Phoenix Jones You Say?

Have you ever heard of Phoenix Jones? Oh, you haven’t? He was recently on the news for pepper spraying a crowd of people he felt were doing wrongs. Jones is a crime fighter. Like, a for reals crime fighter. Meaning that he dresses up and confronts bad guys until real help arrives. I guess you could call him The Human Rape Whistle. He’s based out of Seattle which is cool because if I ever saw ths guy in person I would end up in the hospital from laughing too hard. I mean, honestly. Does this strike fear in your heart? I guess maybe if you were minding your business and a giant Black man wearing a mask came at you from the shadows.

Jones got his start after his car was broken into and his son was hurt after falling on some glass. Hmm. Not as, uh, dramatic as having your parents shot in front of you, being the last son of your dying planet, or selling your soul to the Devil but I guess it’s a reason nonetheless. Jones used a mask which was used along with a rock to smash the window to save a friend later who was being attacked. He stopped the assault by “making a commotion.” Jesus, that could mean anything. Running around in circles doing the Kermit Flail could be considered a “commotion.” Anyway, this started him on his path to infamy. His tools are a baton, pepper spray, handcuffs, and a first aid kit.

ABC News ended up airing a special about him and his Justice League (or Just Us League) who call themselves the Rain City Superhero Movement. Not catchy at all. So these yahoos patrol the streets scaring normally law abiding citizens and making actual threats pee laughing. Fat kung fu dudes and broke looking ninjas aren’t exactly fear inducing. The one in red is begging to be shot at in that get up. And the ninja? At night he’s a human traffic cone. According to Wikipedia every one of them have military or mixed martial arts training. Yeah, I have mixed martial arts training too. I mix my arts all the time. Drawing, painting, and dabbling in guitar playing.

Some of Jones’ exploits are stopping a drunk man from getting into his car, spraying a guy trying to steal a bus with pepper spray, stopping a break in, and spraying a group of people with pepper spray. Two groups of people were arguing and Jones showed up, said “I’m a superhero”, and laid it on them. Seriously, what the fuck? I don’t mind ordinary citizens dressing up and fighting crime. I seriously don’t. But if you’re gonna do it go H.A.M. Don’t walk up to people and wave a stick around or spray them. Fuck them up for real.

Eventually this all had to come to an end. Phoenix Jones unmasked and- -sweet Mary mother of Joseph! What the fuck is that on his head?! Oh la oh la ay! Who in the hell still has this haircut?! Even when this was in style it wasn’t in style. Benjamin John Francis Fodor is his name, not Phoenix Jones. He’s also 23 years old. I guess he just stopped giving a damn about his costume because it looks like he was dragged by a car. He had to go to court and he revealed his identity to the world. Hopefully he’ll stay the hell off the streets and get his friends to as well. I wouldn’t suggest people do this unless they learn how to properly handle criminals that have weapons and - -fuck, this guys hair is way too distracting.

"Doom Mates" Halloween Short

They're baaaaaaaaaaack!!! Dante, Pretty Ricky, Death, Jason, and Michael are back to share some "skurry" stories for Halloween. One guess on how long it is before someone is insulted, hurt, or attacked. Thanks for watching!

Dear Me...

Atria Books is doing this thing where they have asked celebrities to write a letter to their 16 year old self and say whatever you want. I’ll never be a celebrity but I do want to write a letter to 16 year old Dante to let him in on some things. So please indulge me and I write a letter to that poor skinny son of a bitch that eventually transformed into the monster you all now know.

Dear Dante,

Hey, dude. Yeah, I’m twice your current age and I still talk like this. Right now I know what you’re going through. You go to school and think of nothing but getting home. Then you get home and all you think about is not wanting to be there. The yelling. The fighting. The drinking. Being told that you’re an ugly kid and too skinny. I know, it sucks. But let me tell you: shit gets better.

After high school you have a string of very shitty jobs. Bear with me. You clean up bodily fluids in a hospital, work at two pet stores, sell porn for seven years, read scripts, move dead bodies, work in a mail room, and then transcribe before becoming an associate editor for one of the highest rated shows on television. Oh, and you still draw. You don’t give that up. On top of that you write for nine blogs! Yeah, blogs are like public journals sorta. And you make your own short films and podcasts. Podcasts are like your own personal radio show where you say whatever you want. I know you hate your voice but a lot of folks really like it!

Not A Fan Of Superman

Growing up I was never a huge fan of Superman in comic book or film form. I was a Batman kinda kid. Till this day this is the way I think. As I got older I realized that there were many reasons why I had problems with this guy. His costume surprisingly isn’t one of them. Since I am pretty much done covering DC’s 52 I have decided that this blog will cover anything regarding comic book related information like movies, games, old comic books, and me just bitching about whatever I want. Like Superman who really isn’t that super when it comes down to it.

Heat Vision/Ice Breath. Superman has lots of powers. Lets start with his heat vision. This is a very cool power to have…if he ever used it. Years ago when I read The Death of Superman (spoiler alert!) and he fought Doomsday he didn’t bust out this ability until minutes before dying. If he thought about it for a second he would’ve just burned this crazy bastard to death and saved us all from the dozens of shitty Supermen that came out afterwards. Could you imagine being able to look at something and burn it?! Villains wouldn’t even know that I had the ability to punch I’d be using it so much.

Or you could use it to cook souffles.

How often does Supes use the ice breath? Not never. He used it in the movie to freeze a lake and put out a fire. Would have been easier to just swoop down and yank the flames into the sky or use ice breath to freeze it. God forbid you were in that lake when he decided to kill all the wildlife in it to put out that fire making the firemen all but useless at their jobs. Or to freeze a tank that was about to explode. I don’t even think that would work. Superman uses his powers like a child would. “That forest is burning! Better freeze this lake and fly it over the flames!” Really, dude?

Bullet Proof. It feels stupid to even point out the fact that Superman is bulletproof. If you fire a bullet at him you have to have heard of him. “Hey, you see that time Superman flew into a flaming building? How about that time that tank hit him and he didn’t flinch?” This still doesn’t stop people from firing at him using all their ammunition. And then…? Throw their gun at him. Superman needed to hold a press conference and have a cop firing a gun point blank into his face, turning towards the camera, and saying “This is what the fuck I do.” Crime should have ended the day Superman arrived. But it didn’t. because Superman doesn’t think. I wouldn't even have to see this happen to believe it because I live on Earth and I know that there is a creature that is the leader of a bunch of other creatures, gods, aliens, and super powered humans and if he tells me that he can be shot in the face and not blink I'm gonna believe him.

Super Strength/Speed. When you think of Superman the first image you have is his costume followed by thinking of his powers. Retard Strength doesn’t even begin to describe the amount of power this guy has. He has beaten enemies that have conquered planets. There is a move called The Superman Punch! Again, use the press conference example but switch getting shot in the face with flicking a car with his finger and looking into the camera and saying “This is your face in my dreams.”

"Shoryuken!!!"

Superman turned back time once to save a woman who was a 2 out of 10 by using his speed. People always argue over who is faster: The Flash or Superman? Flash disappears when he runs too fast. Superman alters reality. No one should even be able to pull a weapon out on him. As soon as they reach for one their face should be gone either with a punch or a laser from his eyes. As soon as a super villain opened their mouth to monologue Superman needed to be wearing their body as a sleeve with their asshole somewhere around his wrist. Look at that picture. Superman is so fast he dunked on four men during a basketball game. Not just four men. Two of them were BLACK men!!!

Secret Identity. Picture someone walking into your room wearing glasses. Now imagine him leaving and coming back seconds later wearing a costume with his glasses in his pocket. Would you have trouble identifying him? Nope. Clark Kent is not a great identity. If you had all the powers he had you would try and use it to better the world. Not be a reporter. Speaking of which since he is the on the frontline between information coming in and then reaching the masses, why is he always shocked when shit happens? You're not allowed to be surprised by anything Mr. Superhearing! Clark Kent is so stupid that even Superman hates him.

"NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRDDDDSSSS!!!"

Not Evil Enough. Yeah, I know he landed in Smallville, Kansas and was raised by some nice old people who grew corn. But imagine if he had landed in Gotham City. He would be far more proactive and have the ruthlessness needed to stop crime on Earth. He should have the entire planet afraid to do shit. Lex Luthor assumes that this is gonna happen one day so he’s like “Look. This dude is from another planet and can do things we can only dream of. One day he’s gonna wreck our shit. How about I stop him before that happens? Huh? I’m the bad guy?!” Superman has only lost his shit a couple times and it was when he was almost dead or about to die. I don’t think he has the power inside to truly rid the world of evil. Just stop it long enough to write an article.

Story Behind The Photo 7

Back when I was in junior high I attended this school called Mid-City Alternative. It was a very tiny and strange school on Adams and Arlington. If you live in L.A and know that area you know the school was built on a damned hill. Anyhoot, the school had classes like swimming, gymnastics, African dance (that’s for a whole ‘nother blog…), bowling, and hiking. I had hiking like three times. This is for all the people out there that try and get me to go hiking acting like I’m not a pro at the shit. I’ve probably hiked more than most of the people reading this unless you’re a professional hiker in which case: get a real job.

There were two teachers. My favorite was David. He was this bearded guy that also did photography. This is the main reason why I even have pictures from junior high. In this one I am posing triumphantly in a jacket that my oldest brother gave me. I lived in that jacket. I didn’t care if it was hot I wore it because it ruled ass. I also noticed that my shirt is tucked in which is very uncharacteristic of me. Guess I wasn’t too concerned with my junk being exposed. Or its because I had an awesome belt with a “D” on the front! Yeah, that must be it.

Dante vs. Nature 2

Many of my friends know that me and nature don’t get along. I stay away from it and it stays away from me. Every once in a while it’ll send evidence of its existence to my immediate area and I have to bitchslap it to remind it just who the fuck I am like with that cricket from Hell. I made a list of proof that nature is a careless beast that creates things just to personally fuck with me.

Cassowary. “The cassowaries are ratites, very large flightless birds in the genus Casuarius native to the tropical forests of New Guinea, nearby islands and northeastern Australia. The most common of these, the Southern Cassowary, is the third tallest and second heaviest living bird, smaller only than the ostrich and emu. Cassowaries feed mainly on fruit, although all species are truly omnivorous and will take a range of other plant food including shoots, grass seeds, and fungi in addition to invertebrates and small vertebrates. Cassowaries are very shy, but when disturbed, they are capable of inflicting serious injuries to dogs and people.”

Rosscast Episode 243: 100 Pound Sack

In this episode I talk about a Dude What The Fuck featuring a guy licking wounds, a McDonald’s employee whipping two chicks asses, Kids These Days with a boy beating off in church (Jayzus!!!), a woman having such awesome sex she got amnesia, a guy with 100 pound balls, and a We Going To Hell featuring a one eyed shark. Click here to download this episode and here for past Rosscast episodes. Enjoy!

Toaster Strudels vs. Pop Tarts

There is a battle that has been raging for quite some time. Which is better: Toaster Strudels or Pop Tarts? In this article (look at me trying to sound like a journalist!) I will weigh the pros and cons of each of these treats. I normally would put this on my food blog but this is more babbly than usual.

“Toaster Strudel Breakfast Pastries is a type of frozen pastry introduced in 1985 by Pillsbury. It was developed by a young business man whose father reportedly first had the thought to make a flaky treat whilst eating a cherry filled pop-tart. He was convinced that filling a pastry with fruit, and topping it with warm icing would be irresistible - an Americanized version of the Cuban pastelito.”

Halloween...An Excuse To Dress Slutty

I think I’ve finally figured out why I can never think of what to wear for Halloween. No cool Black characters. Who can I dress as? Luke Cage? Cyborg? Bloodstone? Popo from Dragonball Z? Blade? I bet you all just went “Who, what, when, where, and Wesley Snipes?” Seriously, I always end up dressing as Jason Vorhees or Michael Myers. Anything with a mask. Not complaining really since my entire Doom Mates series is based off of those costumes. If I were a chick this would be totally different. Halloween is the one time of the year my neighborhood is overrun with women wearing less than the men! When looking for pictures for my article on my West Hollywood blog I found some hot ass pictures that prove that Halloween is the time of the year where girls are allowed to dress as slutty as they want.

Story Behind The Photo 6

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Rosscast Episode 242: Blowin'

In this very random episode I cover a Dude What The Fuck where another guy beats off in someone’s yogurt, a guy having a needle broke off in his sack, a Bitches Be Crazy that involves a sword and eggs, Only In Florida with a blow dart, and Listener Questions makes its return. Click here to download this and here to download past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Story Behind The Photo 5

Look at the smooth ass skin! Like a little Halle Berry. But male. This was me at the age of 7. Look at how bright and open my eyes are. I still had hope. I remember this day so vividly because I absolutely had to stay clean! Usually when I went to school I’d race, climb on the monkey bars, and pretty much sweat like a nasty ass little kid. I knew I had to stay nice and clean for photo day. Photo day was the most important day of the year because if I got dirty I knew that would be my ass when my mother saw the photos. So my mission was to keep away from every other child in school until I took a picture.

Story Behind The Photo 4

This is a picture of me at the age of 16 displaying my ability to fly. I wish. Seriously. Do you think that if I could fly I would be sitting here not being able to sleep before heading to work on one of the most popular shows on television? I was new at Fairfax Magnet and when you’re part of the Magnet program you have to take certain art classes. I failed actual art about three times (yes, I draw till this day and have even designed tattoos for people and been published in a newspaper so fuck you, Miss Kim!) and had to take photography. Maybe this class is what made me dislike the career choice of taking pictures. “You just point and press a button. Not really art to me.” I still feel this way about photography 85% of the time. I cant help it. I’m sure some people feel the same way about drawing and writing to which I say: Swallow me.

Rosscast Episode 241: Weekend At Dante's

In this episode I discuss my new tattoo, the strange ass weather, buying a new TV finally, people going to the hospital during a chili eating contest, a Bitches Be Crazy with a girl stealing to buy porn, and two We Going To Hell featuring old people fucking and two guys driving around town with their dead friend in the car. Click here to download this episode and here to download past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

"The Vitruvian Man" Part 3 of 5

“It’s only the masters that matter. Those who create.” Pablo Picasso

You hear it every time someone makes a huge mistake. In every film or book when something terrible has taken place and the fear grips you a single sentence or remorse escapes your lips.

“What have I done?”

None of us have the chance to say it aloud but I know it is what we are all thinking. The guards rush into the room just as Victor frees himself. One guard dives at Victor only to be caught mid-air by the throat. Victor tosses him aside as if he were but a sheet of paper. The sound of his neck snapping on impact causes us all to jump. Timms makes a run for the door and suddenly finds himself on his stomach with Victor on his back.

“Someone stop him!” Ripley shouts. Victor puts his fist through Timms head hard enough to dent the floor. He dies instantly. Jim grabs Dr. Rivers and I and pulls us to the other side of the room.

“This is exactly what I said would happen!” Jim says.

“Does it feel good to be right?” Dr. Rivers asks him.

“No” he replies.

Five more guards enter and dive on top of Victor. The begin to hit him with batons that contain electrical charges. Victor stands and the guards fly off of him like children atop a giant. He takes on of the batons and looks at it as if he has never seen such a thing. Actually, he has not. He pokes at his hand with it and seems confused. He then pokes one of the guards with it who begins to scream. You can almost smell the pieces of the puzzle being put together in his mind. He is understanding pain.

One of the guards grabs Victor from behind. Victor begins to leave the room while dragging the guard. A moment later a head is tossed into the room. Dr. K’Malan crosses himself as sirens begin to blare throughout the building. Dr. Pruet walks over to the head and bends down, only inches from it.

“He’s dead” she says.

“You think?!” Ripley shouts. “Are there anymore guards?!” A voice booms over speakers that can not be seen.

“Do not panic. There is no need to panic. Exit in an orderly manner. Do not use the elevators. Use the stairs conveniently located on the south east corridors. Again, there is no need to panic. Thank you.”

“Fucking hell” Jim says. “Where are The Big Heads now? They’re the ones that caused this shit! They torture someone and do nothing when he loses his mind and attacks us!”

We all rush to the door just as the computer told us. Like good little lambs to the slaughter. We get there and the door will not open. We all pound on it. Nothing happens.

“Do not panic.”

“Shut up!’ Dr. Rivers shouts.

We try to pry the door open to no avail. Just then we hear a scream and turn just in time to see Victor holding a torso in one hand and an arm in the other. They do not belong to the same person.

“Do not panic.”

“Victor, there is no need for this bloodshed” I say. “You do not have to turn into a monster.”

“Monster” Victor says. “’An imaginary creature usually having various human and animal parts. Giant: someone or something that is abnormally large and powerful. Freak: a person or animal that is markedly unusual or deformed. A cruel wicked and inhuman person.’” He drops the body parts and ponders for a moment. “I am not imaginary. I am strong though. Not abnormal in any sense. Cruel. Am I cruel? ‘Disposed to inflict pain or suffering.’ No, not cruel. I am just…am.”

“No, Victor” Dr. Rivers says. “You were meant for so much more than this.”

“Was I?” he asks. “I was just alive. You all brought me pain. It took a moment for me to figure out what pain was. ‘Suffering or distress.’ Yes. I was suffering. I was in distress. I had no need to feel these things. You made me. I was what you would call content. I was what I was. I was am.” He stops for a moment and looks at the blood on his hands. “Blood. Do I contain this?”

“Yes” I tell him and take a step forward. Jim grabs my arm and I pull free. “Victor, please just calm down and…”

“I am calm” he says. “’Not excited or agitated; composed.’ I am these things. What is a Victor?”

“Your name” I say.

“What does it mean?” he asks.

“Champion” Jim says.

“Champion of…?” Victor asks.

“Nothing” Ripley says. “Now just stay right there and let the guards lead you away. Everything will be fine.”

“Your heart is racing” Victor says to Ripley. “Why?”

“Because he’s afraid of you” Dr. K’Malan says.

“Why?” he asks.

“You’re covered in blood!” Jim screams. “My, God! Look at you! You shouldn’t even exist! You were created in a lab!”

“Explain” Victor says.

“I’d really rather not” Jim says. “Look. You were not born like the rest of us.”

“Explain…”

"The Vitruvian Man" Part 2 of 5

“What really interests me is whether or not God had any choice in the creation of the world.” - Albert Einstein

“Close to one billion dollars have been spent creating this creature. I refuse to wait another day while the two of you attempt to get it to speak. He has enjoyed a charmed life thus far. No more. Pain. It has never experienced pain. Let us see if he will speak with 2000 volts of electricity coursing through his body. Now get started. Now.”

And that was the end of it. The Big Heads have decided that Victor must be tortured in an attempt to make him speak. Dr. Rivers and I leave and do not say a word until we are back in my office. Dr. Rivers sits again on the edge of my desk and stares at my wall which is covered in plaques. Jim enters the room without knocking.

“So?” he asks.

“We torture the worlds first perfect man” Dr. Rivers says.

“Oh, bullshit!” Jim shouts. “Why in the hell do they want to torture the guy? He hasn’t done anything!”

“That is the problem” I say. “If he would have at least yawned this would not be happening. They want us to electrocute him.”

“This is gonna end bad” Jim says. “Have they never seen a horror movie? You make a creature and mess with him and you know what happens next? He fucking loses his mind and kills everyone! Its Frankenstein! I’m not doing this!”

“Yes, you are” Dr. Rivers says. “You do not have a choice. Do I even need to remind you of what happened to Tammy?”

“Jesus…” I moan.

Tammy aka Dr. Tamara Rhodes aka She Who Shall Not Be Mentioned was a researcher early in the program. She was a team player. All for making the perfect human. But the day she heard his first heartbeat she decided that we were wrong and should not play God. No one knows what happened to her. There was no explanation given from The Big Heads. No one bothered to ask. There are rumors that she is in a petri dish on Level 6. Some say she was dissected and will be used as the prototype for the next experiment. I would rather not think about Tammy.

The next day the three of us are seated across from Victor. For the past two hours we have done everything possible to make him respond to us. Jim even tried to convince Dr. Rivers to flash him. For a moment I believed that she would. Anything to keep us from having to torture this man. There is a beep and the door slides open. Ripley and Timms enter.

“Is he ready?” Ripley asks.

“To have his fucking brain fried?” Jim asks. “Sure. You bet he is! Look at how excited he is! Hey, V-Man! You ready to feel terrible for the first time in your life?!” Victor just stares at him and then at Ripley.

“Creepy son of a bitch” Timms says. “Get him in these” he says and tosses a pair of black pants and a white shirt. “Guys upstairs say this will keep him from, you know, bursting into flames or whatever.”

“’Or whatever’” Dr. Rivers says. “How very professional of you.”

“Have you gained weight?” Timms asks Dr. Rivers.

“Yes, I have” she replies. “I am carrying around the extra money I make. Twice as much as you the last time I checked.”

“Enough” Ripley says. “Let’s get this over with.”

Half an hour later we are in a room with eight chairs but only one looks like it was made to hurt. All of us are here to see this, even Jim. Seated in the front are Dr. Rivers, Ripley, me, and Dr. Pruet. In the second row is Jim, Timms, and Dr. K’Malan. Victor is brought in by security that never speak, never run, and never show their faces. I wonder how much they even know about this program. For all they know we are a bunch of fetish afficianados about to watch a one man show. Victor does not resist.

They place him in the chair and place thick straps around his ankles, wrists, torso, around his waist, and neck. He does not resist. A slight hum is heard and a large spike emerges behind Victor’s head. The guards leave quietly. I can feel Dr. Rivers tense next to me.

“Je ne te quitterai point que je ne t'aie vu pendu” Dr. K’Malan says. “I pray we are doing the right thing.”

“What he say?” Ripley asks.

“’I will not leave you until I have seen you hanged’” Dr. Rivers says. “From Jean Baptiste Poquelin Moliere.” She turns to face Dr. K’Malan. “As far as praying goes, I think that prayer and God cease to exist once we put on our lab coats.”

“Oh, get over yourself” Timms says. “God never made a perfect man. We did. I mean, maybe he did. But you see how that ended.”

“Apparently being perfect gets you nailed to a cross” Jim says. “Or Kentucky fried.”

Another low hum quiets everyone. The large spike crackles with electricity before stabbing Victor in the back of his neck. He does not scream. But a new expression crosses his face. One we have not seen in him before.

Confusion.

The spike emerges lightly dripping spinal fluid and blood. Victor looks at us as if to ask, “Why are you not helping me?” The spike enters once again. This time Victor gasps. Dr. Rivers grabs my hand for a moment before releasing it. The spike emerges and once again stabs at Victor. He opens his mouth wide in a silent scream.

“Say something, you fool” I whisper to myself. Blood runs down his shoulders, staining his blonde hair. His crystal blur eyes search the room for something he can not ask for. Help. “How much longer must this go on?” I ask.

“Until he says something” Timms says.

“He is in too much pain to speak now” Dr. Pruet says. She is the newest member of the research team and also the youngest. When she speaks it is low, direct, and definite. There is never a trace of emotion in her voice or reactions. I turn to see her simply watching Victor being tortured as if she were watching an ant crawling amongst spilled sugar. “He’ll be dead in minutes unless he says something.”

The spike enters once again, this time a stream of blood springs from Victor’s neck, causing Jim to gasp. I watch him attempt to rise from his chair and then the sound of his rear end being slammed back in place. No doubt by Timms. Victor’s hands clenched as the spike penetrates his skin sending thousands of volts of electricity into his body.

“Is this what it was like for God to watch His son die?” Dr. Rivers asks.

“No” I respond. “God knew what would happen to his child the moment He was created. None of us could have foreseen this.” Victor gasps once again, this time blood issuing from his mouth. “That is enough!” I shout.

Victor’s hands relax as the spike is drawn from his neck. Blood trickles from the corners of his mouth. His entire body goes limp. The room is silent. None of us stand. None of us check to see whether or not Victor is still alive.

“Back to the drawing board” Timms says as he stands to leave. He stops when a sound comes from Victor. He is alive!

“D…d…d…d…d…” he says lightly. We all stand and listen to him. “D…”

“What is he saying?” Jim asks.

“D…d…d…d…”

“Something about ‘D’” Ripley whispers. “I can’t tell.”

“D…d…d…”

“Where in the hell are those guards?” Dr. Rivers asks.

“D…d…”

“Or at least the medics” Jim says. “Okay, guys! You got what you wanted! He’s speaking! Now get him some damned help!”

“D…”

“Say it!” I shout.

“Death.”

Story Behind The Photo 3

Meet my lovely lady. Back in 97’ or 98’ when I was still thin, couldn’t really grow good facial hair, and was in a magically delicious relationship, I went to Halloween Haunt at Universal Studios for Halloween. I didn’t go on Halloween but around the time. I went with my ex and a few other friends and had a great time. This evening proved that if I think that I’m in danger “Women and children first!” goes right out the goddamn window! If you were in between me and an exit when I’m being chased you’re nothing but an object keeping me from safety.

When we got there they immediately start chasing your ass. Yeah, I got on some rides and stuff but I’ll be damned if I didn’t spend the entire night running from monsters, killer clowns, and dudes chasing you with chainsaws. Big, loud ass chainsaws. My friends and I ended up in a maze and as soon as it started I took the fuck off! I was using my friends purses as a way to pull them behind me so I could pass them. I ended up running full speed into a wall, bounced off, and kept going. If that wall was any thinner I would have plowed right through that shit.

Justice League Dark, Voodoo, Savage Hawkman Issue 1

Mr. Soot tied an issue of Batman to a string and pulled it down the hallway leading out of my cell. Like an idiot of course I chased it down. Next thing I know a net falls on my head and he’s laughing his ass off. “This is getting too easy…” he said as he threw another pile of DC 52’s at me to review.

Justice League Dark

If you take anything away from this issue its that Shade The Changing Man is one of the coolest characters that you may never of heard of! The story starts off with this young girl wandering around not knowing where she is and mumbling to herself. She walks into a place and she looks on the TV and there is a freeway full of “hers” being hit by cars and dying. Superman, Wonder Woman, and Cyborg head to a place where magic is happening and get wrecked by teeth. Flying teeth. Batman decides that he and Zatanna should help out and she binds him with parts of the Batcave.

Shade makes an appearance and if you don’t know his history (which many don’t) the scene he has with his girlfriend is damn near heartbreaking. In London Constantine is being messed with magically. Madam Xanadu is seeing a future where everyone is lying in a pile of dead bodies. Aah! Aah! Aah!

This was a very cool issue and I would love to see where it goes. Bringing these characters, Deadman will make an appearance, together is a very great idea. Justice League Dark had great art and a cool story. Did I mention they brought Shade The Changing Man?! You all have no idea how much I like this guy. Do some research on him.

Voodoo

I know the character Voodoo aka Priscilla Kitaen from old Image Comics WildCATS which is known for having one of the worst cartoon theme songs ever written. Seriously. Look it up. Your eyes and ears will poop. I remember this splash page from the 90’s of her and it was one of the hottest drawings ever. What did Voodoo do? I have no clue. She was just some hot mixed chick that barely wore anything. Except on the friggin’ cartoon where they put her in a bodysuit! Okay. I need to settle down.

Voodoo is stripping at a club and the first image we get of her is on all fours as guys are “making it rain” around her. Look it up. Two undercover agents are watching her, the guy more than the other, and requests a private dance from her. His partner goes outside and whips some guys asses for trying to teach her some respect. The agent that is getting the lap dance (no sex in the champagne room) and lets Voodoo know that he knows that she may be an alien and that if she doesn’t turn herself in she will be dissected. She then turns into a monster and rips him open. Moments later she quits her job and the guy walks out okay.

I guess this is cool if you wanna look at a hot drawing and don’t know that Jessica Rabbit exists. It wasn’t bad or anything but there was nothing that made me want to pick this up ever again and feel like I really missed out on anything. It didn’t even feel like it was part of the DC Universe.

Savage Hawkman

I know nothing about Hawkman except his costume reminds me of something from an old Hanna Barbara cartoon. This issue starts with him burning his costume in a forest. It explodes and he wakes up back home and burned. A team finds some alien wreckage and brings it for examination. Bored yet? He heads to check out the ship and suddenly an alien inside of it comes to life and starts wreaking havoc. Hawkman all of a sudden transforms as if his costume is now in his body instead of him putting it on. I love how the costume is like “Eff you for trying to destroy me!” He fights the main alien and it absorbs his Nth metal armor.

Not a very good issue. The art was fine but the story was super rushed and felt like an action film where a lot happened but made me feel as if I had no emotional investment in it. Who cares about hawk man after reading this? Its like they did it to please people who thought his costume was silly and decided to make it appear rather than put it on.

Dark Knight, Flash, Firestorm, Green Lantern New Guardians Issue 1

There are two things me and Mr. Soot agree on. That last issue is Superman was terrible and honey badgers don’t give a shit. After a spirited discussion at the wonder we have with DC’s decision to let certain comics not only get made, but get made so terribly. Its now time to write about some comics. Lets hope they’re better than the last batch!

Batman The Dark Knight

This issue went back and forth in terms of what was good and what was bad about it. I liked the fact that they are making Bruce Wayne an interesting character. He is still trying to make Gotham City a better place. A police officer confronts him and accuses him of funding Batman, which if you think about it for a moment makes perfect sense and I’m glad they’re going in this direction. We even get to see Batman get his flirt on!

There is a riot at Arkham Asylum and I kinda had trouble figuring out who was who. The cops are getting their asses handed to them and Batman shows up to help. He starts head butting and kicking people in the face and they cant figure out why more than 300 of the most dangerous criminals got free all at once. This is okay. The issue jumps the shark when Batman finds Two-Face and he is the size of The Incredible Hulk and he screams that his name is now One-Face. Uh…yeah.

I like Batman and all but this issue was just too all over the place. If they had focused on just Bruce Wayne and the investigation into his life and funding Batman that would’ve been cool. Taking a character that and turning him into a monster (which I hate as much as fire monsters but not as much as smoke monsters).

The Flash

Never been a huge fan of Flash comics. The power to run fast never really appealed to me. I did begin to like him in the cartoons but never enough to call myself a fan. This issue may have changed that. While Barry Allen aka The Flash is at a party for science folk and some guys rob the place. Barry transforms into The Flash and whips their asses while being funny at the same time (take notes Kid Flash). One of the criminals ends up getting killed is someone Barry knew when he was younger. Oh, and The Flash gets accused of murder. This was a fun and interesting issue, especially the way it ends. I’m intrigued enough to check out the next issue. Truly shocking.

The Fury of Firestorm

I know who Firestorm is…vaguely. This issue starts with a family being tortured and murdered. So not a kid book? A star high school football player Ronnie is interviewed by Jason and Ronnie gets accused of being racist. He later asks his mother why he has no Black friends while Jason feels bad for even bringing race up. That killer team shows up at the school looking for the Firestorm formula which Jason admits to having and takes turning into Firestorm and blowing a lot of the school up in the process. Ronnie also turns into a Firestorm and they start fighting which is rather silly. It ends with them combining into some big ass fire guy named Fury. I hate characters combining almost as much as I hate fire creatures and…you know the rest. Cool art but the story was very meh.

Green Lantern New Guardians

Kyle Rayner is probably my least favorite Green Lantern but that may change if this series keeps the pace its at from this first issue. A Guardian creates a new ring and sends it to Earth to find a bearer. Kyle is at a bar sketching the waitress so he can leave it as a tip since he is broke. He heads outside to use the bathroom and the Guardian gives him the ring and they start flying away. With his artistic abilities he makes a great natural Lantern. All over the universe Lanterns of every color are being stripped of their rings and dying.

Later after Kyle saves a construction worker and a kid makes fun of his outfit, all the rings that left their owners start floating at him and announcing his name out loud (which is a very funny moment) and wanting him to wear it. The surviving former ring bearers arrive and want to attack Kyle for “stealing” their rings. This was a cool issue and I would definitely check out the next one.

Superman, Teen Titans, All Star Western, Black Hawks Issue 1

I refuse to go back to sleep ever again. Mr. Soot thought it would be funny to place another issue of DC’s 52 on my face while I slept. There are a lot this week and some of them make me question the people in charge of decision making. Some of these characters just don’t deserve their own comics. Seriously. Were you clamoring for a Black Hawks comic? Yeah. That’s what I thought. I’m getting ahead of myself.

Superman

Everyone knows who Superman is. He is the single most popular character ever created in comics and known around the world. He is literally the biggest super character in history. So I have to ask myself: Why did he get the crappiest issue one? I mean…wow. This is a real stinker. I cant imagine he is hard to write. He flies, shoots heat out his eyes, ice breath, super strong, and bad at disguise. Simple. So why the long boring ass introduction?

We get Superman sulking (a new power apparently) because The Daily Planet is demolished and a new one is built. They are also getting rid of the paper and going to TV and internet. He ends up fighting a fire creature. I hate fire creatures almost as much as I hate smoke monsters. He beats it after sending it into space. Later Clark Kent goes by Lois Lane’s place and she is sleeping with some other reporter. The issue ends with more sulking.

This issue was the one splashed across the TV, internet, and papers. So why did they make it the most boring ass one? I love reading but Jesus, this starts as being way too wordy. I don’t care about the history of The Daily Planet whatsoever. I almost stopped reading this one. It was just dull.

Teen Titans

Does DC have a problem writing teams that don’t have the word “Justice” or “Suicide” in the front? There are a lot of teen Metahumans floating around and jacking stuff up. This issue features Kid Flash botching a burning building rescue. He isn’t likable like he is on the cartoon of the same name. Red Robin has his home invaded and gets away by flying. When the hell did he get wings?! Wonder Girl gets rescued by Red Robin after stealing a car and taking down a helicopter.

The issue ends with a tie in to the awesome Superboy comic. Damn it! The story was way rushed and the art was strange. The teens looked like weird ass adults. For being so mart they have Red Robin (I hate that name) act more like Jason Todd in his recklessness. Wonder Girl, who hates that name, doesn't tell him what to call her instead. Kid Flash is a dick.

All Star Western

Jonah Hex. Know him? I don’t either. He’s a cowboy with a scar. I know he had a movie I couldn’t watch for more than ten minutes. If this comic was a film I would have left the theater. In old Gotham hookers are being killed. Hex and a dweeb go around trying to find information about the killer. What I mean by find information is Hex goes around beating people up and being an unlikable character. A hooker that gives him information dies and he sees that all the powerful men in Gotham have the same ring as the alleged killer. I just didn’t care for this issue. This didn’t sell me on Jonah Hex or make me care to figure out how it ends.

Black Hawks

Bombs. Fighting. Biting. Secret agents. Cell phone cameras. Chick gets infected. There. That’s the entire issue. A bunch of characters that would be background victims get their own comic for some reason. DC, you cant have a cell phone picture ruin something that’s supposed to be super secret in two of your debuts (as they did in Red Hood’s comic). This comic didn’t need to be written or drawn. Its just nonsense. DC cant afford to put crap like this out.

Story Behind The Photo 2

Back when I was around 13 and getting ready to get fat again my parents decided that it would be a good idea to move to 78th Street mere minutes away from where the L.A Riots began. At least it was after they happened. During this time I had my first in person girlfriend. My first two were over the phone. Don’t ask. Anyhoot, my girlfriend had a working Nintendo and let me borrow it since she had it in storage and never played it. That smile on my face is real and I have no idea who took this picture.

I would sit in that ugly brown chair (which would jackknife my father every week when he leaned back too far) and play video games and make lanyards for hours. On top of that TV is one of many two foot long lanyards I would make. How I don’t have arthritis I will never know.