Grown Ass Man Tips: Being Present

When I am out in the public I notice something that is getting worse with each passing year and that is being present. One definition of it is “having your focus, your attention, your thoughts and feelings all fixed on the task at hand. If you are speaking to somebody, then your attention and energy is focused on him or her and what he or she is saying.” I know this is about giving grown ass men some tips but this applies to everyone. I see people walking down the street having a conversation and texting at the same time. I have talked to people on the phone and hear them texting and saying “Uh-huh” or laughing when nothing funny was said by me because they aren't really paying attention. 

I get it. Being present is hard when there are so many distractions all over the place. But the better you are at being present the more quality time you'll have with people. Know why I'm not constantly snapping pictures when I'm out with friends? Because we're talking and I am able to recall everything we did. I actually have a thought that when I see a lot of pictures taken during a vacation the less fun is being had and the less time you're spending being present.

Kids These Days 78

If the Sad Hulk song had a visual image this would be it. When I first heard about this I didn't feel bad for this kid Teddy Mazzini because they invited a bunch of kids from his school to his 6th birthday party and no one showed up. I'm damn near 40 and have had only two in my life. I felt bad for him because one of his parents was pretty shitty for taking this picture and posting it online. I get it. People like to overshare their kids lives online. A lot of times its shit that does not need to be documented in photo form but it is, like the shame of having a party and no one showing up. This is the kinda stuff that people can end up in therapy over. Seriously. In the next twenty years there are gonna be a metric shit ton of folks in their early 20's in therapy because their parents posted some stuff of or about them online that comes back to haunt them let alone the stuff they post themselves that'll keep them from being employed because for some reason kids think its cute to be racist online. They say that the Internet never forgets. It does. Then it remembers again. Just ask James Gunn.

His dad said “I was bummed, I was bummed out for sure. Teddy, the biggest thing for him was having his classmates there, so not seeing them show up an hour into the party was disappointing. He's 6, so he was distracted by the arcade games, the pizza, he got over it quick. He's tough. But when Sil (the mother) told me she was posting the photo, I told her not to do it, but she did and it took off. It's pretty wild.” Teddy's mother said “I was kind of shocked and then at the end when I had to pay for it, I was upset” regarding the $130 bill for the pizza. “That's why I wrote a message. But I never expected any of this, for this to go so viral.” Ah. So she skipped right past petty which would have been emails to every individual family she invited to messy by making it public. That is the difference between the two by the way. Messy is public. Petty is intimate.

Machinery Hanging Out

There's nothing worse than uninvited penis. Uninvited is usually unexpected and the last place you ever expect to see a penis (all Catholic accusations aside) is in church. But 21 year old North Dakota resident Zachary Burdick was like “You know what this church is missing? Meth. Meth and penis.” So he introduced both to the equation. This week on a Tuesday morning mass at Spirit of Life Church which means that church had the most dedicated of church goers inside because who the hell else goes to church on a Tuesday morning, and got butt booty ass naked. He then got into the baptismal fountain and when he got out he was feeling the wrong kinda spirit and he started jerking it while walking towards the altar. There were 75 people inside the church at the time.

A witness told the police that Zachary splashed around in the fountain and then entered the area with his “machinery hanging” and “pumping” himself up. I laughed when I read that shit. Father Todd Kreitinger was conducting mass at the time and said Zachary had “dipped his rear-end into the Holy Water fountain and splashed around a bit before entering the sanctuary while masturbating.” The price to clean the fountain is said to be $500. I don't know why it costs anything. Just empty it, fill it back up, and bless it. I'm not even sure what kinda fountain it was. There seems to be a lot and they are expensive. When questioned Zachary said that he was tweaking and said he used meth and hashish oil. He also told police that he was trying to “bust a nut” in the church. He's been charged with indecent exposure which will count as a felony because it was within 50 feet of where kids would have been.

Update!

Apparently preschoolers were there at the time! And he was also trying to bless people, hopefully not with what I am thinking, and handing out the Book or Mormon. He also wants to be a rapper. This just keeps getting worse. Yep. He also has a kid. After this news broke his baby mama posted “Well, there goes child support.”