What Easter Means To Dante

Once a year my parents would drag my heathen ass to church. I would have to wear nice clothes, be bored out of my mind, and fall asleep while a lot of loud Black people sang songs I didn’t understand. In the modern world its known as Easter. And what does Easter mean?

“Christians believe, according to Scripture, that Jesus came back to life, or was raised from the dead, three days after his death on the cross. As part of the Easter season, the death of Jesus Christ by crucifixion is commemorated on Good Friday, always the Friday just before Easter. Through his death, burial, and resurrection, Jesus paid the penalty for sin, thus purchasing for all who believe in him, eternal life in Christ Jesus.”

"You're welcome!"

If I’d known that I probably would’ve tried to stay awake. To me Easter was about doing something I didn’t want to do. Kinda like how Jesus didn’t want to be crucified. Or did he? I cant recall but I cant imagine it being something where he was like “Well, this isn’t what I planned. Meh. Off I go!” But Easter shouldn’t be about dudes getting murdered and my Black ass bored in church. Easter is about dyeing eggs and candy. Lots of fucking candy!

"What you lookin' at, hater?"

There are peeps which people love. I like them okay. Just give me, like, three and I’m good for a few years. They aren’t amazing. Some people scarf these things down like crackheads. They are just sugar covered marshmallows. If you ate these things any other time of the year people would be like “You fat ass fatass!” But on Easter, its all good. Fatass.

The Church has endorsed diabetes for hundreds of years.

Next were the chocolate bunnies. These things were fucking amazing! Just a giant chunk of chocolate that sometimes had a candy eye that tasted like hell. “Penance!” I imagined Jesus screaming from the sky as that tiny piece of candy ruined two pounds of chocolate.

"Look into my eyes...and tremble!!!"

If you put one of these in front of me even after eating a large meal I’d fucking inhale it. I don’t care if I’m on the verge of vomiting with a giant piece of ham hanging from my mouth and a big ass cup of Kool-Aid in my hand. I will eat that chocolate.

I would heart punch your grandmama for a handful of these.

And finally, there is the egg shaped Whoppers. If someone asks me “What proof is there that God exists?” First I would laugh because the only god I worship is Cthulhu and/or Zeus and then I’d say “Snickers, Skor, porn hub.com, red panties, and Whoppers.” I will eat these until I am sick. Then I call myself a pussy and eat some more until I wake up surrounded by loved ones burning incense. Then I choke down a few more as I slowly slip into a diabetic coma. This, my friends, is Easter.