Kids These Days 55

I know that when I do some of these posts I talk about all the good things that kids nowadays don't get to have that I did and feel bad for them. But there are some things that kids today are lucky they don't have to deal with like terrible candies and snacks that existed back in the day. There were some things so bad that the tastes still exist in my mind's tongue. I have found five of the ones I think were the worst ones. Mind you, this is just candy. There were plenty of other things that went in my mouth that tasted terrible. Wait...

Flavor Aid. You poor bastard. Figuratively and literally. If someone told you they had Kool Aid and you got this you got your first taste of actual rage as a child. This was more like Fool-Aid than anything else. 

You would have to add so much sugar to make this drinkable you might as well have just threw it away and just drank sugar water. It tricked you because it looked like it should be sweet but it didn't even smell like Kool-Aid. It smelled like a beach. Venice Beach. They wouldn't even send this shit to starving children. If you've never had to drink this because you could afford the real thing or because you just knew better count yourself as lucky. And don't be fooled by its claim to contain vitamin C. That's a lie and a half. I'm sure herpes has some useful vitamins in it, too. 

Teacher Shows New Breasts To Students

This 34 year old high school teacher in Virginia named Melissa Kidd is in trouble for showing topless pictures of herself to some students at school. Mind you, this is Evil Dante writing this so most of what I say will be pretty horrible. This is the case when a story involves a female teacher doing something that me at the ages of 7 – 18 would've enjoyed. Yes, I said 7. I never had that whole “Ew, girls!” phase in my life. Well, maybe now I do. But back then no. Now that that's out of the way I'll continue.

Kidd is being investigated for indecent liberties with a child by a person in a supervisory role. That's a long-winded ass way of saying corruption of a minor. This all happened back in March and the police want to search her phone now in May. According to the investigators Kidd showed the students, two of them are 18 and one 16, before and after pictures of her breasts at school. Idiot. You have to know better than to show kids these days that kinda shit. One of the students said that Kidd showed full butt booty ass naked pictures of herself. She was placed on leave after the school found out and then resigned from the career and technical education department.

Over Served Man Dies

A bartender in France was convicted of manslaughter for doing his job: getting someone stank ass drunk. Gilles Crepin served 56 year old Renaud Prudhomme 30 shots of alcohol which he drank in a minute because fuck rational thinking. He did this to beat a previous record of 55 shots which was posted at the bar called Le Starter. Should be changed to Le Finisher. 

In case you're wondering just how much booze that is, its about 2.4 liters. The closest image to that is a big ass jug of Mr. Clean. Its a lot of any liquid let alone alcohol. Prudhomme's daughter said that Crepin encouraged this dangerous game and should be held responsible for the outcome. Yeah...no. There is this crazy thing called personal responsibility.

Ron Haskins has a great statement about it saying “Personal responsibility is the willingness to both accept the importance of standards that society establishes for individual behavior and to make strenuous personal efforts to live by those standards. But personal responsibility also means that when individuals fail to meet expected standards, they do not look around for some factor outside themselves to blame. The demise of personal responsibility occurs when individuals blame their family, their peers, their economic circumstances, or their society for their own failure to meet standards.”

Only In Florida 14

Its time to bring this back. I've been doing more Florida based stories but not having them in this segment and that's just silly. This 46 year old mother (and its a hard 46) named Rachel Salters was arrested for attacking her 12 year old son with a bag of potatoes. Yeah. That is a thing that happened. It started when he asked her to make him some dinner and ended with an attack. No reports say what was said that happened in between those two actions which I think is important to know. When Rachel started hitting the kid, let's call him Spud, with the bag he ran into the bathroom and locked the door. 

Well, that wasn't stopping Rachel who Kool Aid Man'd her way through the locked door and continued hitting him with the bag. When the bag broke because shit is cheaply made nowadays, she started throwing individual potatoes at him as he hid between the toilet and bathtub. When police arrived and asked her about the bathroom door she said “I don't know.” Then after she was arrested she said “I didn't hit him with the potato, I only threw it at him!” That feeling you just had? That's called confusion. She also stated that it isn't a crime that she hit him because she only threw the potatoes at him. Spud was not hurt and Rachel was charged with felony child abuse and tampering with evidence for moving potatoes after cops told her not to. 

Barbecue Rib Fight

There are some people you can just look at and know not to fuck with them when it comes to food. Let's take 45 year old Sabrina Davis of Indiana. At 5'7” and 256 pounds she obviously is a fan of snacky yum-yums. So when the daughter of a lady hosting a barbecue tried to stop Sabrina from taking the last rib she got a fork to the eye. I'd never try to take barbecue from someone six inches shorter than me but 36 pounds heavier. Angela Watkins, the last brave woman on Earth, told Sabrina that she was taking “all the food.” By the way, this is such a Black thing to say. We will accuse you of eating all the food and letting out all the heat. 

Sabrina wasn't having that shit so she stabbed Angela in the eye with a fork. Sabrina said it was self defense because Angela had grabbed a knife from the dishwasher. Angela moved the pan away from Sabrina and the heavens quaked since they knew that violence was now on the menu. If I was in the kitchen I would have moved the kids behind me and told them to prepare to have a story to tell to their children. Sabrina ended up with a felony of criminal recklessness with a deadly weapon. Angela's left eye was swollen and bloodshot. The one question that wasn't answered is the most important: Who got the last rib?

Salad Tossing For Freedom

This 52 year old lady from Louisiana was arrested for first being violent then being nasty. Well, its nasty because we know what she did but if this happened in her bedroom she'd be a champion. Diane Thomas was arrested after she beat up her boyfriend. By the way, if you're that age and have a “boyfriend” you both better have an agreement that marriage is garbage or just accept the fact that you two are roommates. When the cops showed up and the boyfriend had scratches all over him she told cops that her man was a bitch that he got in her face so she “beat his ass.” She also told cops that she couldn't go to jail because she “has a good job.” Then she took things to Freaky Town.

As she was handcuffed she told the officer “If you won't take me to jail I will get on my knees right now. Officer I will even lick your butt hole.” Now...this is why I'm not a cop. Why? Because I would have taken her up on her offer. I know I'm terrible! She was charged with misdemeanor domestic abuse and then felony bribery. She made the $5,000 bond and is back on the streets with the world knowing she is willing to toss salad to not go to jail.  

Dumb Teacher Does Dumb Thing

This goes along with me saying that the people that hurt the passage of marijuana laws in this country are the ones that enjoy it the most. A high school teacher in Louisiana, 29 year old Camille Brennan, was arrested on two counts of narcotics distribution and two counts of delinquency of a minor after she gave some pot brownies to two of her female students. She works(ed) at Archbishop Hannan High School. Police and the school principal learned about this after one of the girls told them that night. 

Brennan admitted to doing this and resigned from her job. The principal Father Charles Latour wrote a letter to parents saying “The care and safety of your sons and daughters is a priority I hold sacred.” I wonder what made her think that this was a good idea, serving weed to her students. Either way her dumb ass now has a police record and her career ruined. Her lawyer said “At this time, my client has simply requested that we fully cooperate with our judicial system in every capacity.” I've never understand why people do things like this. To be cool? To try and relate to the youth? I couldn't imagine losing my job and going to jail over doing something this damned silly.

What People Care About This Week: Child Molester Josh Duggar

Scumbag Josh Duggar is a child molester. There are a lot of things that I think people can be rehabilitated from but this isn't one of them. If you have it in you to molest a kid you need to not breathe anymore. Josh is 27 years old and the oldest child of the Duggar family known for being scary Christian and their TLC show 19 Kids And Counting which debuted in 2008 when there were just 17 kids. I say “just” in the loosest of terms. No one needs to have that many goddamn children. Even when having a lot of kids was useful like in farm times and shit if you were a family that had that many kids the town would probably kill you.

Last Thursday he issued an apology via Facebook saying “Twelve years ago, as a young teenager I acted inexcusably for which I am extremely sorry and deeply regret. I hurt others, including my family and close friends. I confessed this to my parents who took several steps to help me address the situation. We spoke with the authorities where I confessed my wrongdoing and my parents arranged for me and those affected by my actions to receive counseling.”

Johnny Panic: The New Hotness Part 6 Finale

Click here for previous The New Hotness.

I think its time for me to interview Bingham. He knows so much about me but I don't know anything about him that I can't see in a teen magazine. We probably have about half an hour left before he is swept away into the arms of thousands of new fans. Millions if I'm being honest. Which I'm not. I know how this goes. The world gets some new hotness and chews them up.

But not me. Eight years running, bitch.

“So, Tony” I say. “How is it that I haven't heard of you until now?” He bites his bottom lip at the corner and squints his eyes. I need to practice that look.

“Low profile, I guess” he mumbles. I hear his heart skip a beat. I can see the molecules in his body overheating which will cause him to sweat in less than 27 seconds. His pupils dilate which means...nothing. I'm making this up. I can't hear his heartbeat. I don't have that power. But I can spot when someone is dodging an answer. I'm the master of it.

“Low profile, huh?” I say. This guy is being weird. “So where were you and your lady heading when you had an accident?”

Dante Bitches About Maxim Hot 100 2015

For years now Maxim has put out their list of the Hot 100. Its been pretty bullshit but this year they've gone too far. They tend to pick someone that is hot at the moment or a flash in the pan. You remember who was number one last year? It was Candice Swanepoel and she is way down on the list now. Do you even remember what she looks like?

I didn't until I looked for that image. And this list becomes automatic bullshit not just for the fact that Taylor Swift is number one but because Ronda Rousey is nowhere on it. You telling me that millions of men voted and Rousey, the undefeated UFC women champion who has also been in one of the highest grossest movie this year Furious 7 and on the cover of Sports Illustrated and hot ass chick didn't get enough votes to crack this list? I call major bullshit.

Click Bait Rape Story

When I first heard about this story every single post I saw had one of two pictures of this chick with the headline saying something like “Woman arrested for raping man!” Now, when you look at that picture and that title you think one of a few things. If you're stupid you think a woman can't rape a man. You may also think that she is cute and if you have pretty much no morals you wouldn't mind being raped by her. Or if you're like me you decided to read up on this a little more and saw that this was a deceptive ass picture. This is not a recent picture!

26 year old Chantae Marie Gilman of Seattle was arrested for raping a 31 year old man as he slept after breaking into his apartment back in July on 2013. She has pleaded not guilty of course but copped to second degree assault and third degree attempted rape.

The guy that was attacked didn't know her but knew that she was someone a neighbor knew and was a known drug user in the neighborhood. Not a good thing to be known for. When he woke up with her on top of him he told her to get off and she replied “Be quiet” while pinning his arms down over his head. This is not a small woman. He was able to wriggle his way from under her as she asked for a cigarette and he threw one at her crazy ass. Less than 24 hours later called police and did the whole rape kit deal.

At the time of this assault she was eight months pregnant with her fifth child. During a police interview she couldn't remember how she got into the guys house or having sex with him. She also said she suffered from psychosis and bipolar disorder.

The Hotness According To Men And Women

I was recently trolling the internet looking for something to bitch about (which I do a lot) in terms of looks. The hotness. What is the body that people want right now? Personally, what I am into physically makes no sense and is all across the board. I found this site called Bluebella which sells sexy time things.

They asked 1,000 men and women to pick their perfect man and woman and using scary Frankenstein type technology made it. This is one of those situations where something sounds good until you see, hear, or taste it like gum and crackers. By the way, this is obviously British. There are other sites that have done these but this is the first one I found so pffft.

The World's Grossest Roommate

This 56 year old nasty ass old lady named Sarah Schrock of Mechanicsville, Maryland is being charged with felony contaminating and second-degree assault. Why? Because she's gross! When her roommate was drinking a glass of milk she started choking on something that was in it. She and someone else coughed it up and it appeared to be human fucking skin. Ew! They strained it and it was a bunch of skin shavings inside. The roommate told cops that Sarah kept her foot shavings in a tray. My god! How is this your roommate?! 

This skin drinking shit happened days after she placed a protective order against Sarah who was arrested a few days later for violating it. Sgt. Cara Grumbles said that she did not know whether or not this had anything to do with Sarah putting her goddamn foot skin in her roommate's milk. Really? You don't? If I found out that I had a roommate that saved any part of their body one of us is leaving. And if I found out that someone was leaving pieces of their nasty ass feet in anything I even touched they would be the ones calling police. There used to be a guy that lived in my building that offed himself. Apparently he saved years worth of toilet paper rolls and his long greasy hair in the shower. When someone saves body parts it is a sign of fucked up-ness. If you are reading this and you think its fine to save parts of yourself...stop.

Mama Likes Her Drank

One mother had quite the Mother's Day last weekend. Hayley Dawn Hampton, 28 of Oklahoma, was arrested after being accused of child neglect. By the way, the names Hayley and Dawn are trouble names for girls. Police were contacted after someone saw her 4 year old sitting in the back seat of her car while she was inside having drinks at Lumpy's Sports Bar. When police talked to her she said that she went into Lumpy's to get her boyfriend but then her friends were all like “Its Mother's Day! Let's get turnt up!” so she had a drink. 

Hayley says that her boyfriend went outside to watch her kid and a bartender says that she didn't notice when he came back fifteen minutes later to keep the party going. He also says that she was in there for an hour and had a beer and a shot. Sounds like the perfect recipe for driving your kid around, huh? She was arrested for child neglect, the boyfriend was not, and the kid is now with a family member. I can't stand someone that drinks and drives. I can't stand someone that adds a kid into the mix. I'm sure her goofy ass will be out and do it again within a year. If you haven't learned your lesson by the age of 28 chances are you'll do some dumb shit again.

Dante Vs. Nature 51

You know what I wish was real? Bigfoot. The Sasquatch. Yeti. Whatever the hell you wanna call it I want it real and I want it now. Why? Just because if we are wrong about that thing it means we can be wrong about a lot of other stuff like aliens, the Loch Ness Monster, and religion. All over the world there are different versions of this creature. In over a dozen Native American cultures there is some version of Bigfoot and it is talked about the same way we talk about bears. Its a thing that is there and real.

A while back I heard about this creature that used to exist called Gigantopithecus. This thing looks terrifying. It is said to have been 9 feet tall and existed close to the time that we did. Its not like when we evolve all the other versions of us go “Whelp. Seems our time is up” and fade away. They slowly vanish. The thing is though, till this day we find new creatures that we thought no longer existed or had died out. Last year alone there were over 18,000 new species discovered.

Johnny Panic: The New Hotness Part 5

Click here for previous The New Hotness.

I wonder if this is what its like when people meet me for the first time. Hell. Every time. After a few more minutes of having our picture taken Anthony Bingham takes me by the arm and we head inside. I feel like a pretty, pretty princess! This guy is intoxicating. Even though I can't be killed by anything known to man he opens the door for me and even pulls my seat out.

No!

I will not be tricked by this guy! I am Johnny Panic. Yes, this guy is amazing. Yes, he looks like a god. Yes, he smells incredible. Yes, his voice sounds like Jesus' butler. Yes, his eyebrows are on fleek. Yes, if he wanted to have a three-way with me and Ronica I'd let him go first. But that does not mean that he is better than me. I've been to space. I fought an alien. I brought down a president. I have more fan fiction than Tom Hiddleston and Benedict Cumberbatch combined. This is just another Englishman I gotta break.

“Its such an honor to meet you” Bingham says.

“You too, dude” I say. Everything I say sounds stupid with my stupid American accent. Dude. What the fuck? “What should I, uh, call you? Anthony? Bingham?”

New Hamburglar

I don't know who this asshole is, but I don't trust him. McDonald's released their image of the new Hamburglar and thank god he isn't Black. They released a new commercial for this guy that shows him in the backyard with his wife and son making burgers and he finds out that some new burger is coming out and he seems to suffer some form of PTSD and whispers “Robble, robble...” That burger he is holding isn't even something that place makes. I have eaten almost every burger that places makes and he is holding a lit. 

McDonald's has been updating their stuff the last few years. They changed the way Ronald McDonald looks and then they went too far and got a mascot for the Happy Meal that looks like something that would make you shit backwards if you saw it in your home. I'm not comfortable with change. New things make me nervous. This guy looks like someone at a Kanye West fashion show. For real. Look it up.

Booger Sugar In Nature Valley Bar

This lady named Cynthia Rodriguez of San Antonio, Texas got the surprise of a lifetime when she opened up a Nature Valley bar. No, not a cash prize like she assumed but a small bag of cocaine. She was enjoying what could be described as possibly the hardest snack on the planet when the drogas fell out. 

She called General Mills Inc. all excited thinking she had won something. They told her to call the police and after some investigation (and probably some mad parties) they told her that it was cocaine. A spokesperson for GM said that the bar wasn't packaged at their facility and would not say which one it was. Probably the one with the employees that never take lunch breaks and refuse to stop talking about all the great ideas they have for new products. Like cocaine flavored Nature Valley bars.  

Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Answering

Over the last two years that I've been doing these Why Isn't Dante Dating? blogs I've never flat out asked people that I knew what type of woman I should date. I pretty much asked “...what kind of woman do you think would be good for me? You can make the response one sentence or as long as you want.” I honestly expected to get maybe five responses back and am surprised and happy by the amount of folks that replied. Thank you.

I was talking to my cousin last night and the topic of hobbies came up and how most of my ex's didn't have any and no matter how many times I've said “I'm not dating someone that doesn't have a damned hobby!” I've kept doing it. Then she mentioned opposites attracting and that sent me on a two minute rant. I also told a friend what I wanted. “I'd just say she should like food, not exercise much, enjoys penis, watches TMZ, hates politics, and reads books. And drives. Doesn't like makeup. Yeah. I think that's it.”

Kids These Days 54

This is one of those stories where you'll either say “That poor kid” or “Good for his mama!” Me, I say “It should have happened for real!” because I don't have kids and tend to be extreme in my thoughts. Blame it on my social Asperger's or the touch of autism. Either way this kid had his mother Chiquita Hill of Columbus, Georgia scare the shit out of him because he was acting up. She was afraid that his bad behavior would continue and lead to him being in trouble with the law or killed in the future.

She said for weeks that her 10 year old son was being a problem in school and acting up. She said that talking to him about it wasn't working so she took another approach. “He's going through the phase right now, it's just in one ear out the other.” Employing the Scared Straight method she had police come to check his bad ass. “I'm scared for when they get older, how bad is it going to be?” She talked to the police about the simulation and they came, talked to him about his behavior, and tossed his ass in the back of a cop car for five minutes. Proud to say I am 36 and have never been in a police car. Handcuffed for suspected bank robbery, yeah, but never placed in the police car.

What People Care About This Week: Freddie Gray

Recently 25 year old Freddie Gray died after injuries sustained after his arrest in Baltimore by police. This has led to riots, protest, and multiple injuries. But first I'm gonna go back to what caused this to happen. I am gonna try and be as factual as I can be while writing this because this is all still under investigation and not all of the information has been released. Every day more comes out that makes me go “Okay, but...” and “I get that, but...”

To me a lot of what is wrong with this case, the people involved, and not to sound like a hippie, the system, is the procedures that are in place.

Gray lived at home with his two sisters, one of whom was his twin. He had been arrested a lot of times. A lot. It is shown that he was arrested 22 times for various crimes, primarily drug related and some assaults. There has been 20 cases against him in court with five of them still being active. I'm not writing this stuff to paint this guy as a criminal. He was a criminal. That isn't even a question. I'm just stating what I believe are facts. But criminal or not he didn't deserve what happened.