While hanging out shopping with Cam last weekend I noticed something while in Ralph’s supermarket. There are a lot of different brands of toilet paper. Growing up we used to get the blue and green colored ones. Its hard to find that kind now since it probably has chemicals in it that would make your ass fall off or something. I found out a few months back that there’s a black toilet paper which makes me wonder how you know where you’re…done.
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| A literal crap shoot. |
As a kid there used to be these commercials for Charmin brand toilet paper with this dude named Mr. Whipple. He would tell you not to squeeze the Charmin. I don’t know why he did. It wasn’t like it ruined the toilet paper. It was just his thing. My brother used to hate if you entered his two-door car from the drivers side. No explanation why. It was just his thing. I don’t think anything bad would happen if you ran down a aisle squeezing Charmin.
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| Mr. Whipple has too much free time. |
Now they have bears that sell Charmin. I hate these commercials. I know that a rhetorical question is “Does a bear shit in the woods?” but this is taking it too far. Plus, they never show the bears shitting. They show them with lint on their asses from using bad toilet paper or just happy to be able to shit comfortably with their family a foot away from them. Have some boundaries, damn you!
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| Nope! |
I guess cartoon bears is better than the alternative though. Seeing a real bear would likely cause people to, like, actually shit themselves and those commercials would be sad. Just tear streaked campers running through bushes with shit running down their legs. That would be funny as hell though.
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| I agreeaaAAARRGH!!! |
On the topic of bad toilet paper, one of my ex’s family bought the cheap stuff. No, not cheap as in price because the 99 Cent Store has great toilet paper that comes four rolls for a buck. The stuff they would buy would feel like the Devil’s tongue. No one likes whimpering wile wiping their ass.
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| Welcome to the world of asbestos! |
I made the mistake of buying that thousand sheet stuff. Its like wiping yourself with a dream. A dream that you will not have to disinfect and burn your hand in a few moments. Yes, the roll is thick but you have to triple wrap it to get close to a normal roll. That’s not cool. So fellow Dantanian’s, don’t be cheap when it comes to ass care. And lotion. Oh, and deodorant. Those are things that are worth paying for.
4 comments:
When I went to college in the mid-90s, in order to keep the toilet paper costs down by (a) making sure not much was used and (b)giving thieving students a reason NOT to steal it, my university stocked toilet paper that had the same feel and look as grease-proof paper. Imagining wiping your backside with crinkly shiny non-absorbent paper. It was a particular problem for ze ladies who for a few days a month would particularly have welcomed soft absorbent paper to maximise comfort and hygiene. It was horrendous. Eventually a member of staff complained to a national radio station talk program, and only then did we got humane toilet paper. It's a basic right to be able to wipe your arse comfortably, right?
Just the image of a bunch of girls trying to wipe and sounding like they are working in a deli made me lose it. You know I'm not a fan of public restrooms already, but making people use sandpaper is just terrible. Do you all have those toilet paper dispensers that give one sheet at a time? Those are the devil.
My friends always laugh at my refusal to touch anything in public toilets, first thing I do is wrap some tissue around my hand and use that to close the door, flush the loo, turn on the taps etc. I know it's paranoia really but people are filthy beasts and I don't want anything to do with them.
Yes, we have those awful dispensers, but a new type has been introduced lately which really stunned me the first time I saw them, and then I just couldn't stop laughing. We used to have the dispensers that you would pull one sheet at a time from a flap at the bottom. These have been replaced by ones which have a small circular opening on the side which you pull the individual sheet from. I swear to God it looks like you're pulling toilet paper from a small plastic anus. It's terrible.
Small Plastic Anus is now the name of my death metal band. The bathroom at my job stays consistently dirty. Someone drops TP on the floor and instead of going "I did that. I should throw it away or flush it" they just walk away. Savages!
Or...there's just none. God forbid I had to go number two at work. I'd scream in rage.
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