Grown Ass Man Tips: Toenails

I just watched a video of a guy getting an ingrown toenail removed. It was horrifying. Not just because he let it get so bad that he had to see a specialist but because just looking at his other toenails I could tell that this dude probably cut his nails once every few months and did absolutely nothing to take care of things like using lotion of getting rid of dead skin. The shit was foul and not necessary. Growing up my family took care of each others grooming. From haircuts, popping bumps, plucking hairs, cleaning ears, and cutting nails. One time I went over my brothers house and he asked me to cut his toenails and I said “Sure.” His girlfriend at the time and her hot ass cousin were horrified and said he'd been asking them all day. To me it wasn't a big deal. Plus there is the fact that one of my grandfathers got an infected toenail and lost his leg. Fuck that. I am not losing a leg over something as easy to take care of like a toenail. I'm not losing a leg to anything other than an alligator or a terrible snu-snu incident.

I'm not saying you need to buff and shine them. Just every few weeks look at your nails and ask “Can I slice deli meat with these? If I were asked to climb a wall without the use of my hands could I? Are my toenails the color of tea?” If the answer is yes you need to sit your ass down and handle your toenails. It does not take long and it not hard to do. If it physically hurts your body to get into position to cut your own nails then go to a shop. Or handle those random body issues. When I see a dude with jacked up fingernails I can only imagine the horror show that is happening in their shoes. There is no reason for your toenails to look like tree bark. If you said “It doesn't matter 'cause nobody can so them!” then I am gonna go ahead and assume that your dick looks like a briar patch and your fingernails look like an elephant graveyard. Just because someone can not see a problem does not mean it's not a problem. Be an adult and keep your nasty ass vessel clean.

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Just Talking With Dante Episode 31

Jasmine has returned and it makes me all of the happy! In this episode we do a recap of our Ultra Fat Tour, Dante rants about voting stickers, a story about a guy spreading religion and getting an arrow in return, talk of Wild Wild Country, Dante wants a cult, talk of the guy with the Thick Neck and turning infamous to famous using the internet, how to get a good mugshot, asking Jasmine who is the better mother in two news stories, a Dear Jasmine segment, the stresses of moving out of home. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 7

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Zazz has fainted by the time I catch him. I tap his cheek and he snorts. I tap him again and he nuzzles into my arms and whimpers. This would be cute if it were my daughter. Or Ronica. Or a puppy. But not a chubby, tear streaked man that smells of onion rings. I don't even know how he manages to get onion rings here on the island but he does. I slowly head back to the ground and Ronica's disapproving glare. She is super pissed. She wasn't even this pissed off when I started that campaign to get Small Wonder brought back with the original cast. She believed that the show was a classic and a reboot would tarnish that. Sure, it turns out that she was right and Vicki the Robot put in maximum 30% effort. But still. I got to be in the music video for the remix of the theme song.

“Put Zazz down” Ronica hisses. Like actually hisses. “You and I need to talk right now, Walter.”

“But the aliens...”

“NOW.”

Dante Doesn't Bitch About People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive 2018

People Magazine announced that Idris Elba was the Sexiest Man Alive for 2018 and the world collectively went “Of course.” I can't think of one person that would disagree with this. “I do!” the guy in the back shouted. Look. I'm not gay but if Idris made a move on me I wouldn't react that way I would if some dude at work or on the street hit on me. What I'm saying is that there would be some internal struggling and dialogue happening. “I'm not gay. But this is Idris Elba. But I'm not gay. Right?” Look. There ain't nothing wrong with admitting that another guy is good looking no matter how straight you are. I am also fully aware that if I was talking to some lady and Idris walked into the room I would suddenly disappear. I would become this tall dark barrier keeping her away from a slightly taller barrier. And way better looking. And cooler.

Grown Ass Man Tips: Asking For Help

There ain't nothing wrong with asking for help. Lots of guys right now are doing something wrong but are not asking for help. Sure, it is easy to say “Well, because men don't like to ask for help.” I'm not gonna be that general with this because I'm allegedly a man and I know that there is more to it than that. I used to be terrible at asking for help but I was never bad at asking questions. If you showed me how to do something I wouldn't pretend I understood, shove you out the way, and then do a shitty job of it. Till this day I will let you know that the way you said/told/did something made no sense to me and ask for some form of clarification. But for the help part...that had nothing to do with my genitals. That was a pride thing. A not wanting to look weak or stupid thing. A not wanting to appear helpless thing. But now? Help me the fuck out!

I would much rather you think I am stupid, weak, or helpless for asking for help than to fuck something up and have someone else have to do it again later. I know a big part of not being able to ask for help is because of what we think it means to be a man in the first place. What it means to be a man changes every few months so right now we have to play it by ear. All that man shit that your father and your fathers father did? No bueno. You can try, and many men do, but what'll likely happen is you'll be called some form of “ist” be it sexist, racist,or misogynist. Think back to when you were growing up and watched some guy in your life fuck something up by not asking for help. It could have been a father, uncle, brother, cousin, nephew, or even your own son. You don't want to be that guy. The one that does something, claps thinking you did a good job, leave the room, and have people roll their eyes so hard it makes a sound. If you have someone in your life that says it makes you weak to ask for help chances are they are a fuck up and you shouldn't be listening to them anyway.

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Dante Vs. Nature 77

What in the Barney Fife is this fresh batch of nonsense?! It has been a minute since nature walked into my mental bathroom and kicked me while I was shitting. I was on a friends FB page and saw an image of this creepy ass thing called a humphead parrotfish and thought it was fake. 

That is the problem when nature decides to get real weird with it. The shit don't look real. There are deer with fangs. Bats with huge penises. Fur covered frogs. So when this decided to get out of a Lovecraft dream and into my car I had to do some research. Much to my dismay this is an actual thing that exists on the same planet as me. You know what that feels like for me? Someone that rarely leaves the house and almost never ventures into nature? I don't like it and I don't think it is fair to me. How am I supposed to feel like the big bad human man creature because I got thumbs when there is something living in the water that shits sand? I ain't even lying! These things straight up make sand. Think I'm playing. 'Cause I'm not. I don't play when it comes to two things. Chicken and nature.