.

John Constantine does exorcisms for a living with his assistant who is pretty useless. He is hired to investigate the murder of a cops twin sister. Meanwhile a Mexican guy finds a weapon, the Spear Of Destiny, and is walking to L.A to bring evil. Constantine fights bug men, crazy ass angels, and even Satan himself…until he stops Constantine from dying and cures him of lung cancer. This movie loses on so many levels the highest being Shia LeBouf.

Superman

An alien child from Krypton lands on Earth, specifically Smallville, Kansas. They teach him to be a good man. He stands for “truth, justice, and the American way.” He’s saved the planet more times than he can count. Battles creatures to protect not only his city of Metropolis, but the world. Works by day as a reporter. In love with fellow reporter Lois Lane for decades. Wears bright blue suit with red underwear and looks as if he is chiseled from stone. One of the most powerful comic book characters ever created. He has heat vision, freeze breath, super speed, super strength, and the ability to fly. Only weaknesses are Kryponite and magic.

An alien child returns back to Earth after leaving for years. He left but not before reversing the planets rotation to save one person, using the ability to teleport, create holograms of himself, freezing entire lakes (animals and possible swimmers be damned) to put out a fire, kissing the woman he reversed the planet for and making her forget his secret identity after having sex with her, and using his shield on his chest to wrap a villain. Finds out that Lois Lane is now dating Cyclops and mopes. He then gets stabbed with a Kryptonite knife, raises a Kryptonite mountain from the sea and throws it, and finds out that he has a son. Everything I said happened.

Batman Is Better Than You

Batman fucking rules. The end. That would set a record for my shortest blog. Honestly, that’s all I should have to write. Batman is the best character in comics. You can argue this with me and I will not budge. Just one glance at his symbol and you know who he is. Growing up you were either a Hulk Hogan or Ultimate Warrior kid. A Voltron or Transzor-Z kid. A Batman or Superman kid. You couldn’t get away with saying that both were your favorites since they were polar opposites of one another. On one side there’s The Dark Knight. On the other The Man Of Steel. Out of the two of them which would make you shit your pants coming out of the shadows?

You know what else makes Batman rule? He has no superpowers. That’s right. Batman has no powers besides being smart, violent, and innovative. He is a man who had his parents murdered right in front of him and decided that no one should ever suffer the same pain. He left his lavish lifestyle and traveled the world learning how to beat people up. He was gone for years and when he came back tough as nails he still didn’t think he was ready until a giant bat crashed through the window and he became a bat. Once he had the costume he was set to ruin the draws of every criminal in Gotham City.

One time Batman and Superman fought. I know that people out there will say “Dante, Superman can throw trains. How in the hell can Batman be a threat to him at all?” I’ll tell you how. Its because Superman is stupid. Batman kept a small piece of Kryptonite and when it was time for battle he had Green Arrow hit him with it and used sonic waves, electricity, and brutality to defeat Supes. This proves that even as an old man, Batman is awesome.

Batman’s alter ego is Bruce Wayne, not the other way around. He is so deep in being Batman that he has to pretend to be a billionaire playboy. He has to go to meetings and smile for the public while inside he is thinking of ways to stop crime and arrest all the rich people surrounding him who he knows are dirty. He’s pretended to sleep with more famous women than guys brag about actually doing. You know that if he could he would never take off the cape and cowl. He seems more exhausted when he takes his tie off than healing his wounds as Batman.

Wonder Woman wants to have sex with Batman. This may be pure speculation but I don’t think so. She follows him around and is super protective of him. Imagine that. An Amazonian princess has the hots for the only member of The Justice League that has no powers, is not from another planet, or made of energy. Batman always plays it cool though. He has enough women trying to get in his tights. Talia al Ghul, Catwoman, Zatanna, Vicki Vale, and Poison Ivy. That’s part of a large list by the way. He doesn’t even have to show his face to get chicks!

And lastly, one of the reasons Batman rules ass is because he is one of the few superheroes to have a successful and awesome film! Not one, but two! And with the third on the way that looks like its gonna break box office records. The first film took two characters that people barely know, The Scarecrow and Ras al Ghul, and made them cool. In the second film The Joker was reinvented. The next film will feature Bane, the asshole that broke Batman’s back. But you know what? Batman came back. Yeah, it was after he hired a psychopath Azrael and then had Dick Grayson cover for him, but whatever. No one can keep Batman down and for the rest of history he will be better than you.

Rosscast Episode 247: Get Tha Water!!!

In this episode I discuss Men’s Health Sexiest Women Of All Time list, a Dude What The Fuck? featuring eating cocaine, Only In Florida with people fighting at McDonald’s again, We Going To Hell with thieves being robbed, and Kids These Days with a teacher writing on a kids head. Click here to download this episode and here for past shows. Enjoy!

Dante vs. Nature 3

People know good and damn well that me and nature go together like bubblegum and crackers. It’s a terrible idea but you’ve done it more than once. I write these to remind myself of why I don’t go anywhere toilets don’t flush, I cant be lulled to sleep by the sound of traffic, and why I stay the fuck out of water. Because we all know that nothing good ever happens in the water.

Japanese Spider Crab. “The Japanese spider crab has the greatest leg span of any arthropod, reaching 3.8 meters (12 ft) from claw to claw. The body may grow to a size of 40 centimeters or 16 inches (carapace width) and the whole crab can weigh up to 41 pounds (19 kg). It is the males which have the longest chelipeds; females have much shorter chelipeds, which are shorter than the following pair of legs. Apart from its outstanding size, the Japanese spider crab differs from other crabs in a number of ways. The first pleopods of males are unusually twisted, and its larvae appear primitive. The crab is orange, with white spots along the legs. It is reported to have a gentle disposition ‘in spite of its ferocious appearance‘.”

My Family Goes H.A.M

I’m not super close to my family. I don’t go over for holidays or call to see how everyone is doing. But one thing I will say about my family is that they are very protective of one another. Or they just love violence. Either way it was never a good idea to fuck with my family. Our family tree has many branches and they all spit fire and praise Cthulhu.

A couple of instances involve my brother Jay. Twice I’ve seen him destroy kids. We were little at the time. Don’t think my brother is just going around beating the hell out of children. The first was on my Grandmama’s street. Lots of crazy shit from my childhood happened there by the way. 47th & Central was like the set of Platoon.

Dante Tore His He-Man Draws Once

It's funny. When I think back to childhood situations A lot of them revolve around a girl. Or two. I was a little horndog. No, I wasn’t running around grabbing pre-pubescent titties or anything. But I was never the "Ew, girls!" type of kid. I had crushes on girls ever since I can remember. And I was always willing to do silly shit to impress them. Did it work? No. Would I do it all again? Yes. Well, except for some things.

There was this girl I had a huge crush on named Patrell. She had a big ass head but I didn’t care. She was mildly attractive to other dudes on the street. But no one was fighting over her. In my head she liked me but couldn't figure out how to let me know.

Anyway, I thought I would prove to her how bad ass I was by sliding off my uncles doghouse. Yeah. Because drug addicts have been known for their amazing construction skills for centuries.

Shit Got Real 2

In my last post I talked about the time I had to “grow a tail” but I had the luxury of living right near my job so I could just run home and handle business. This tale is of the first time I ever had to use the bathroom out of the house and had no choice but to venture into no mans land. This experience would have a profound effect on me.

“Where’s the bathroom?”

Oh, poor little Dante. One morning I woke up knowing that we were going to my cousins (who I still don’t like to this day) and then to the Crenshaw Mall for shopping. We weren’t getting anything for me, but I liked malls. I just hated shopping. Still do really. But only with people who don’t buy anything.

Why Does Wonder Woman Fail?

For some reason it has been difficult for a Wonder Woman film or series to be done today. There was gonna be a movie done by Joss Whedon until he bailed. Then the failed ass TV series (more on that soon). The character is pretty damned basic. Amazon princess created with the powers of female goddesses. She comes to our world and becomes a hero. She’s strong, can fly, has a Lasso Of Truth, bracelets that can block bullets, and a fierce sense of loyalty. I would love to see her get the same treatment that Batman and Superman have in recent years. Now I feel that it will never happen.

This was my first exposure to Wonder Woman in live action form. Lynda Carter was and still is the template that all Wonder Women are compared to. It ran from 1975 - 1979 which means it had time to marinate until I got to see it. Carter managed to make the character beautiful, strong, and admirable. Though she ran around is draws you still took her seriously. There is just something about the way she looked and acted that made the character believable. Yes, she wore a costume but it didn’t look like a costume.

This looks like a costume. For hookers. Played by Adrianne Palicki and set to air on NBC, this show was doomed before it even started filming. Word got out (along with the script) that she was to be a executive of her own company who fought crime in Los Angeles and listened to Beyonce while crying because of her relationship situation. Not a single episode aired. The chick they got, the story, being in L.A, it was all wrong. Everyone feels a need to “reboot” a character. The world knows who Wonder Woman is. Just start the episode with her lifting a truck and throwing it at another truck. 

Introducing: The Maxx

I wanna continue with the running them of talking about obscure characters that I discovered in junior high. This was the most influential time for me in terms of comic books since it was a very weekly obsession for me. The Maxx is another comic I got into because of the 7-11 comic book packs. When I first saw it I immediately recognized that I had seen this art style before. It was created and drawn by Sam Kieth who is the master of mass. What I mean by that is that his characters actually look like they have mass and depth to them. His shadows look real. The dirt looks filthy. You almost wanna wash your hands while reading it which makes sense since Maxx is a hobo! In this world at least.

In the Outback he is a warrior fighting to protect his Jungle Queen. In the real world she is Julie Winters, a social worker who is usually bailing him out of jail or chatting with him. She is a cool character and not just because she was hot. There is so much depth to her character that even by the time the comic ended it felt as if there was more to her. I’m gonna stick with the first story arc since later issues were pretty lame and they changed the look of The Maxx and Julie was exchanged too much for Sara’s story which I didn’t care for.

The main villain in this is Mr. Gone. Though he is a stalking murdering rapist I liked him. The way he looked was so damned cool. The long coat that moved and was its own weapon along with the pistol he used. While stalking Julie, Maxx decides to take him on in a crazy gas station battle that ends with Maxx being shot. He uses these little creatures called Isz. They are black eyeless things with hundreds of sharp teeth. In the real world and the Outback Mr. Gone is a challenge to Julie/Jungle Queen. It turns out that Mr. Gone was a friend of her fathers. The voice used for him on the MTV cartoon hit the nail right on the head. So did the rest of them.

It is revealed that in college Julie was raped and beaten by someone she tried to help on the side of the road. To deal with it she created the Outback in her mind where she was powerful. Later she hits a homeless man, Maxx, and instead of helping him because of what happened before, she leaves him. Since the Outback is so unstable now a lampshade that was “touched” by it covers the man’s body and becomes a costume. I know this all sounds insane but this is how this comic book was. If you’ll notice, Maxx looks sort of like a rabbit. There is a whole theme of spirit animals (the second Maxx was horse like). When Julie was a child she saved a rabbit and her mother beat it to death to put it out of its misery.

I have been called The Maxx because one of the most comfortable positions of mine is to crouch down low with my fists on the ground. The first few issues, or when the Mr. Gone story arc, are done the comic began to be all over the place. But the look of the characters and the insanity of the stories and depth make this a comic book definitely worth checking out if you never have. Maybe I will start to make more sense to people afterwards.

The Sprinkler From Hell

There have been many tales where it seems like my family have done things to me that would’ve required social services to be called. Well, here is another one! I have been hurt and jacked up in ways that you would imagine I should look like a mutant sewer dweller. This is about one of the worst injuries I ever had.

"What happened to your foot?"

That's what my brother Luther asked me before what would be one of the dumbest days of my life. It wasn't dumb in the fact that the sky was green and trees spoke with Scottish accents (because we all know they have Australian accents). Just one stupid event followed another which lead with me not being able to move my baby toe.

Dante Puked Blood Once

I’m not a puker. I’ve seen a lot of gnarly stuff that would make anyone else throw up their soul but it doesn’t phase me. The last time I threw up was in like 2007 while working at the hospital. I got food poisoning and threw up for about five days. I now know that’s not normal. This is the tale of me puking at a party.

"Oh, my God! Dante's throwing up!"

And so began the end of the streak. See, I hadn't thrown up since I ate this greasy licorice my mother bought from Ralph's. As a child I puked all the time and every Halloween when my mother would give me castor oil to keep me from getting sick from the candy. As soon as it hit my tongue I would vomit.