F**k Time Travel 1

Time travel. Everyone has wanted to do it at one point or another. It could be to go back in time and preserve my toys because years later people your age would want to buy them as adults for a lot of money. Telling myself to not be such a wimp and just tell Ruendy that you had a huge crush on her. Go back to the 1970's and talk some sense into my parents before they had me. Yeah, I don't wanna go back in time and do anything important that would change the course of history. Looking the way I look going past 1970 shit gets super sketchy. For real. Let's not be silly people right now.

I remember years ago during a tour at a museum the tour guide talked about how smelly Greece and other places were. How people just tossed pee pee and doo do out their windows. I didn't believe her because in the paintings things look beautiful. Then a few weeks ago I started wondering about bathrooms. You don't understand. Bathrooms are important to me. I have never been camping because of bathrooms. I will lose interest in a woman based on how her toilet seat looks when I lift it. I will suffer internal damage to avoid pooping when I'm not at home. I do not play when it comes to toilets and such so when I heard about how they used to get down back in the day I was shook.

There was this thing called a tersorium. Its bad enough having to use the bathroom sitting right next to people while dropping an ancient deuce. You are knee to knee with other people growing a tail. That's gross. But then they expect you to finish up and whip out the communal butt wipe. I mean that in every sense of the word. See, what you'd do is take this stick that had a sea sponge attached to it and get to scrubbing. Yeah. After you were done you would wash it in hot water with soap and let it dry for the next person. I'm lying. You would rinse it with water and/or vinegar and salt water and then the next person would turn around and use it.

And where did all the poop and pee go? Not some great plumbing system. Nope. People would fill up their pots with pee and put them into even larger jars outside. So now you got a great big pee pot just mad chilling outside your house. It would then be collected and used to defeat enemies. Lying again. They would use it to wash their clothes. So now you got a society full of people wiping their butts with a communal sponge and washing their clothes in piss. You can keep that along with time travel. I will stay in this terrifying future where I have a toilet only my ass touches and whatever double ply toilet paper is on sale.

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 9

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

Holy shit. I'm a father.

As soon as I see these creatures appearing that is the first thought that runs through my mind. Yeah, I've thought it before but not like this. I thought it when that actress from that new show about jungle women from Brazil that kidnap women from the city and give them big asses but in reality the stuff that they were injecting was really just Kool-Aid thickened with hot dog water slid into my DM's. I thought “I'm a father...” but it was more of a sadness attached to it. This is nervousness.

This is actual panic.

My dad was a shitbird that left my mom and my loser brothers before I even developed powers. I ended up trying my best to not turn out like him. Once I had Milly I knew that things were gonna be different. Once she arrived hot and fresh with powers I knew it was gonna be really different. Before I had her and would hear people talk about having a kid and how it changes you I figured that they were full of shit like most people are. Now I am mad that they never stressed just how serious it is to have a kid. We don't parade Milly around and have her do appearances because I know what that was like growing up. My mom never forced me to. I choose it and wish I hadn't done it and would never do that to her. Just having those first few years of my life normal helped me because I remember what it was like to lose, get hurt, and bleed. I forgot those feelings until these assholes showed up. I want to train Milly to be a good superhero and hopes that she turns into a cool ass chick when she grows up. If I don't stop this today she won't get that chance.  

Just Talking With Dante Episode 44

“You have no right to pull up a site and swipe left or right. (gasp) Oh my god I am so fucking clever!”  

Catch you up on my week, avoiding the Pride Parade, talk about ending a crush and a fantasy woman, discuss technology making you immortal, surgically enhanced penises, a man diving off a balcony to avoid giving oral sex at gunpoint, play a song, record another episode complaining about people looking naked, hot cosplay women, OJ Simpson joining Twitter, crazy ladies on the bus, folks using online dating coaches, a booty doctor reusing supplies, and my prison called Missionary Island. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Imagining

As I sit here thinking of this fantasy human it is harder than I thought it'd be. I am trying not to think so much about what I don't want because I am good at complaining about shit and instead trying to think of what I do want. I think of girls I have dated, liked, told I liked, never told I liked, and ones I just look at and immediately think “She would be fun to date...” and then make up an entire scenario where we date and she gets to know me and decides its not worth the trouble. I do what I have had done to me which is goofy and unfair to myself.

I have heard a lot of people talk about their perfect/fantasy person. Since I am someone who takes things literally I tend to think “Well, I'm out!” since I am never what a lady woman describes as their perfect guy. I will hear things like “green eyes”, “gets along with his family”, “has a great job”, or “full beard” and I roll my eyes so hard they go into my head and I can look into my past and witness my mistakes. I tend to forget that there are compromises and such in terms of, well, everything in this version of reality. So what I decided to do is make a list of what I would consider the perfect woman...for me. Just me. This ain't yours. Its mine. So back off. You can disagree with this which is fine. And don't feel bad if this woman sounds nothing like you because chances are you're not into my strange ass anyway.