Dante Saves You: Zombie Edition

So far I have tried to teach you how to survive alien attacks and dinosaurs that want to use you for a chew toy. Now thanks to Njeeeri I’m gonna have to show your asses how to get away from zombies. Zombies are something humanity has feared ever since the first person died and their body twitched minutes later. That’s why “wakes” were created. To see if the corpse would. I hope you didn’t believe that.

But in case you did you are now one step closer to becoming a citizen of Dantania! Now, I have to explain that since there have been so many zombie updates I have to include fast moving zombies. I know, I know. It sucks that they can move quickly now but I didn’t create the rules. So now lets fuck some shit right the fuck up!

So You’ve Spotted a Horde Of Zombies.

Oh, you’re in it deep this time. There’s not a zombie coming towards you which is pretty damned easy to take out. I don’t know about the rest of you but 83% of my life has been spent in anticipation of some kind of undead attack.

Me getting it wrong years ago.

There’s no point in running. If one zombie saw you in all likelihood about three dozen more spotted your dumbass who just had to take a quick glance to figure out whether or not zombies were coming or if the world’s largest orgy that you weren’t invited to was happening right outside.


Solution.

Either way I'm DTF.

Since playing dead is out of the question and the idea of rubbing zombie gore all over yourself makes you cry the only solution is to face these undead sons of bitches head-on. I know that sounds scary but unless you want to die screaming knowing that you’re gonna be a greasy ass monster until someone does what you should have done to you I suggest you knuckle up.

So The Zombies Are Here.

Aw, shit. Zombies are here! Not only are they at the door but these jerks didn’t even bring a gift! I’m gonna assume that this isn’t a surprise. You saw them coming and even attracted them by wearing that shitty cologne your son bought you for Christmas. You’re not quite ready to sacrifice him so its time to act.

Solution.

Get to a car! I don’t drive but I bet you I’d become a fucking professional if I had to get away from zombies. Its not like you have to avoid hitting people. And even if you do its probably some panicky asshole that is running around screaming. In which case it’s a mercy killing.

Homeless zombies are by far the most aggressive zombies.

Or you could attempt to run, but like I said earlier, zombies are fast now. They don’t drag one foot behind them and moan with their arms in the air waiting to be chopped off. Now that you know escape is probably more trouble than what its worth its time to lose your mind for a minute.

So The Zombies Are Attacking.

"If I stay really still he won't notice me..."

Okay, the undead is in your house or surrounding you. There is no superhero there to save you. No deus ex machina situation where someone is going to swing in and whip ass for you. Its time to take matters into your own hands using all the knowledge from every violent film and video game you’ve ever played.

Solution.

Groovy.

Level up!!! What this means is now its time for you to forget that you once had manners. You find the nearest sharp object or blunt instrument and go bananas on these assholes. There is no time to use common sense at this point.

Common sense is for (insert derogatory name)!

Hopefully you have managed to find someone who doesn’t get squeamish at the sight of blood because there is going to be buckets of the shit. If it makes you feel better about yourself you can even sing “Holiday Road” while doing it. I don’t know why but it makes me feel better about cutting people in half.

"Holiday RoaoOOOOOooooOOOOD!"

So You’ve Decided To Keep Fucking.

"Damn, gurl. You lookin' fine..."

You selfish son of a bitch. Its pretty much the end of the world and all you can think about is where to park your penis. Now you have to deal with the consequences. First you had to protect this chick you just met because chicks look hot when they haven’t bathed in months and wear tears for makeup. Now you got a baby to think of. Smooth move, Ex Lax.

Solution.

If you cant kill the chick who is going to have your kid (pussy) then guess what? You now have to deal with a zombie baby! Zombie babies are the third worst form of baby. You kill that thing as soon as it shows it ashy eyes to the world. Otherwise…

"Happy birthday to yo--Aaaaahhh!!!"

So You’ve Decided To Hang With An Asshole.

"How do I get to Astoria?"

There’s one in every group. The guy who wants to eat all the rations. Want to be in control of all the weapons. Wants to use the plan that will get the most amount of people killed. If there are three people in a room one of them is an asshole. Its science (Science!!!). So what do you do with this guy?

Solution.

He’s bait. Plain and simple. You shove him outside, lock the door, and run in the other direction. Its not like you’re gonna feel bad. You just met the guy. And even if he was someone you knew you spent nights awake dreaming of the day you could sacrifice him for your own safety. Or maybe that’s just me.

So You’ve Decided To Show Mercy.

"Is there something on my face?"

You goofy bastard. This is a zombie war, not a happy…be kind…help people war. In every zombie situation someone is gonna get bitten and hide it. Its gonna either be mom, dad, or a kid. If you’re me, a youngish male Blacker, I know my days are numbered. As soon as I see “Directed By…” the countdown starts.

Not a zombie, just a Blacker.

Solution.

Bitch ain't even got Thin Mints!

No mercy!!! I don’t care how cute the kid is, how much you loved your friends and family, they are now zombies. You do whatever it takes to take ‘em out. If it makes you feel better you can tell yourself “They would have wanted me to do this…” which they totally wouldn’t. They are zombies. They just want human flesh which you happen to have a few pounds of.

"Come give Nana a kis-bluuuurrg!"