Sorry, But Your Kid Is Ugly

I’m sorry to break it to you this way, but your daughter isn’t cute. I mean, she’s your child and you think that she is wonderful and beautiful and all that good stuff. But in the eyes of advertisers she’s a complete ugmo. A total Monet. I’m not saying your kid is ugly. Oh, no. But from what I see on television I am led to believe that the only kids that need to be on the screen have light skin and curly hair.

Dante's Fuckit List Entry 6

I don’t consider myself a quitter. I like to believe that I tend to slowly give up. Which is different than quitting. Quitting, like, if I were playing a sport would be “Fuck you guys! I’m not playing anymore!” Slowly giving up is “I’m gonna start playing shittier and shittier until I’m kicked out…”

When it comes to women I am notorious for my laziness, lack of game, and slowly giving up. If you cant read my mind and know I’m into you you’ll never find out until I blurt it a few years later. When it comes to specific types of women I am even worse. Allow me to explain.

Marvel One Shot Review

I found out late about these Marvel One Shots featuring Agent Phil Coulson from the live action Marvel films Iron Man 1, Hulk, Iron Man 2, and Thor. You may know him as the guy who is always around but you never get to know much about him. These two short…very short films show that he’s not just some guy that cleans up messes. He’s an asskicker as well.

The first story features Agent Coulson and Agent Sitwell sitting in a small diner discussing how to handle having The Abomination (from the Hulk film played by Tim Roth) released so that he may join the Avenger Initiative. They decide to use “The Consultant” to convince general Thaddeus “Thunderbolt” Ross to release him. Turns out that Tony Stark is “The Consultant” and he ends up pissing off Ross, keeping The Abomination locked up and not able to join the team.

That scene fills in the blank from the end of the Hulk film where General Ross is getting drunk in a bar after being defeated by Hulk. It was a cool way to wrap things up. The next story A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Thor’s Hammer is a story of Agent Coulson filling up his gas at a station. He goes inside and the place gets held up.

He voluntarily gives up and lets the robbers know that he is armed. As he slides his gun over he throws flour in one of their faces, flies through the air kicking the shotgun down, and knocking both guys out before paying for his snacks and leaving.

I wish Marvel would do more things like this because in less than ten minutes they were able to prove that a random guy that pops up in their films has far more depth than I previously imagined. Next they can do a short film showing what happened to Macy Gray as she was performing during the first Spiderman film!

Dante Saves You: Insane 80's Bullies Edition

From space aliens, robots, and crazy White women, I have tried to get you ready to whip their asses. This time I’m gonna try and teach you how to fight something far scarier than any of those: Insane 80’s Bullies! My god. Back in the 80’s these guys were feared because they usually ran in packs and were run by the super asshole.

Now beware: some of these guys have weapons and I’ll try to teach you how to either disarm them or cry loud enough for the proper authorities to help you. Come on! I cant be there to save your monkey ass every time you run across a violent Aryan!

Walking Dead Gets It Right...Finally

As a nerd I know that I am hard to please when it comes to certain things. These things are very particular and surely maddening for people who don’t understand them. Explaining to a teacher in high school why The Diamond Cutter is the best and most effective move in wrestling ever fell on deaf ears. Describing in vivid detail why Batman who has no superpowers can defeat Superman who has every superpower is ignored. And why I refused to watch one of the highest rated shows, Walking Dead, because one character wasn’t featured.

I liked the comic book Walking Dead. It didn’t knock my draws off or anything but I liked it. The writing was very inconsistent at times and there were times when it would take a while for the next issue and when it did come out it was very picture heavy with no words. But I forgave it. That is until I saw that there was no real ending. It’s the same feeling I got when I watched certain TV shows.

The Lake, Lost, Lie To Me, The Event, Heroes, and No Ordinary Family to name a few. You just get the feeling that the show is being made up as it goes along with the writers having no clear idea of where the hell the show is actually going. So yeah. I gave up on reading Walking Dead.

I ended up getting a few more issues from an old co-worker that got me back into it with the introduction of a character named Michonne. She is a sword wielding Black chick that shows up with two zombies on chains. Their arms and jaws have been removed and she just arrives with them like this is perfectly normal.

Now I am forced to go back and watch the previous two seasons of the series just to lead up to something I know happens because of hot ass wrestler Persephone Vice. She alerted me to the fact that Michonne arrived since she heard me bitch and moan about the fact that the show lacked a crazy Black woman swinging swords.

I cant wait to wait to watch a new show every week. The last ones I had on a regular basis were 24, Smallville, Lie To Me, Heroes, Luther, and Being Human. Here’s me hoping that Walking Dead joins this short ass list.

Dante's Fuckit List Entry 5

There are things that people want to do when they go on vacations. They want to jump off cliffs, get their hair braided in ways that make islanders laugh at them, and shit they would never consider when they are at home. Not me though. I never take vacations unless I am forced to and this is something that I wouldn’t do no matter what.

Future Fail: How Come I Ain't Got A Laser Gun?!

It’s 2012. I know. It really is shocking. Especially considering the fact that as I look around my apartment I don’t see a single goddamn laser gun laying around. Anywhere. If the 5 year old version of myself knew this he would cry his ass off knowing that I currently live in a world where laser guns aren’t the number one form of protection against robots.

How did this happen? For years we’ve had films where it was like “Hey. it’s the future and someone is attacking us. Likely robots. Let’s get our laser guns and fight them since they wipe their asses with bullets.”

Rosscast Episode 252: Too Many Bad Parents

In this episode I talk about Jason Russell losing his mind, Only In Florida featuring a maniac ass parent, and two bad Parent Of The Week starring a sucker punching father and a woman having an 11 year old designated driver. Click here to download this episode and here for past Rosscast shows.

Dante's Fuckit List Entry 4

This is entry number four in my Fuckit Lists. If you want to see the previous three just click here. This one is about something that many men and women have dreamed of. Not me for multiple reasons. There are websites dedicated to it and some people go out just to hopefully get a chance to experience it. Not me though.

Dante's Fuckit List Entry 3

Welcome to the third of my Fuckit List blogs. There’s something that I used to dream of having when I was growing up. No, not pubes, a hot girlfriend, and rocking facial hair. But as the years continue to tick on by I have started to realize that I don’t need it as much as I believed that I did. If you want to check out my first couple Fuckit List entries click here and here.

Dante Saves You: Cartoon Villain Edition

I’ve saved you or at least tried to teach you how to survive all kinds of crazy ass things in this world. But The Munky made me realize that I left you all defenseless against some of the craziest beings to ever be created: Cartoon Villains.

Yeah, I know it seems silly to be afraid of cartoons, but back in the day these and comic books were attacked by the government for the effect they had on the youth of the world. So I will try to show you how to beat a few of many of the insane villains from my youth!

Folks Still Read: Gil's All Fright Diner Book Review

Cam let me borrow this book called Gil’s All Fright Diner last week. Its by writer A Lee Martinez who hales from Texas which is where the story takes place. it’s the tale of a werewolf and vampire who must stop the end of the world. I remember seeing this cover a while back but never bothered to pick it up. Because I’m an ass.

The vampire, Earl, is a skinny and balding vampire with a comb over. His surly werewolf friend Duke is gigantic. They pull into a town called Rockwood and end up at a diner that is almost immediately attacked by zombies. They help the owner, Loretta, fight them off and are surprised at how not terrified she is at the fact that the undead are attacking and that a werewolf and vampire helped her. Apparently weird things have been happening in Rockwood for years.

They tell her that they’ll stay a while and help her install a gas line to the diner while they also investigate why zombies are attacking. Marshall Kopp, the towns officer, wants Loretta to close the place down on account of the zombies but she refuses to. Duke and Earl stay in a spare room where Earl sleeps in a trunk.

According to the story all vampire rules apply except for a stake through the heart which doesn’t kill him but freezes him in place. He feeds mostly from animals and has preferences. Duke can change into a giant wolf-beast at will and heals quickly. He became a werewolf after running over another one and inheriting the curse. He strong and tough which helps him fend off Loretta’s advances.

A young girl named Tammy who prefers to be called Mistress Lillith is attempting to bring about the end of the world by raising Old Gods. Her minion is a dumb jock named Chad who pretty much will do whatever she asks, including stealing body parts, as long as he can fondle or sleep with her.

Other characters include Cathy who is a ghost that Earl has to speak to which he hates since ghosts scare him. Napoleon, Cathy’s ghost dog. And then there’s Gil himself. This story is crazy as hell and I’m not sure if this is a young adult novel. I have read some pretty crazy ass stories that were in the 12-18 age range and they have lots of sex, violence, and gore. This one is no exception. I have talked to people with children and my librarian BFF and it seems to boil down to maturity. In which case I probably shouldn’t have been allowed to read this.

The story feels as if you’re jumping into the middle of other stories since the characters are already set up in their relationships. There is some backstory provided but you know there is so much more that can be explored. I checked to see if there were indeed more books with these characters and sadly there isn’t. I mean, any story that can have zombie cows, magic 8 balls that cops an attitude, and evil zombies that pat each other on the back for their growling skills is surely worthy of a sequel.

Dante's Fuckit List Entry 2

This is the second entry in my Fuckit List. If you want to see the first one just click here and learn to dislike me for a whole new set of reasons. The next entry is something that everyone promises to do around the start of the year or after a doctor tells them that though they are 25 they have the body of a 60 year old.

Stop The Trendy Top

“Put a stop to that muffin top! No more peek a boo panties! Look sleek and lean!”

And so begins another case of society trying to take the small things in life that I love away from me. I was watching my digital TV and enjoying finding new channels like Bounce (which is a Black channel made for me because I’m Black!). I’m having fun and watching Superfly and realizing that the film is “torrible” (terrible and horrible) when a commercial comes on that breaks my heart.

Dante's Fuckit List Entry 1

"List all the things you do not need to do before you die."

And this is how it all begin. Comedian Michal Ian Black a few years ago started on Twitter what is called a Fuckit List. Its pretty much the opposite of a Bucket List which is a list of all the things you want to do before you die. The Fuckit List consists of the things that you don’t want to or have no desire to do before you die.

When a friend told me about this earlier this week I couldn’t stop laughing. Most of my life is a Fuckit List of explanations of why I don’t want to do the things that people keep telling me that I have to do no matter how many times I tell them I don’t want to. So here’s the first of what will likely be over a dozen entries since I tend to bitch a lot about the thing I don’t want to do.

Superman: Doomsday Movie Review

After watching Superman: Doomsday I have come to realize that the people who live in Metropolis are dumbasses. Whenever there is trouble they all rush outside and stare at what’s happening. If I live there I have a bunker far underground. But even that’s not safe because battles go every damned where. I decided to watch this after my constant Superman bashing that goes on during my blogs on this site. So let’s see how that little experiment went.

"Let me holla at'cha, bitch! Holla holla holla!"

The movie starts with Lois Lane nagging Superman about the fact that she doesn’t know his secret identity. That don’t stop her from banging him for half a year though! Could you imagine what your friends would say about you?! “Hey, Vicky Vale? I hear you and Batman are together…” “Yeah. But he gives me his Batwang with the cape on.” he tells her that she will get hurt if she knew but she’s a woman so she’s just like “You have commitment issues!” So he hurls her into space and gives her the Degeneration X crotch chop!

"Whatchu lookin' at?"

That doesn’t happen. Meanwhile on the other side of the globe Lex Luthor is digging and his people find a thing from space. They accidentally crack it open and Doomsday busts out and is like “I’m gonna kill anything that has a shadow!” And he does! He kills everyone there. He even kills a doe. A deer. A female deer! Why? Because it looked at him!

Everyone watching the deserves to have died.

Doomsday makes his way to Metropolis and him and Superman get into a hell of a battle. Just lots of punches and hair pulling. Let me say something for a second. DC pulled this shit in Batman: The Animated Series with Batman when he fought Bane and just snatched the chord with the venom drug out of Bane’s neck after turning it to overdrive. In this movie Superman drives Doomsday into the ground from space. Why not keep going? Why bring him back down into your city?! Its still better than punching each other to death.

Just because you sleep with Superman that doesn't mean you are invincible.

So Superman dies and everyone is sad and all I’m thinking is “Where the hell is The Justice League?” Jimmy quits The Daily Planet. Perry White starts drinking. Lois is all depressed so she drives to Smallville and pretty much lets Clark Kent’s mom because she realizes that Clark hasn’t called and Superman is dead. Took someone dying to know that the dude looks exactly the same but wears glasses!

Merry Christmas!

Next thing you know…boom! Superman is back and fucking people up. He is strange around Lois though. He captures Toyman who looks like a complete pedophile. I thought he looked like an actual toy but I guess they went with a different look. It turns out that this new Superman is a clone by Luthor. He has Superman in his back pocket. Dun-dun-dun!

Swear I saw him on "To Catch A Predator."

Superman’s robot stole his corpse because he was actually not dead. He helps him get better at the Fortress Of Solitude. Lex had stolen the body originally which is kinda creepy when you think about it. Actually its fucking creepy! Seriously, Lex? Seriously?! Corpse stealing?! So while fake Superman is flying around he hears that Toyman killed a child and he’s like “Its time to turn it to 11!” So he kills him.

Superman don't share his cereal with nobody!

Dead serious. He flies him into the sky and drops him on top of a cop car in front of the police station. Then he scares an old lady half to death because her cat got loose and he had to save it. Then the cops try to arrest him and he burns their guns and walks off to a salon. He finds the little lead coated Kryptonite ball in his brain and digs it out causing a salon employee to faint.

Edward James Olmos as Superman.

Bad Superman finds Lex and his lab full of clones while Lois and Jimmy are investigating it and captures Luthor in his red sun room with Kryptonite gloves (does this stuff grow on trees?!) and damn near kills him. The real Superman gets a Kryptonite gun from his robot friend and heads to Metropolis.

Hey, look! More punching!

The two Superman fight it out with the real Superman at only 67% but he’s got a gun so fuck full strength. He wins of course and Lex isn’t dead. Just busted up. He needs to be in jail. This movie was good until Superman died. I didn’t know it was gonna be full of just watching the city get destroyed and people just stand around not dodging certain death. Lois dumbass even almost gets killed on her first assignment out since Supes death! There’s no need to really see this. Its like five years old anyway.

John Carter Movie Review

My name is Dante and I wasn’t expecting much when I decided to see John Carter. My reaction when I first saw the trailer was “What’s this broke ass Lord of The Rings?” This should teach me (for the hundredth time) to not decide to see something based on the trailer because I have missed out on some cool shit doing that nonsense.

If Martian women look like this I can declare all women of Earth safe from me.

I have not read a single one of the books this film was based off of. I don’t say that would pride, I’m just letting you all know that so when things aren’t like they are in the book I don’t know nor do I care. It’s a movie for nerds and if there’s one thing nerds are known for its being insatiable. Especially in bed. Gods, it’s a curse! One that I am doomed to live with for the rest of my short life.

"Jay-zus!!!"

John Carter is a dick. No other way to put it. The movie starts with him being captured and forced to fight in the war. He’s like “Nope.” Its funny because he gets knocked out for fighting back. Then he gets handcuffed and dives out the window. Then he breaks out of jail before being attacked by Indians and he escapes to a cave where a weird dude in a robe attacks him. He ends up transported to another place.

Want.

He wakes up and begins to notice that he’s not able to walk or run. He fucking leaps! My god how he leaps! Some weirdo alien things spot him and start chasing him until one of them convinces them to stop. Then he is captured and brought back to stay with them.

They shave different on Mars. 

They treat him like a pet and keep referring to him as “Virginia” because when he introduced himself he told them that he was “John Carter from Virginia.” It isn’t until he drinks this weird liquid that he begins to understand their language. Okay. Enough of this nonsense.

"Yep. That's definitely Snooki."

This s a damned good movie. Alright?! Not just because I expected it to suck, but because I cared about every character in this movie including the strange dog thing that looked like a giant pit-bull with a cat father with no hair. I wanted to own it! The effects are pretty damned good. The action is great. The main chick is all hot. And of course Mark Strong is in it.

He makes everything better. Except Green Lantern. He's not Jesus, people. 

This movie has aliens, spaceships, legends, great acting, great CGI, great story, and an awesome ending. This movie is what Scorpion King, Clash of The Titans, and Pathfinder were supposed to be. A big, epic ass movie that when its over you want to see again and watch the sequels. One reviewer compared it to Star Wars and I scoffed. I scoffed so hard my sunflower seed smacked the front of my teeth. And it hurt.

This is what I see when I close my eyes. 

Some people review movies and give good things bad reviews because bad gets attention. This movie is like Captain America or The Artist in that it made me happy while watching it. If you were on the fence about seeing this movie give it a try. See it early if you don’t wanna pay full price. Or watch it on DVD with your big ass TV since everyone’s is bigger than mine. The TV. Not…yeah.

DC Doesn't Trust Its Fans

Arguably the two most important most important comic book moments to happen during my life have been Batman getting his back broken by Bane and Superman being killed by Doomsday. I found out about each of these occurrences through, of all people, my father.

“You know Superman died?”

"I pick things up and put them down!"

I was like “No, he didn’t.” Walked into my parents bedroom and sure enough there was a news story talking about the fact that Superman was indeed dead. It was weird. I wasn’t a huge fan of the character himself but he’d always been around.

Fast forward a few more years or so.

“You hear Batman got his back broken?”

Okay, goddamn it. Enough is enough. There was no way my no comic book reading ass father was gonna get the scoop on me agai--yep. Batman got his back broken. I was pissed because not only is Batman the best comic book character ever created but he got crippled by a set up move in wrestling.

"It wasn't the comic you needed. It was the comic you deserved."

Now when Superman died it was weird. I had recently really started to collect comic books and begged my oldest brother, Kevin, to get it for me. He worked at the mall and there was a comic book shop there at the time. So I deserved it. He told me he’d get it if I ironed his clothes free for the week. And I did. He brought me a comic book with the entire Justice League carrying a coffin. I open and read.

Don't worry, Lois. He's just sleeping. 

“What the fuck is this?!” I thought because I was years away from cursing out loud. It was Funeral For A Friend, not The Death Of Superman. I was pissed and my brother told me I’d have to wait. So I did and eventually he brought me the entire collection in graphic novel form.

I never bought or got the issue of Dark Knight Falls in which Batman got broken in half. But the question asked when each of these events occurred was this: Who did it? Meaning, who was the villain that finally managed to take down two of the most recognizable characters in comic book history?

"Wait. I thought we were working the arm..."

Surely Batman was taken out by The Joker. Lex Luthor had to have beaten Superman. Right? Nope. In both cases it was a character created just to do the dirty deed which was a huge cop out on DC’s part. I’m not gonna go into the history of Doomsday and the Superman saga. Max Landis did a far more entertaining version of that. But I’ll tell you what bugged me the most about Batman being taken out by a luchadore.

"Can a luchadore do thi-ow, ow- OW!!!"

Batman has arguably the best set of villains. Do I need to name them? Fuck you. He just does. He looks at other villains and laughs his creepy Batman laugh. There was no need to bring in this new South American psycho to take Batman down. Does DC not trust fans enough to accept that maybe one day Two Face gets lucky and shoots Batman? That Joker could slip a knife into the right spot and severe a nerve? No. They brought a guy out of nowhere to give him a backbreaker. A fucking backbreaker.

Dante vs. Nature 9

I live in the mean city. The streets. Its rough here in the city what with the crime, the murder, the lack of women in West Hollywood, and the dangers of slipping on a used condom. But one thing I don’t have to worry about too much is fucking Mother Nature losing her grip on reality and unleashing beasts upon me.

But every so often nature does go off its rocker and I have to see a wild animal. They’re small in size but still make their presence known in various ways. Some its through sound. Some its through actions. And some fly overhead and shit on everything in their path. I give you…city nature!

Folks Still Read: The Hunger Games Book Review

I received The Hunger Games as a gift (thanks, Miss E.) and dove right into this book. I have been hearing so much about it for the past few months but mostly from the movie trailers and the hype surrounding it. I’d never heard of it before then which some would find strange since I read so much. I’ll try and write the premise without ruining too much of the story for those who, like me, are late as hell when it comes to popular culture.

The story takes place in the future where North America got wrecked and got split into 13 different colonies. Each of these colonies specialize in something. The main character, Katniss Everdeen, live in District 12 who handles the coal mining for the nation of Panem. That’s what America is called now. She hunts for food for her mother and sister as her father died years ago in a coal mining accident. Her partner in crime is Gale who dreams of one day taking down the system for the way they treat everyone.

The Capitol, which is where the rich folks live, has an annual event called The Hunger Games. Its pretty much a honked up event where kids ages 12 to 18 have their name placed in a lottery and each District has a boy and girl entered. It’s a televised show where they murder each other until one is left. Katniss’ younger sister, Prim, is called to participate but Katniss chooses to replace her. Another kid named Peeta, the son of a baker, is chosen as well.

They arrive at The Capitol and are overwhelmed by how clean and enormous everything is. They are groomed and restyled and presented for the nation to see. After interviews and some training they are released into a zone where The Hunger Games will take place. Immediately kids are slaughtered as Katniss makes her way into the woods.

There is more but you’ll have to read this book or see the movie in a couple weeks. It’s a good and easy read but I do have some complaints. The pacing, once the games begin, is strange. There isn’t enough character development of many of the “tributes” aka contestants, so when some are killed it has no real impact.

Also, as interesting as it is for some readers, likely females, the love triangle that is attempted feels forced. Girl likes boy but not really. Boy loves girl. Other boy has never given love for girl who thinks she may love both boys but not quite sure. My brain started to play the theme to Dawson’s Creek whenever Katniss started pining. “I don’t wanna wait for our lives to be over…”

The ending gave me the same feeling as some of Stephen King’s later books in the 90’s. Here is a sample of my reaction while reading stuff like The Cell. “Wow, this is good. Okay, what was that for? Cool, good again. Better wrap this up. Huh? The hell was that?!” There were several points where the book should’ve ended but it kept going. And going. And going. By the time it was done such outlandish things happened that I could only wonder how the filmmakers were gonna handle it. Especially the fact that the main character does not talk much. She internalizes everything. Though this is a book for youths it is very violent and very bloody.

I’m still gonna watch the movie, don’t get me wrong. But this book just let me down towards the last 30% or so of it. A very strong start that had an ending that obviously built towards another book I’m not sure if I want to read. Lots of comparisons are being made between The Hunger Games and Battle Royale. They’re similar in that kids far from home are fighting to survive. So I guess its just like Lord Of The Flies.

There’s a whole theme that is a social commentary on war and reality television which is funny since for two years I have worked in reality television. As a reader you are told how messed up The Capitol is and how a revolt against them failed years ago. But then you wonder “Why not do it again instead of fighting to the death for people’s entertainment?” The whole point is to show the poor “This is to remind you not to step out of line!”

If the tournament is boring The Gamemasters, producers, will throw things in to make the game more interesting. You know the game is rigged and bets are placed. You earn sponsors by being entertaining. You wonder why it took so long for someone to use this to their advantage the way Katniss does.

I give The Hunger Games a 3 out of 5.

Max Landis' Death & Return Of Superman

I had to have watched this damned video over twenty times and I laugh each time. Max Landis with the help of celebrity friends like Mandy Moore, Elijah Wood, and Simon Pegg retell the story of The Death & Return Of Superman.

Dante Saves You: Crazy White Women Edition

I’ve tried to teach you how to battle many forms of nutballs ranging from giant monsters to psycho killers. But this time I’m gonna teach you how to fight the deadliest creature to ever exist: Crazy White Women. Since the dawn of time crazy White women have been the cause and blame for the largest catastrophes to befall mankind. From Eve, Pandora, to Mother Teresa White women have been starting stuff.

So this time we shall combat them. But they aren’t normal. Like I said they crazy. No superpowers unless you count looking sweet and innocent while they cut your face off. So let’s get into this mess. Unfortunately I have not figured out a way to defeat Courtney Love. Only Cthulhu knows that and he ain’t talking.

Its My Birthday aka Take That Death!

My birthday is coming up. Like in about half an hour I’ll be 33 years old. I don’t know what I expected my life to be like at this age. At one point I wanted a family, job, and a nice home. But over time I realized that what I really wanted was to be happy and I guess those things didn’t factor into that equation. Because, full disclosure, I’m a selfish person.

Now hear me out! I’m not “across the board” selfish. When I have I give. I love to see my friends happy and when I can do things that make them smile I will. But when I look at the things I do for myself they are totally “Me me me!” things. Drawing, reading, writing, podcasts, short films, painting, and ironing. These are all things I do by myself because sharing is for the gays.