Dante Saves You: Dinosaur Edition

So you’ve managed to encounter a real life dinosaur. One of two things had to have happened. 1. You went back in time to preserve humanity Terra Nova style and forgot that dinosaurs are as abundant as free love in prison. Or 2. A family member convinced you that going to Jurassic Park was a fantastic idea and that you should totally bring the kids along!

Its fine. We all make stupid mistakes. But I am here to save you from death at the hands of these terrifying beasts that you have managed to stumble upon. This isn’t like the aliens I taught you how to fight. These don’t talk and you cant reason with them. But you can use superior intellect to at least leave with 75% of your body intact.

So T-Rex Has Found You.

Okay, this is no time to say to your friends “Way to pick a vacation!” Sarcasm saves no one unless you’re Dr. House. T-Rex knows that you’re in the car and all you are now is a Pringle. He’s not gonna eat one of you and then stop. No one has ever taught you what to do if this hellspawn tried to get you. You’re going to have to use science, smart, or…

Solution.

Use a child as bait. I’m sorry. Them’s the rules. This kid has been nothing but trouble from the start. We say stay close, she runs off. We say don’t scream, she screams louder. So why not throw her at the damned thing and run like your life depended on it? Because it totally does right now!

Dinosaurs fucking hate fireworks!

Fine. I get it. You’ve been around this kid for a while. You’ve grown attached to it. Your next option as a guardian is to sacrifice yourself. Get in that things mouth and then shit like you’ve never shit before! I’m sure they hate the taste of poop. If you die you can spend the rest of eternity asking God “Why did you let us recreate these things...for four films?!"

So You’re Trapped Inside.

Scientific fact: Dinosaurs can't smell White people!

Uh-oh. Look whose trapped in a room full of Velociraptors. I don’t care how you ended up in here. Maybe you decided that things needed to be faxed like right now! Either way you’re in a room with creatures that science (Science!!!) have dubbed the best killers to have ever existed. These creatures are built to hurt.

Solution.

The face of fear.

Kermit Flail. Hey, we both know you cant outrun or outfight these things. The only thing you have is the element of surprise. If you jump in the air and start screaming and waving your arms in the air it may scare the shit out of these things. Or you can be a smartass and try to blend into their group.

Asshole. 

So You’re Trapped Outside.

"Nothing can harm me when I have my man-purse!"

You fucking psychopath. Dinosaurs are to outside what Dante is to seeing red panties: Happy! So now that you are blocked on all sides by killing machines what do you do? You’ve already given your kid to a T-Rex. You’ve used all your energy flailing with the dinosaurs inside. So there’s only one option left now.

Solution.

Go fucking apeshit! I mean forget that there is a shred of humanity in you and just start clawing and biting at these damned things. Sure, not all of you is making it back but at least you’re alive. Grab it by its tiny arms and break them like twigs.

Or you can shoot it. I assume you brought a gun with you the moment someone said the words “Dinosaurs”, “You”, “Island”, and “Dangerous.” But whatever the hell you do please don’t drop your weapon in the jungle. Things can only get worse from there.

Way worse.

So You’re In The Middle Of A T-Rex and Demonsaurus Extreme.

I swear I don’t know why you decided to come to this place and do the opposite of everything you should. But now that you are in between two circles of Hell and for whatever reason you haven’t fainted its time to start planning.

Solution.

Blend in with the herd. I don’t care if its other unlucky ass people or smaller dinosaurs. Anything is better than waiting around for that thing to kill the T-Rex and then kill you by roaring. Because that’s what’s gonna happen. Its gonna roar and you’re gonna fucking explode to death.

Pictured: Not blending.

But lets say you don’t believe that. Fine. You next option is delusion. Delusion is one of the most powerful weapons we as humans have. Delusion has built religions, sailed us across seas, sent us into space, and made us believe that if we could we would totally slap goddamn lasers on goddamn dinosaurs and they would be fine with it.

Nerdgasm achieved. Continue to next level.

Or you could just sit and wait to die while thinking back to that time during the beginning of the trip where you saw those Brontosaurus’ and marveled at how peaceful they were and how nothing bad was going to happen on this vacation. See? Delusion rules. Oh, and by the way…

Demonsaurus won.