What The Hell Is Kwanzaa?!

Ever since I was little I have heard about Kwanzaa and never celebrated it. Even when everyone was in that crazy Spike Lee induced Malcolm X phase no one I knew was trying to celebrate Kwanzaa. It wasn't until today when a guy at Best Buy wished me a happy Kwanzaa that I thought “What the hell is Kwanzaa?” The fact that it doesn't have to be spell checked means its a real thing.

Someone named Maulana Karenga created this holiday back in 1965. It was created as a way for African Americans to celebrate their own holiday and get in touch with African roots. The word Kwanzaa comes from Swahili “matunda ya kawanza” which means “first fruits of the harvest.” I guess. Meditation and the stufdy of African sultures was also a thing that was to be done and was called Nguzo Saba which are the seven principles of African heritage.

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 3

Click here for previous Rehab.

I sit staring at Mr. W. Scott. I can't believe he just stood up for me the way he did. No one has ever done that before. Well, his daughter did earlier so I guess that counts. I'm gonna love being a part of their family. Their so...righteous.

“Remove that look from your face” Mr. W. Scott says. I do. “Now.” I thought I did. “Do not believe for a moment that I was defending you from your father. I was not. I defended me and my facility. I will not have a man with an obvious drug addiction insult my good name.”

“My dad isn't on drugs” I say far more defensively than I intended.

“This is one of the problems with most of society. I say 'drugs' and you think marijuana, heroin, or cocaine. Recreational drugs.” He flips the clipboard over. “Cymbalta replaced Abilify which replaced Lexapro which replaced Paxil which began with Prozac.”

“Shit.”

“All drugs, Mr. Thompson” he told me. “Others would say that you have inherited your addictions from your father and even his father. Genetic, they say. You have the alcoholism gene.” Mr. W. Scott looks up from his clipboard and at me. “But that is nonsense. They are excuses for you and thousands like you have as a way to not cope with the fact that you are weak.”

Happy Holidays From Doom Mates!

Dante's 2014

This is my 2014 in video form using pictures of the places I went, the friends I saw, the stuff I made, and the food I ate.
 

While You Were Sleeping: #IAmJada

There is a 16 year old girl named Jada of Houston, Texas. She went to a party with her friend where she was offered a drink. After consuming it she passed out and missed the rest of the party. She had no idea what happened during this time until the photos started appearing. The pictures featured her half naked and passed out on the floor after being sexually assaulted. These weren't pictures being used to report the crime, but to mock her with the hashtag #jadapose.

Many people started posting themselves online doing this pose and thinking that it was funny. Back in July Jada finally came out and spoke for herself saying “There's no point in hiding. Everybody has already seen my face and my body, but that's not what I am and who I am.”

Five Things I Learned From The Friend Zone

My name is Dante and I'm the mayor of the friend zone. I had a conversation with a friend about relationships recently and asked a question about any consistencies regarding how each of them ended. What I mean by this was whether or not the same problems kept coming up. The two that I'd experienced were either the fact that I was not emotional when they felt I should be or the fact that I had many female friends. The female friends thing has always bothered me because its not like I hide it. When I say I spoke to or hung out with someone it is almost always a girl name. And unless you're a manwhore (those were the days...) for the most part you are friends with the opposite sex. Permanently.

The friend zone is one of those things that can be a blessing, a curse, or neither. I'll try and explain it further in this Five Things I Learned From The Friend Zone. Some of this stuff may upset you but this is all just things I learned from personal experience. What you do and have done in the friend zone is all yours to deal with. Have fun.

"Goldbrick" by Dante Ross Part 3 of 3

Click here for previous Goldbrick.

35 walked among the promenade watching all of humanity summed up within a half mile radius. There were rich, poor, loved, hated, lonely, popular, good, and bad. For a moment 35 wondered what they thought of him.

It does not matter.

“I know” 35 said. “Have you ever heard of the Kansas City Shuffle?”

“What?” a beautiful woman said as he passed her by. “What did you say to me?”

“No...nothing” 35 said. A large man appeared behind 35. 35 did not need to turn around to see the man. 35 was aware of everything on such a small planet like Earth. He was told before arriving that it was 1/35th the size of where he was from. “I was talking to someone else.”

Gollum Vs Batman Rap Battle

This time its Gollum versus Batman in a terrible rap battle! Click here for Buffalo Bill versus Bane.
 

Five Things I Learned Dealing With Insomnia

Ever since I was a kid I've never slept well. I would eventually fall asleep to the sound of my brothers either talking on the phone or watching TV and wake up at the ass crack of dawn when my father would for work. Let's just say from 11pm until 4am (KFWB!!! News 98!!!). That was normal to me until I got older and friends would talk about falling asleep at 10pm and waking up at 8am. That just sounded ridiculous to me. Who needs that much sleep?!

As I have gotten older my sleep has not gotten any better and there have been times where I've had full blown insomnia. I'm not talking about a day or two of not sleeping. I'm taking about days, weeks, and at the worse 30 straight days of living in my own personal Zombieland. In this Five Things I Learned Dealing With Insomnia I'll talk about some of the things I learned during these times. I once looked up hypomania and it sounded like some shit I was going through. Click here to check that out.

Sleep Is For The Weak

There comes a point where I would just accept that I was not going to fall asleep. After a few days of this I would eventually say to myself “Screw sleeping! I'm getting some much more done. Plus, I don't even feel tired!” I would go to work and laugh at those that were sleepy or showed up late because they overslept. Why weren't more people just not sleeping? It was awesome!

While You Were Sleeping: Tamir Rice Shooting

There was another shooting and death of a young Black a few weeks ago. For some reason this one didn't get as much attention as others. 12 year old Tamir Rice was shot and killed in Cleveland, Ohio by a cop. This is all on video so I think people need to stop asking for cameras on police thinking it is gonna stop them from killing people. Eric Garner was choked and died on crystal clear footage in broad daylight by New York police and that guy wasn't even indicted.

That's for another post. Back to this story.

Officer Timothy Loehmann, who is 26 years old, responded to a call of someone with a gun. This is all on tape. He showed up, the kid reached for his fake gun, and was shot and killed. When seeing the video I said to myself two things. “Wow! That cop didn't wait for his car to stop moving!” and “Why the hell was that kid waving a fake gun around?!”

Everyone Wants You To Feel Bad

I made the mistake of watching the news earlier today. There were concerns about flash floods, mudslides, and deaths because of the rain. Mind you, I live in Los Angeles, and we have been experiencing a drought for quite some time. This weather was needed yet there are people already complaining because the ground is wet. What I find odd is the surprise people have when their homes flood in areas where homes flood almost every year and mudslides and fires occur in the same spots. We actually have a “fire season” here.

Then there are the news stories about people being murdered. Cant forget those. Then the kidnappings, the rapes, the robberies, the sexual assaults. Next we head overseas where people have been fighting the same wars for decades if not hundreds of years. Diseases ravaging countries.

But then you look outside and everything is fine.

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 2

Click here for previous Rehab.

I check myself in the mirror before going to meet whoever it is that is paying me a visit. Knowing Mr. W. Scott its Sad Sack waiting to pounce on me. I wish my father had taught me to fight. Any fight I've ever been in ended because of bodily fluids. Mine. Not theirs.

I head down the hallway and two guards appear next to me. I'll call them Thing 1 and Thing 2. Thing 1 is a large Mexican man that has his arms covered in tattoos. Thing 2 is a large Black guy that smells like cigarette smoke. Neither of them talk to me so I take it upon myself to break the ice.

“Are you two related?” I ask. They don't reply so I continue. “Do you know who I'm going to meet? I do hope that whoever it is they brought candy. Or whiskey. I'd do anything for a shot of whiskey. Anything. You hear me, brother?” I nudge Thing 2 and both of them hook me under my arms and drag me. “Wheee!” They take me to a room that has two chairs, no windows, and a table. It looks like an interrogation room. They shove me inside and lock the door. “Do I tip you guys?”

I sit down in one of the chairs and drum on the table. Not voluntarily. My hands are shaking uncontrollably. After what feels like half an hour Mr. W. Scott enters the room. He looks at my hands and checks something off on his clipboard.

“Stand” he says. I do. “Someone is here to see you. As they speak to you I will be nearby. If there is any violence, verbal or physical, I shall intervene at my discretion. Any violence on your part will result in your immediate expulsion from this facility. Is this understood?” I nod. “Bring him in.”

"Solus Ipse" Part 5

The Jake's arrived at the newsstand and silently gave each other high fives for getting the Fairplay case. Jake Y. looked at the dead cashier and almost gagged for a moment when he got a good glimpse of the ink pen sticking out of his neck. Jake S. stood around not knowing where to begin. Jake R. saw what was quickly happening.

Excitement overload.

The Jake's had not been a part of a case this big in over a year. Jake R. pulled everyone together and motioned with his head for the area to be cordoned off. More officers arrived and began moving lookie-loo's and gathering potential witnesses. Jake Y. swallowed his vomit and smiled.

“This is so bad ass” he said. “Am I right?”

“You are so right its not even fucking funny” Jake S. said. “Donovan and Pritchard are gonna be so fucking pissed when they find out we got the case now.”

“They seriously will” Jake R. said. His phone rang and he snatched it up. “Hello? Yeah. Yeah. Ha! You wish! No, this is our case now, sweetie. Aw, you and your boyfriend mad at us? Too bad.” Jake S. snatched the phone away from Jake R. and continued talking.

“Hey, Donovan!” he shouted. “We can't believe you let this Fairplay fucker kill someone else! And what's even better is that we got it on tape! Yeah. Cameras behind the counter so we know who we're looking for. You don't even need to come to our crime scene. What?” Jake R. took his phone back. 

Kids These Days 48

A 17 year old teenager in Maryland is in trouble for giving his teacher a pot brownie. He decided that school was just too rough and was eating it in class when his teacher asked for some. That's weird. So he gives her some and she started feeling ill meaning great. She went to the nurses office and then told police that she suspected that she may have been given a pot brownie. The kid was charged with administering a dangerous substance, as well as reckless endangerment. Jesus. Its just pot. 

Besides the kid being a jackass for eating a pot brownie in class, I wonder why the teacher asked a student for what they were eating. These damned teachers are getting too comfy with kids besides the whole having sex with them stuff. I've never had a teacher that would've seen me eating some Crunch Tators and asked for a few. And if I did I would've said no. Mostly because I was a stingy asshole. 

Click here for previous Kids These Days.  

Crap Chronicles IV

If they gave out badges for oversharing I'd get it. I hate public restrooms. I find it hard to use them for number one's let alone number two's. But this series of stories is about number two's and I swore I'd written about this before but I can't find it. This story involves Little Tokyo, video game awards, and a porta-potty.

KP and I had tickets to the Spike TV Video Game Awards and I was going to meet him at his place and then we'd hop on the subway to downtown L.A. I headed to his house and he wasn't waiting outside like we'd planned. Someone that lived in his building opened the door and I came in criminal style and went to his place. I'd been there once before when we filmed a movie. I hear a TV on inside and knock and no one answers. I wait a minute and repeat this. I get mad and head outside and wait some more and it looks like its gonna rain.

Fuck it.

"1 22 2377"

Note: This is a short story I did a few years back and am posting it again after some editing and such. I like finding these because if I can get back into the right frame of mind I can finish stories like these up. Hope you enjoy it. Hell. Hope I enjoy it. I haven't read it in years.

THE DATE IS JANUARY 2ND , 2377. GOOD MORNING!

Die.

Fucking alarm clock. I sit up in bed and stare at it for about ten minutes until my eyes begin to cross. A small robot that looks to be a cross between a cricket and a bear slides across the floor. A smooth, white material that was not invented until about 200 years from when I should have died by natural causes. This little abomination stops at my feet and stares at me with its unblinking, soulless eyes. These things can smile. I didn't like that so I disabled its mouth. Now everything it says comes out slightly muffled and low.

“good morning, rod” it chirps/sings at me. “what are your plans for the day?”

I didn't like when my ex-wife asked me that question and I don't like baby machines doing it. Fucking future. Its nothing like it was supposed to be. I stand and kick at this thing and it moves. I end up kicking a small metal table next to my bed instead. I cut my big toe and the robots panic.

Girl Gets Revenge On Bully...I Guess

There's been a story making its way around the internets about a young 22 year old chick named Louisa Manning from Cambridgeshire which its safe to assume is in England or something. She got revenge against a guy that used to bully her when she was in junior high. For those that don't know, junior high is where you learn to be an asshole. Its the training ground for figuring out what kind of human you will eventually become in terms of personality. I can't think of someone I thought was a terrible human between the ages of 11 and 14 that became an incredibly nice person.

So Louisa is out and a guy likes what he sees. He talks to her and asks her out to dinner. So the day comes and she stands him up. Instead she has a letter that the waiter delivers to the guy. This is what the letter said to him. She also posted it on her Facebook page.

“Hey, so sorry I can't join you tonight. Remember year 8, when I was fat and you made fun of my weight? No? I do – I spent the following three years eating less than an apple a day. So I've decided to skip dinner. Remember the monobrow you mocked? The hairy legs you were disgusted by? Remember how every day for three years, you and your friends called me Manbeast? No perhaps you don't – or you wouldn't have seen how I look eight years later and deemed me fuckable enough to treat me like a human being. I thought I'd send you this as a reminder. Next time you think of me, picture that girl in this photo, because she's the one who just stood you up. - Louisa.”

Five Things I Learned From Relationships

It seems like lately I have been talking more about relationships than I normally do. I know people that are engaged, married, single, wanting to date, wanting to date but know they are too fucked up to, and people that wish they were single. Me, I am single and not only know that I'm too fucked up to date but the longer I stay single (its been over a year since I got some stank on my hang low and moments since I lost a friend because of this sentence) the more I realize how hard it is to date another person.

I've written blogs about why I am single (click here for those) but this time I'm gonna write about the Five Things I Learned From Relationships. There will be some good and some bad. Mostly bad. Because I'm a dick. Deal with it.

You Gotta Be Friends

I have said this so many times to people. I have known people in relationships where if they weren't having sex with one another they wouldn't even be talking to each other. Even if you like someone I think you should wait a few months before doing the horizontal mambo. Why? Because assholes are really good at hiding it sometimes! There is nothing worse than finding out someone is a dick (this goes for women, too) after you've already slept with them.

Teacher Makes Kid Clean Toilet With Bare Hands

I've done a story like this before where a teacher took the limits of being an asshole to a new level. In Othello, Washington a teacher named Brent Taylor made a student stick his bare hands into a toilet to clear out toilet paper. What the shit is this fuck? When the 8 year old boy was asked to unclog the toilet, which he actually attempted!, the teacher ended up doing it himself with his own bare hands. Ew! The boys parents were understandably upset that this happened.

The teacher was told to not do this again by the superintendent George Juarez. “The child had flushed the toilet several times, and it didn't go down. I am sure that the best judgment would have been to call our custodian to handle the matter.” The teacher was ordered to review hygiene techniques meaning absolutely nothing happened to him. The child was given permission to transfer to another school. I'm not sure if kids today are dumber than me or nicer because if you even suggested I clean a toilet, even my own that was just cleaned, I'd tell you to go fuck your elbow and get suspended.  

5 Regrettable Styles Of The 90's

Oh, the 90's. That shit was weird. Particularly the styles of clothing. I used a picture of the Spice Girls because they were very stylish for the time and also because Scary Spice is hot as fuck. My little sister loved that group and while I hated their music I loved looking at a couple of them.

I decided to look at some of the styles from back when I was a teenager and also issue a warning to society: don't bring this shit back! There has already been a flood of fashion from back then that has been making a comeback and it is horrifying to see what was bad then creeping into the present. Its 2014. Where are my metal pants?! I mean, I like some of the styles my parents wore but I'm not gonna be wearing bell-bottoms.

Black Simpsons. This was a real thing that existed. If you were going down Crenshaw Blvd. or at the local Swap Meet (Slauson or Western take your pick) and you would see bootleg shirts all over the place. You would see the Simpson's with brown skin playing basketball, smoking weed, and even Bart with dreads. 

The shit was weird and I'd be lying if I didn't say I got caught up in it. I wore these cheap ass shirts with pride because everyone else had them. Yes, kids. There was a time when wearing bootleg shirts that everyone knew were bootleg was perfectly fine. But not, like, fake Cross Colors like that one girl wore. Jesus. Over 20 years later and I still remember her. You couldn't pull this shit today. These would be yanked off the shelf within one week by a gaggle of angry lawyers. They would be sued by Nike, The Simpsons, and maybe even N.W.A.

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 1

Click here for Season 1 of Rehab.

You ever hear the phrase “Don't stick your dick in crazy”? Well, I'm one of those people that like to stick their dick in whatever you say I shouldn't. Oh, its been a while and I should probably introduce myself. My name is Alan Thompson and I'm an alcoholic.

Say hi.

Allow me to introduce you to everyone I've met so far in this lovely facility. Oh, and how lovely it is. Whatever your addiction is it will be cured with the help of our lovely facilitator, Mr. W. Scott. There's also his daughter Carol aka Softy. I don't know why she is here but I love her and want to marry her. So far she and her dad are two of the three people that have assaulted me in the last half hour since you and I last spoke.

Man Throw McChicken At Pregnant Wife

Hey kids. Look at this. This guy here is what we call a “loser.” Some may think being a loser has to do with you job status, money situations, or physical appearance. Nope. Sometimes you can just be an idiot that does idiotic things and make bad decisions. Like 21 year old Marvin Tramaine Hill of Des Moines, Iowa. Before he and his pregnant wife headed to an ultrasound for their upcoming baby (they already have a 2 year old which is a whole 'nother thing for me to bitch about) she got him a McChicken sandwich. Marvin don't like McChicken sandwiches so instead not eating it, he threw it at her.

Fast forward to Marvin being arrested for domestic assault and locked up without bond. Marvin admitted to throwing the sandwich at her because he doesn't like them. His wife, Elle Hill, said that he smashed the bun into her face because if you're gonna be an asshole you go full tilt asshole. The fact that he is 21 with two kids and throwing food at his wife bugs the shit out of me. I want someone to kick him in the dick parts so he never has kids again. And his wife leaves him. What a jackass. 

Buffalo Bill Vs Bane Rap Battle

So I made Buffalo Bill rap against Bane and this is the result. Slap an image, load it on Youtube, and there ya go.

The Seals Are Raping The Penguins!

I keep on seeing words like “unique” and “strange occurrence” in regards to a seal fucking a penguin. Now, this sounds like the beginning of a terrible joke. But this shit is real and it is happening around the world. Scientists are surprised by just how much of this inter-species sex is going on. They first found out about it in 2006 and didn't think it would still be happening.

Sadly, I would have thought the same thing. No way in hell you'd catch a seal fucking a penguin twice. Wrong. 

Not only is this happening on the regular, but it is a learned thing. Baby seal sees daddy seal banging a penguin because he is horny and next thing you know son seal grows up thinking that shit is cool.

Well, its not.

Its not just bad enough that a creature four to five times your size wants to have sex with you (ladies out there know what I'm talkin' about) but sometimes for funsies they even eat them afterward. Could you imagine fucking your food and then eating it? I mean, I love a burger as much as the next man but I'm not gonna fuck a cow then cook it.

"Solus Ipse" Part 4

Click here for previous Solus Ipse.

Captain Lowes called a meeting as soon as Pritchard and Donovan arrived. They all met in what has become known as “The Pit.” Its like any other room where police meet to discuss cases. It became known as “The Pit” after an infamous fight in which Captain Lowes had to wrestle an angry parent to the ground during a field trip for children at the station.

Lowes waited until everyone was seated and motioned for the lights to be turned off. He pressed a button from a remote in his hand. Multiple images of the Fairplay Killer's victims lit the screen. Donovan could feel Pritchard tense.

“Fifteen victims” Lowes began. “In two months this killer has sliced, diced, and maimed fifteen people in our city. Thanks to some fine work by Luis and Megan we have discovered that we are now looking for a White male. Between the age of 20 and 30. Height, weight, unknown. But it's a damn start. You got any questions, leads, or want to blame someone for your erectile dysfunction call Pritchard and Donovan. But be careful. Pritchard has a mean left hook.” Everyone laughed and began clearing the room. “I need to see you two in my office.”

“Yes, dad” Donovan said under her breath. They quickly followed Lowes into his office and sat down.

“Good job, Pritch” Lowes said. Pritchard was about to defend himself until what was just said sunk in.

“Wait, what?” he asked. 

"Solus Ipse" Part 3

Click here for previous Solus Ipse.

Captain Lowes sat at his desk looking over the photos that had been taken of every victim of the Fairplay Killings. In all of the years he had been a lawman he had never seen anything like this. Sure, he had seen guys kill more victims than this. Fifteen was high but not unheard of. But the fact that there was absolutely no pattern concerned him more than anything. Plenty of fingerprints that led nowhere. He looked at a photo of one of the first victims.

An older Black female. He throat, abdomen, and ankles had been sliced almost to the bone. There was almost a riot after she had been killed. Lowes hated how racial his line of work could be most of the time because racial quickly became political. And when it became political depending on the race of the mayor, Black right now, the pressure was on for him to move faster.

Once the media figures out that the small kid laying in a cooler downstairs was the same one he had promised to save the mayor would serve his ass on a platter for the city. He would not be surprised to see some show up with torches and pitchforks. He picked up his phone and made a call to someone he hated to call. His brother in the FBI. 

Woman Stabs Boyfriend For Eating Thanksgiving Dinner Without Her

Damn. Some folks take Thanksgiving more seriously than others. Jack-Lyn Blake of Pennsylvania who is 47 years old and too goddamn old to be acting this silly stabbed her 45 year old boyfriend Benjamin Smith in the chest after he started eating dinner without her. I could spend an entire blog just breaking down her silly ass name. Jack-Lyn? Really? Hey, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dawn-Tay. Weirdo.

So the story goes that Benjamin and Jack-Lyn got into an argument earlier in the day because you can't really call it a holiday if there isn't a fight. Jack-Lyn needed a little nappy poo after getting wasted and when she woke up she discovered Benjamin balls deep in turkey and stuffing. She charged him, chasing him around the dinner table while Benny Hill's theme played in the background (in my head), and eventually caught him. Then it became stab time. Police were called and when they arrived Jack-Lyn came out saying “I stabbed him” because she has never watched TV and on TV they tell you to never admit guilt.