Sh!t I Wish They Taught In School

Being a grown up sucks and can be a bag of dicks if you do it wrong. But it rules sometimes. Like when I can sit up in bed eating a bowl of cereal at 1am without anyone talking shit. But for the most part its a terrible series of tragedies that come one after another. If you are an adult and don't know someone with cancer, has had a childhood friend die, or been in a car accident I wonder how you can read this blog post from your shack in the woods.

This post will have nothing to do with giving tips on how to be an adult. Its just a list of shit that I wish they had taught in school. I mean, you would think that a prison that they make you go to from the ages of 5 to 18 from 7am till 3pm would take at least one day out of the week to explain to you how the world actually operates. Trust me. All the shit I learned about Prohibition, The Civil War, and the periodic tables don't mean shit to me unless I'm watching Jeopardy.

Mind you, not everyone has the issue that I'm gonna write about. If that is the case you can just move along now. Seriously. I won't hate you. I'm sure Buzzfeed has a totally interesting article about cats or some show that social justice warriors love. I'll be here talking to the rest of the uncivilized world about a few things they never bothered to cover in school.

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 6

Click here for previous Rehab.

I step outside and hiss. Saucy hands me some shades and I put them on. Beef is trying his best not to burst into tears. I feel oddly confident. Sure, we're about to play dodge ball with a bunch of Marines but things could be worse. I could be playing dodge ball with a bunch of Marines. Wait. That didn't come out right. Softy comes over and places her hand on my shoulder.

“How's the dick?” she asks. Saucy quickly walks away.

“Average I'd say, but surprisingly adequate” I tell her. “Don't believe me? Ask my stepmom.”

“Okay...” she says and walks away.

That big ass ant is over against a wall dodging side to side against an opponent I can't see. It sees me looking and waves. I don't wave back. It shrugs and continues. My hands begin shaking so I put them in my pocket.

“Beautiful day to die” Google says and begins doing what can only be described as those old school calisthenics. “But I've led a good life. I have very few regrets. That's all we can really ask for out of life when you think about it. What's with the sunglasses?”

Whites Only "Reunion"

Click here for the first story.

“It had a great, high wall with twelve gates, and with twelve angels at the gates. On the gates were written the names of the twelve tribes of Israel.” Revelation 21:12

Jim ran to the spot that Satan just occupied. Could he have been telling the truth? In all honesty Heaven had not been concerned with the planet Earth for quite a while. Time moved differently for them. In the amount of time it took for Red to ensure that his robe looked righteously tattered three humans will have been born, lived, and died of old age.

“Belial! Tsor! Wicked one! Little horn! Apollyon!” Red shouted as he shook his first to the ground.

“We do not have time for that right now” Jim said as he exited the room. “One hundred million angels and none knew this was going to happen?”

“How could they?” Red asked.

“Oh, shut up” Jim whispered. He grabbed a cherubim that was battling the loose souls and demons by flailing wildly at nothing by its small wings. “Where is the Lord?”

“Aah!” the human face shouted while the bull and lion remained silent.

“Those always creeped me out if I'm being honest” Red said as Jim released the cherubim. “I mean...why do they even look like that? Seems a bit excessive.”

Pick Me, Teacher!!!

I'm a fucking man-child. I am totally aware of this. I want as few responsibilities as possible, hate having to adult, and possess a very vivid memory particularly when it comes to the past and the opposite sex. In school I didn't have many attractive teachers. I don't even need one hand to count them all. I could have those honked up lobster hands and still have a digit left. I say all of this to defend my upcoming thoughts regarding this story of a 28 year old teacher named Haeli Wey from a high school in Texas called Westlake that had the sex with a couple of male students from her school. If you already have your comments regarding how terrible a teacher sleeping with a student is you can save it. I've done dozens of blogs like this one and am tired of defending my penis.

Now, from the jump this story is all kinds of wrong. Wey was on a trip with one of the boys family in Africa. For real. How about wondering why a teacher is going on a trip with the family of one of her students? The dad had to know something was up. One of the boys, I refuse to say victim, met her at a student ministry program and...wait. What? Red flag number one! In case you don't know, most religious based school programs are for hooking up. Later that summer their relationship became more physical on the trip to Africa. The muthafuckin' cradle of civilization! 

Kids These Days 62

I hate the youth of this world. I don't even care of it makes me sound like an old man. Its true. Bunch of idiots that are going to make sure the future is as terrifying as possible. I found out about this thing called the Condom Challenge. No, its not that thing where I get laid once every two years and have to race to find a condom in my apartment. 

It started off with snorting a condom and pulling it out through your throat. I didn't know that this was the original way to do this. There is no real reason anyone should be doing this. Ever. Unless you just like the idea of video of you sticking a greasy ass condom up your nose and yanking out through your throat. Which you shouldn't. I'm sick of people thinking that doing something like this is a challenge. I would imagine that tying your shoes or crossing the street safely is a challenge for kids that think this stuff is a good idea. Its hard enough doing the Black Guy With No Criminal Record Challenge let alone dying with a condom lodged in my throat.

Dante Vs. Nature 59

If there's one thing nature loves more than making humanity change the color of their pants its coming up with weird ass new creatures. There were these two new spiders discovered because if there's one thing I always say its that we do not have enough goddamn spiders on this planet.

This first one is called a Sparklemuffin. I'm not kidding. That's its name. Some college student that helped discover it named it that because they ran out of Pokemon names I guess. They are jumping spiders which are common and those kind that you try and catch thinking its gonna run away and it ends up jumping and making girls and men that thought they were not afraid of spiders yelp.

Castaway Accused Of Making Manwich Out Of Man

This dude from Salvador that survived for 438 days at sea is in deep trouble thanks to the family of the guy that he was with that is dead. 37 year old Jose Salvador Alvarenga and this 22 year old guy named Ezequiel Córdoba that was paid $50 set out to sea and shit got real when the small fishing boat got caught up in a storm and ended up over 6,000 miles away from where they were supposed to be. Alvarenga ended up writing a book about surviving this whole thing and the death of Córdoba.

Alvarenga says that he ate his own fingernails to survive and that his partner had trouble handling the situation. Gee. Ya think? He says he also ate raw fish, turtle blood, and his own piss. His friend died after a few months at sea and made Alvarenga promise not to eat his body and to tell his mother what had occurred. Córdoba's mother thinks that Alvarenga ate her son to survive an wants a million bucks from him. He says he talked to the dead body for almost a week before washing his feet, taking his clothes, and then slipping him into the ocean.

Alvarenga said in an interview “Not for one second did I think of eating Ezequiel. I wouldn't have done it, even if it meant that I starved. It would have been on my conscience forever.” His lawyer thinks the dead dudes family just wants some money. Well, I can understand that. And chances are her did make a Manwich out of their son. I don't know what I'd do in that situation. I don't think I could eat someone I knew. But I probably would.  

Kids These Days 61

There are some things that I had to do as a kid in school that I'm not sure is allowed or legal anymore. Not just because kids are more likely to talk about their feelings and have their parents actually give a damn. But mostly because I'm pretty sure some of this stuff was mentally and physically bad for you. Here are a few that I thought of.

Clapping Erasers. This was a total bullshit punishment that I had to do quite a few times in the 2nd grade. My teacher Miss Webb (the one with the melted fingertips that I've mentioned in the past) hated me and made it no secret. She would make me go to this small balcony area outside of the classroom and clap together two erasers from the chalkboard. It would create this terrible cloud of chalk and you'd look like you were in an orgy with three Pillsbury Doughboys. 

When other kids would pass by they knew that I'd done something to piss a teacher off if I was clapping erasers together. I'm not even sure if schools still use these and not dry erase boards. Do they? If they do I doubt any teacher is getting away with making kids these this anymore. This is so rare now that I couldn't even find a decent picture of it happening!

Five Things I Learned Doing A Lot Of Stuff

My friend Josh sent me a Cracked article that didn't make me feel bad or annoyed with the writing on that site in general. By the way I know that they are always looking for writers and that I can contribute to their site if I win the chance. I have sent a few things in years ago and never got anything published. Also, I just don't need it to happen. I have thirteen blogs with thousands and thousands of things that I have written about. I am close to 2,000 posts on this site alone.

When you do a lot of different things people that don't (or some that do a bit of them) will have things they want to tell you. In this Five Things I Learned Doing A Lot Of Stuff I'm going to try to not sound too bitter. I'll likely fail because I know how I am when it comes to this kinda thing. Having hobbies or skills that others think they can cash in on makes for strange relationships and every few years I pick something up and get told “You can get paid for that.” I know this. I don't care. This is why. Oh, and anything colored is a link to something I do or am talking about.

Johnny Panic: Check Your Privilege Part 3 of 3

Click here for previous Check Your Privilege.

“I mean, honestly, who really cares about Johnny Panic anymore? Yeah, about ten years ago when he was a cute teenager flying through the air kicking tanks and saving old ladies as they crossed the street while an 18-wheeler barreled towards them we cheered him on but today he shtick is played. Yeah, he's rich. Yeah, he's hot. But I'm sick of seeing his face. I'm not the only one right?”

“Who is this ass-rascal?” I ask Ronica. We're sitting on the couch watching this chick talk mad shit about me. And the audience is applauding. Applauding, I say!

“Her name's Aphrodite Malone” she tells me. “She used to be a big time blogger, still is sometimes, but about a month ago they gave her a talk show.”

“Why?”

“People think she is funny” Ronica says. “I've read a few of her posts. I don't find her funny at all. She just complains about everything and other bitchy people cheer her on. Like now.”

Dante Rants About The San Bernardino Shooting

I have trouble relating to people emotionally. I know that it can be considered bad but it helps me get through this crazy ass world. For those that don't know, years ago I worked at one of the largest hospitals on the West coast. My job title, patient escort, meant that I had to move supplies, samples, and people around the hospital. This mean living or dead people.

Yes. I moved dead bodies.

While working there for a cool $10.25 an hour I got to witness a lot of tragedy on an almost daily basis. A good day was maybe taking only two cancer patients to get chemo or taking someone to their car with their family as they were discharged. A bad day are days that are burned into my mind for the rest of my life. I had to talk to more family members than I can remember while their family member was being wrapped up for me to take away on a gurney. Some were okay while some cried their eyes out to me while thinking “I hope I am making them feel better.” And I did. Lots of patients while leaving thanked me for being so nice or just talking to them like a normal person.

Most times people just need an outlet of some sort. Hopefully a healthy one that doesn't involve liquor, getting high, or violence. This brings me to the reason I even started this ramble fest. Today at the Inland Regional Center in San Bernardino there was a shooting. They call it a mass shooting. The facility describes itself as “an agency among agencies, Inland Regional Center coordinates with generic services to normalize the lives of people with developmental disabilities and their families by working to include them in the everyday routines and life rhythms of the community and by facilitating needed supports for them.”

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 5

Click here for previous season 2 Rehab.

The night goes by pretty uneventfully. I half hoped and was half afraid that Saucy was going to touch me in my sleep but he didn't. He was a perfect gentleman. I don't see what his wife's problem is. She got three kids out of him. Let him touch some dick. He's obviously given it to her in the past. But whatever. That's their problem. It is now morning time and I'm gonna do some physical activities with the women! Saucy is up before me and doing stretches. I try to bend and touch my toes and my back sounds like someone stepped on a bag of chips.

“Good God, boy!” Saucy says. “You need to get that checked out.”

“I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?” I ask him. “Wait. That didn't make sense, did it?” Someone taps on the door once and enters.

“You have three minutes” Mr. W. Scott says and closes the door. He sticks his head back in for a moment and checks off his clipboard then leaves again.

“That man is a living Harry Potter villain” Saucy says. “How are you holding up, kid?”

“I'll let you know as soon as the room stops moving” I tell him. Someone knocks at the door again. “The fuck is this? A sitcom?”

Grown Ass Man Tips: Learn To Cook

Today is Thanksgiving and there are a lot of grown ass men out there that are mad that their family or lady took too long to get ready to leave and get some food or upset she took too long to make it herself. Hey. Learn to cook. Yeah, I know a lot of us grew up with our mothers making the majority of meals that did not involve a grill. But times have changed. Lots of chicks aren't into that shit and some even see it as a throwback to a time when women were seen as less than men. But fuck all that. Learn to cook for yourself. 

You're a grown ass man and need to learn how to feed yourself in a way that doesn't involve picking a meal based on a number or waiting for someone else to shovel food into your stinkhole. Today I made an entire meal for Thanksgiving that had ham, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, rolls, cake, and stuffing. Took lots of mistakes to get it perfect but I have and I was very proud of myself. You can be too. Its not like you need to master fifty dishes. Just get good at about five and work from there. Or...you can continue to be a giant man-bitch that doesn't know how to feed himself.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.  

Johnny Panic: Check Your Privilege Part 2 of 3

Click here for part 1.

About ten minutes after we left that photography place and Zazz continued to lie about never taking dick pics Ronica called to let me know about an accident on the 10 freeway. I wasn't doing anything but quietly judging my best friend so I decided to head over and help. I got there and kinda made the situation worse.

The scene of an accident is already full of chaos. Having the world's only superhero show up to help doesn't...help. People tend to stare and take pictures instead of handling business. I land next to a car that is smoking and gonna blow up any second and half on top of this lady. I go to snatch it up and an EMT screams at me.

“Panic, stop!”

“How come why?”

“Her legs are underneath! Suddenly moving the pressure can make it worse!”

“That doesn't make any sense.”

“This is my job! I know what I'm talking about!”

“So...I should leave?”

“Put out the goddamn fire and let us do our job! Please?”

Dante Bitches About Glamour Magazine Women Of The Year Complaints

Some people use their anger or hatred like a shotgun. They will be mad at one thing and end up buck-shooting something that was a little bit too close. I'm more of a sniper with mine. I focus, aim, and go after one topic. Glamour magazine released their Women Of The Year for 2015 and people have been losing their shit for a multitude of reasons because of this. Some because they hate transgenders. Some because they hate anything Jenner/Kardashian related. Some because they do not believe that Caitlyn Jenner should be included in the category of Woman Of The Year.

Don't get it twisted. This isn't Time magazine. It's fucking Glamour. I won't say it doesn't matter because it is a fashion magazine or whatnot but I get upset when they make Batman's cape too short but I will say...it doesn't matter. One writer who wrote a post that was full of all the anger said “By choosing Jenner as woman of the year, Glamour endorses the idea that men are better at being women than we are.” She also mentioned ovulating and having four daughters who I hope do not inherit her anger. She also pointed out the example of “Martine Rothblatt, a transgender woman, graced the cover of New York Magazine as highest-paid female CEO in the nation. Apparently real women can't cut it, so we've got to import men into our ranks to win awards.”

Johnny Panic: Check Your Privilege Part 1 of 3

“Now just a little to the left...perfect!”

Another day.

“Okay, now smile...that's...okay...great!”

Another photo shoot.

“Give me a little flight, Johnny! Just a...oh, good god!”

This guy loves his job too much.

“And...we're done! Thank you so much!”

I'd love my job too if I had the pleasure of taking pictures of me for the day. Sometimes I take dick pics for the hell of it. I'll send them to Ronica even though she is laying right next to me. She will sigh and the next thing you know I'm flying to another state to grab her something she likes. Its a bartering system and the key to a happy relationship. When women are full of food they like they can't protest the sex. I read that somewhere.

My bestfriend Zazz is off to the side texting while we're in this studio. Probably his wife. Nerd. I bet he has never sent his wife a dick pic. He's not that type of guy. He's the type to send a selfie while at a restaurant or of the food he is eating. I'll never understand how he got a chick like Aimee. Its on some Billy Bob/Jolie level shit.

Dante Bitches About People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive 2015

People Magazine has released their Sexiest Man Alive nonsense and of course I'm not happy with it. 40 year old David Beckham won which is bullshit because his first name is not Ryan and his last name is not Gosling. He pulled the humble shit that people that win this type of award tend to when he was told that he had received this. “It's a huge honor. And I'm very pleased to accept.” As if he would say “Nah. I'm good.”

“I never feel that I'm an attractive, sexy person. I mean I like to wear nice clothes and nice suits and look and feel good, but I don't ever think of myself that way.” Shut up your lying liar that lies! To me Beckham is a guy that played soccer, or professional kickball to the rest of the world, and then married a Spice Girl. Not even the hottest one either. Its Scary Spice in case you're wondering. Fuck, that woman is hot. Anyhoot, I used to see his mug on all the British tabloids when I worked at the porn shop and thought “Fuck this guy. He's throwing off the curve.” Then I heard him talk and felt better.

Dante Vs. Nature 58

This guy named Paul O'Leary learned what I have known for years: the ocean is natures dinner plate. While swimming at a new beach in Hawaii he was bitten by a damned shark. He thought he had hit something sharp until he saw a part of himself hanging off. This is the part where I would change the color of the water. He started doing a backstroke while calling out for help. Another nude swimmer spotted him and helped him to shore.

When he was pulled ashore all O'Leary was worried about was the fact that he was butt booty ass naked while people arrived to help him. “There's about five people putting pressure on the cut and I told them I wanted to get my clothes on. So we got them and we kind of put it on.” The shark severed nerves and tendons in his leg and he got 50 stitches. “If you've never gone swimming nude, you gotta try it. You feel very free...there's very little resistance.” Nah. I'm good.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

Miss BumBum Pageant Winner 2015

It is that time of the year where a pageant is held to crown the lady with the best ass in Brazil! Yes, this is a yearly thing which makes sense because when I think of Brazil I think of ass. And Children of God. And that spider that can bite you and make your penis so hard that it explodes. You think I'm making that up but I'm not. This is a real pageant. Oh, you thought I was still talking about that spider. No, I am talking about that Miss BumBum Pageant, son!

This years winner is Suzy Cortez. Mind you, this is about ass. Not, like, her face and stuff. Asses seem to be very important in Brazil and Black people of course and has now become a thing all over the world. Brazil accounts for 13% of plastic surgery in the world but you cant have a fake ass and enter this contest. I'll get to more on that later.

Cortez is a 26 year old fitness model and she and 500 other chicks competed in this pageant. I'm not even sure what the prize is other than a ton of people knowing you have the best ass this year. “I've been preparing myself for the past four months. I've always wanted to win this contest. I dedicated myself completely. I dieted and did rigorous training.” That entire sentence is funny to me. She's always wanted this and trained hard the last four months.

Dante Vs. Nature 57

This woman in Indiana found out the hard way that dogs are evolving when it shot her ass. 25 year old Allie Carter had her shotgun on the ground while she was hunting and her dog somehow managed to step on it and it went off. She was hit in the foot and had to be treated at two different hospitals. Guess the dogs name. Trigger. I shit you not. This isn't a picture of the actual dog but it is a black lab. Why the lab gotta be black?!

I bet that at some point she took one of those dog shaming pictures and Trigger just waited for his chance to strike and when he had it he took it. Every year there is a story where someone gets shot by their dog. I'd be too embarrassed to go to a hospital if this happened to me. I'd end up having some innocent person arrested from making some far more exciting story up.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

Young Brothers Worked As Young Pimps

Two teenage brothers are being charged with running a prostitution ring. They are 15 year old Dionte Hunter and 17 year old Thaishaun Hunter. These names, I swear, these names. They were running their lemonade stand from their home in Spokane, Washington. Their business was found out because of a backpage.com ad and after Thaishaun was arrested earlier this year for a shooting.

While his phone calls were being checked while he was locked up at a juvenile detention center investigators caught wind of a conversation about promoting prostitution. In this call the brothers talked about a 14 year old prostitute making all the money with Dionte saying that she “looks too young” and her “face is fucked up.” In another conversation Thaishaun talked to a 16 year old prostitute that complained about not wanting to work because Dionte threatened to hurt her. In yet another call where another prostitute talked about Dionte beating the 14 year old Thaishaun said “You talking too much, these phone calls are recorded.”

In another call between the brothers that bragged about making $1,000 in eight hours and how their online ads were “poppin' off.” The phone number to contact them for some young sex was their mothers phone number with investigators figuring that she knew what her sons were doing. A 20 year old prostitute, Aaliyah Johnson, told police that Thaishaun was giving 25% of the money she earned to his mom. For whatever reason mom has not been charged yet. The 14 year old told police she worked with Johnson but was “not a victim.” She also said she was in the ads. This is just a whole pack of winners.  

Just Talking With Dante Episode 1

For this random series where I'll just be talking to people in my life about random topics my first guest is my cousin Jasmine. This is her first time on any of my shows. We talk about our love of food, Thousand Island dressing, her recent trip to Bali and why that place of all places, my lack of traveling or treating Vegas like Vegas, where she plans to travel next, and my strong belief that I could land a plane if need be. Click here if you want to download this.

Kids These Days 60

Some kids are assholes. Just gonna put that out there. You may have a kid that you think is great but to the rest of the world they just sigh and roll their eyes at them knowing that they are gonna be a shitty adult at some point. This 14 year old girl from Virginia is named Aliya May and she was suspended from school for a month and facing assault charges after tossing a carrot at one of her former teachers in the hallway, hitting her in the forehead.

Now, someone just said to themselves “Its just a carrot. You can't hurt anyone with a carrot.” That isn't the point, assbutt. You also have not seen Shoot Em Up with Clive Owen where he kills a guy with a carrot. The point of this is that a kid should never feel so damned comfortable in their position as a human being that they think throwing anything at an adult is an okay thing to do. Administrators say that the carrot was used as a weapon but Aliya said it was a joke. Ha.

Fear Totes McGoats

In Buffalo they have a new mascot for the Niagra Falls Solid Waste Education & Enforcement Team and it is creepy as hell. Its name is Totes McGoats and looks like someone heard a funny rhyme on the internet and said “This will help teach the kids how to recycle. And not sleep. Yeah. Definitely no sleep for the children.” Look at that thing! Its like an old drawing of the Devil! 

Mayor Paul Dyster said “I guess you would say Totes is a cute animal mascot, kind of scary actually. But having an animal mascot we think is one of the ways that you can reach out to kids and get their attention.” 

There is no kid that will look at that and do anything but be afraid. If I turned the corner and saw this I'd throw my wallet at it, scream, and pray to Cthulhu before simultaneously shitting myself and puking. I don't like it. That mayor is lying saying this thing is cute. Its a beast. And why does it have the expression like its eating a soul? Answer: because it is. Yours. Mine. Everyone. Fear Totes.

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Advice

Whenever I feel like angering my blood I know I can just go to Cosmo online and check out their advice column. They tend to give very long winded answers to questions I would answer in five seconds if a friend asked me. So I bitch about it. That is what this is. This time there were two that stood out. The way this goes is someone will ask a question, some Cosmo writer that hates women or is a social justice warrior will respond, and then I put in my two cents. Got it? No? You need more coffee.

Johnny Panic: Father/Daughter Fieldtrip

“Why does our daughter smell like ashes?” is not a question many parents have to answer to.

But I'm not like many parents. For one, the entire world knows who I am. For two, other parents are better liars than I am. Can't wait till Milly is old enough to grasp the concept of Santa Claus. That fat, red liar got all the credit my mother deserved growing up. I won't lie to my child! My lady...that's another story.

“I think she got into the chimney” I say to Ronica. Ronica is my lady not my wife. I call her my wife sometimes. She's dragging her heels on getting married until she loses all the weight she gained when she was pregnant with Milly. She's five pounds lighter than before she was pregnant. Its a lie. I'm just returning the lie favor.

“We live in Hawaii” she tells me.

“I know, right?!” I say. “And its so beautiful here...”

“And we don't have a chimney.”

“What kind of home has no chimney?!” I ask, genuinely shocked at this turn of events.

“Don't try to change the subject.”

“This will not stand!” I shout. Milly laughs and shouts as well which makes the pictures on the wall wobble and Ronica wince. “I refuse to raise our child in a chimney-less home! Pack your bags, sugarfoot. We're moving!”

While You Were Sleeping: McKayla Dyer

There was a school shooting last week and another one in Arizona this morning that is still developing. Meanwhile an 8 year old girl named McKayla Dyer was shot and killed by an 11 year old at a trailer park in White Pine, Tennessee and no one mentioned it. Back in the day a young, White kid being killed would dominate the news but in todays world it barely makes headlines. Its not sensational enough. Not enough blood. Not the right race to get attention. No cops involved. Just a kid killed. Its sad but true.

The 11 year old shooters name is not being released due to his age but he may be tried as an adult. It is being said that the boy shot McKayla because she would not let him see her puppy. He got his fathers shotgun and shot her in the chest. Her sister witnessed this. When police arrived she was unresponsive and was pronounced dead at the hospital. The boy and his family were taken to the Jefferson County Sheriff's Office to be interviewed. The father asked for a lawyer to be present during the process.

Kids These Days 59

I am a dream killer. I know this about myself. Well, dream killer may be too strong of a term. Hope slayer. Wish smasher. Goal crusher. Those sound nicer. I saw this story a little bit ago of this 11 year old kid named Tyler Armstrong that plans on climbing Mt. Everest. I heard this and thought his parents hated him. Why would you let your kid do some shit like this?

Yeah, he's set some other records in the past (climbed Mount Whitney in a day when he was 8, he was the second youngest person to make it to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania at 9, he was the youngest to do Mount Aconcagua in Argentina, and in August Mount Elbrus in Russia). But its fucking Mt. Everest. This isn't something that will be done over the weekend. He will have to be there for over a month in conditions made to kill humans. “I'm really excited that I can actually go to Mount Everest, experience the mountain and get to the summit” Yeah. And I was excited about sex until I had it.

Five Things I Learned In Elementary School

Play time is over! This is a continuation of the first post I wrote about the Five Things I Learned Before Elementary School. Elementary school is an important part of growing up because not all, but a lot, of people become actualized during this time. What I mean by this is that they are what they will be at this time in terms of their attitude and personalities.

I know some people will not agree with these Five Things I Learned In Elementary School, specifically 1st grade through the 5th because by the time I was 10 years old the 6th grade became junior high. It was weird. So here goes. Prepare to be reminded of how terrible school was! School is a zoo that you need to experience to be ready for the shitty adult world we all live in.

Do Black People Fear Therapy?

Black people don't go to therapy. Mind you, this is a very general statement and some of you that are reading this saw that first sentence and said “I do!” or “I did!” or “They don't?” In high school I was sent to three therapy groups and to this day can't tell you why (click here to read more about my experiences with that). Well, in hindsight everything about me screamed “future school shooter” but that wasn't me. Quiet, dark clothes, keeps to himself. If it walks like a duck and quacks like it its likely a Black kid that has a terrible home life and doesn't know how to deal with it. Why?

Because mental therapy is for crazy White people!

That is what I was led to believe growing up. When you look at the history of Black people in this country it isn't all that hard to understand why they would have a distrust for the medical profession. Ever hear of the Tuskegee Experiments? The U.S Public Health Service intentionally withheld syphilis treatment from Black men to see what would happen from 1932 to 1972. As John Heller the Director of the Public Health Service's Division of Venereal Diseases said “For the most part, doctors and civil servants simply did their jobs. Some merely followed orders, others worked for the glory of science.” That doesn't sound too comforting.

What People Care About This Week: Ahmed Mohamed

For this post I'm gonna have to ask all of you to not put on your Social Justice Warrior t-shirt, form your own opinion, be honest, and realize that things are not the way they used to be. A few days ago a 14 year old student in Irving, Texas named Ahmed Mohamed was arrested for bringing a home made alarm clock to school. His teacher freaked out thinking it was a bomb, just like I would've, and called the police which led to his arrest. “I built the clock to impress my teacher, but when I showed it to her, she thought it was a threat to her. It was really sad that she took the wrong impression from it” Ahmed said after being released from a detention center to his parents.

The school, MacArthur High School, said that they are willing to allow Ahmed to return to the school but the family does not want him there and deciding where he'll go instead. The internet has started the hashtags #IstandWithAhmed and #EngineersForAhmed because that is what the world does now. President Barack Obama even invited him to the White House. Why? I'm not sure. I'm really not.

Five Things I Learned Before Elementary School

Preschool stinks. I know some of you went there or have kids that did or will be. But to me it was a strange place that removed children from spending more time with their parents like they should. This is coming from someone that does not plan on having kids ever and every woman I did (all two of them) didn't pan out. So this is the thoughts of someone that is childless and used to be a human of preschool age which means I am just the person to talk about this shit. In this Five Things I Learned Before Elementary School I'll discuss what pertains to me because this is my blog. Get your own blog, you loser. Oh, and I will be covering the rest of school as well. 

School Doesn't Sound Fun

When my brothers and cousins would get home from school they never looked like they had a good time. Well, the bad ones did because bad kids tend to enjoy school more than good ones. I would never hear stories about the fun things they learned in class or about a teacher that made them feel good. I'd just hear about how they wished they were doing what I was: staying home all day watching TV.

Kids These Days 58

You can find an asshole anywhere, even in a daycare center. Two women, 22 year old Erica Kenny of Cranford, NJ and 28 year old Chanese White of Roselle, NJ were both charged with fourth-degree child abuse after staging fights between children at the Lightbridge Academy Daycare and even being dumb enough to film some of them because we can not do a single thing (sex, child birth, concerts, eating) without filming it. When Cam sent me this story I immediately thought these people needed to be hurt and assumed someone recorded it. The school does have those cameras where parents can check up on their kids but no cameras are on the playground where the fights took place. As a former child I can tell you for a fact that the most violence took place on the playground.

As far as they know one fight took place in August. Kenny is the one that filmed the fight on her phone and posted it to Snapchat because she is stupid and thinks that because videos disappear from the site that no one can record them. In the video she encourages the kids to fight each other and even references the movie Fight Club which is stupid because if anyone in Fight Club had a camera they would have been beaten to death.

We Have A New Champion Of Penis

Baby's got dust on his diamond! 52 year old Roberto Esquivel Cabrera of Mexico is now in the World Record Academy for having the world's biggest penis. Just how big is it? 18.9 inches. That is almost as tall as four damned soda cans! This shit is scary! That's like taking my penis and adding 18.8 inches. 

Guinness are a bunch of no funners so they don't have a category for this type of thing, but its undeniable so someone had to give the poor bastard something. I mean poor in a literal sense because dude can't get any work because of the hog between his legs. He can't even get no love from the ladies because they are afraid but I'm not sure you'd really want a woman that could take that much man meat.

“Look where it is, it goes far below the knees. I cannot do anything, I cannot work, and I am disabled so I want authorities to declare me as a disabled person and give me support” he said in between deep breaths since so much oxygen is needed just to supply blood to his dick. I totally made that last part up but it could be true. He says he has no friends and people don't want to talk to him. What a bunch of assholes. Its not like he's that dude that had the 200 pound ball sack. He probably walks funny but its not like he is just tripping people with his shit.

What People Care About This Week: Live WDBJ Killings

People are going to be talking about this for the next few days so I felt that I should write about it. Recently at work someone asked me if I had heard about the Paris train attack and I said no. When asked why I said “I try my best to choose what I absorb.” What I mean by that is I barely watch the news, don't care much for world issues, and the only things that I pick up on are from social media or friends telling me. I'm comfortably ignorant. I know some people will read that and sigh or feel bad for me. Don't. This is a nice place to be. This post will be about a shooting that was aired on live television. You probably shouldn't keep reading this if you're sensitive. 

During a live on the scene broadcast at 6:45am WDBJ reporter Alison Parker who was 24 years old and 27 year old cameraman Adam Ward a former employee of the news station Bryce Williams aka Lester Flanagan walked up and shot and killed them. The lady being interviewed, Vicki Gardner, was shot in the back and as of this writing in surgery. Ward's fiancee was in the control room when this happened and saw him shot.

Tale Of A Thirsty Counselor

When I first saw this story I could not believe how thirsty this teacher was. In most stories I write about with a teacher getting buck wild with a student my 16 year old self gets incredibly jealous at the fact that so much action was going down in school while I stood around staring at the walls wondering why I wasn't getting some stank on my hang low. This is not one of those stories of jealousy. This is about 40 year old college prep counselor/swim coach Emily Fenney and her getting fired for chasing after a 16 year old high school student who didn't want anything to do with her.

Police started investigating Feeney about three months ago after they were told about the fact that she was participating in some thirst based texts to a 16 year old. Fenney is a Harvard graduate that told this kid that she had connections and could help him get onto the swim team at Harvard if he would just give up the goods. She started sending him pictures of her that I'm sure she thought were sexy and even a topless one. Ladies, here's a pro tip for you: if you send a straight male of any age a topless picture and he doesn't respond immediately do not continue pursuit. Hell, if a woman sends me a picture of her calf I'm ready to put a well sized hole in my screen.

Dante Vs. Nature 56

Hey, you wanna swim with a tiger for just $200? You do? Okay, jackass. Have at it. This place in Florida called Wild Things has a new attraction called “Swim With A Tiger” where you can bake cookies and learn about tigers in their natural environment. I'm kidding. Your dumb ass can swim in a pool with a tethered tiger. You can also pose with them so your friends and family can know what you used to look like. 

Dante Vs. Nature 55

Hahaha! Stupid bear! This guy in Idaho named Doug Harder who also happens to have the best porn name ever took this picture of this stupid bear getting his head stuck in his cat door. Reports speculate that the bear was looking for food. Maybe it was looking for some good conversation. Of course it was looking for food and by food I mean people. Harder came home from vacation and found his condo wrecked. A bar got in through the sliding door and ate some brownie mix, a can of Pepsi, and a Toblerone bar. Pepsi? Ew! Kill it! Then it took a mean shit in his living room.

New Dresser

I ordered a dresser online from Walmart last week and got it today. Stupid me I thought that it would be really easy to put together because the people online said it was. It was easy in theory. If I had a screwdriver that was made for my big ass hands or a power drill it would have been done in an hour. But combined with the heat and just not sleeping properly and hating everything I could see for a few days it was harder than it needed to be.

I gutted my closet last week by getting rid of three garbage bags worth of clothes, a ton of random nonsense, and a very large dresser I didn't need. I had wanted to get rid of it for years and just kept putting it off and working around it. I'm happy with how much more space I have and that my closet is cleaner. I've never been someone that held on to a lot of things for no reason so throwing things away is easy for me. It also helps I moved so much growing up so I can't get too attached to physical things.  

Grown Ass Man Tips: Cheating

There is a line in an old Dr. Dre song where he says “If its your ho in my ride then its your ho you check.” In layman's terms it means “If your girlfriend is in my car and you have a problem with it take it up with her because I am not the problem.” I have always liked that line but as I get older I appreciate it more for its efficiency in so few words. There are a lot of people that get upset that their lover or whatever is with someone else messing around and get mad at the person they are messing around with. Hell, there have been hundreds of movies, TV shows, and songs dedicated to someone getting revenge because of this. To those that say they would never cheat I'll wait for you to get back to me after you finally do. If you haven't been cheated on welcome to the world of dating or you just never found out. 

I've been cheated on twice...that I know of. Could've been more. But I didn't get mad at the guy she messed with (or girl in one case) because I wasn't dating them. I wasn't going to do was go on a rampage. I just went in both cases “I hope I was worth it” and left it there. Obviously I wasn't fulfilling some need they had or they had the chance and took it. Most people will not turn down some strange when they are in the mood for it or the strange they get at home isn't any good. So if you are being cheated on there is a good chance that your significant other is not happy with you. If you are the cheater chances are you're not happy. Either way deal with that shit. Just don't get caught. Or be in an open relationship. I can't do that (fear of booty cooties) but I hear it works great for others. 

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.

Teach Me How To Dougie

A teacher is in trouble for a picture taken where two female students are placing their hands on her boobs. This isn't even a shocking thing anymore because we live in this strange new culture where everyone wants to be the cool kid no matter how silly it looks or how much trouble they can get in. 

Amy Douglas is a science and chemistry teacher in Rochester, Pennsylvania. The picture was taken around a prom that she helped organize and chaperone. The picture has since been deleted off of Instagram and cropped to cover up the two students that helped make this very unsexy image happen. A caption with the photo originally said “Everyone be jealous we got to touch Dougies boobs.” 

No student should be that comfortable with a teacher. Not enough to call them Dougie, touch their boobs, or have the teacher think it is cute/funny to have a picture with her face clearly shown with students touching her breasts. She is being investigated for the photo. The students have now graduated. I know someone is saying that this is just a fun image to which I say be careful. Being a pervatron is a very slippery slope, one that I am all too aware of. My back glistens with oils from the slide of perversity from whence the only hope for a cleansed soul is a religious fervor not seen nor accepted since the 1500's. How wet do you want to get?

What People Care About This Week: Samuel Dubose Murder

As of today 671 people have been killed by police in the United States. When I typed in “How many people have been killed by...” the sentence filled itself in with ...”ISIS” and “...the police in 2015.” On July 19th 43 year old Samuel Dubose of Cincinnati, Ohio and father of thirteen was shot and killed by 25 year old officer Raymond Tensing during a traffic stop over a missing plate. The entire incident was recorded on a body camera which once again made me want to shout at everyone about how having a camera on every cop will not stop them from beating or killing anyone the same way surveillance cameras don't stop crime. Is it better that people that commit these crimes can be caught because there is footage? Yes. But that doesn't bring back someone who was killed for no reason.

Prosecuting attorney Joseph T. Deters stated “It was a senseless, asinine shooting. This doesn't happen in the United States, okay? This might happen in Afghanistan. People don't get shot for a traffic stop.” He also said “This office has probably reviewed upwards of hundreds of police shootings, and this is the first time that we've thought this is without question a murder.”

What People Care About This Week: Raynette Turner

Another arrest, another person dying in police custody. This time it was mother of eight kids 42 year old Raynette Turner of Mount Vernon, New York. While waiting for arraignment after being arrested for shoplifting she was found dead in her holding cell. Her husband of 23 years, Herman Turner is not taking this lightly. “Sounds like a cover-up to me. If they Mount Vernon police did their job she would still be alive. I want somebody's head to roll on this. I am not going to rest until I get some type of justice for my wife. That's the bottom line.”

So far the officials results have been inconclusive as to how she died. Herman wasn't even sure that his wife was arrested on Friday of Saturday for stealing crab legs where she was found a short distance away from by police. He was told she was complaining of feeling ill on Monday and was found dead on Tuesday. He didn't find out that his wife was dead until two detectives showed up at his house to tell him. “We know she was requesting medical treatment and it seems that, at some level, the system and the protocols that the city was following failed.”

Good Vibrations Gone Bad

I saw this story and asked a friend if 24 year old Vanquesia Hatisha Lowe qualified as a Certified Bastard and after realizing that she didn't meet the criteria for such a title (mean, evil, dangerously ignorant) I decided to plop her down here. This Florida resident was arrested last week after she stile a glass dildo from a Spencer's gift shop that cost about $25. Lowe put it in her purse after opening it and skidaddled. She was caught at another store in the mall and at first said she didn't do anything before finally handing it over to a store manager. This entire situation is embarrassing.

Is it said in a police report that she didn't think that she would get caught. I would hope that someone that steals something has more confidence in themselves. “I can do this! I am gonna steal this dildo and get myself off with ill gotten goods!” She was released on $500 bond. 

Different sites keep referring to it as a vibrator and made of glass which in and of itself is a ridiculous conclusion to make. It is likely acrylic and there is no way those take batteries unless you make one yourself and like living in the danger zone. The acrylic type of dildos can be warmed up in the microwave which should make you look at your single female friends that live alone and openly talk about their sex toys a little bit differently when they offer to warm up a meal for you.