Dante Learns The 1st Amendment

I have lived in this country my entire life and went to school and all that nonsense. Sadly I didn't learn much in school. In all honesty I have learned more in the past three years than I did from the ages of 5-18 in the LAUSD. While listening to the news and various podcasts I realized that I don't know the goddamn Amendments. I hear about them but usually by lunatics defending their right to shoot me in the face or walk around with bazookas while talking mad shit.

I have decided that I'm gonna research each Amendment and try and figure out what they mean for the country and myself because who knows when I'm gonna be laying facedown on the pavement drenched in pepper spray with three taser prongs sticking out of my ass with eight guns aimed at me. I should probably check and see exactly what the hell the Amendments are.


“…United States Constitution which received the approval of the United States Congress. Twenty-seven amendments have been ratified since the original signing of the Constitution, the first ten of which are known collectively as the Bill of Rights. The procedure for amending the United States Constitution is governed by Article V of the original text. Before an amendment can take effect, it must be proposed to the states by a two-thirds vote of both houses of Congress or by a convention called by two-thirds of the states...”

Got it? Neither do I. That’s why I’m doing this. There are people that make a living writing shit so that it sounds confusing which helps in us not being able to defend ourselves when our rights are being violated. So let’s begin with the 1st Amendment. This should be fun.

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

Now the first part already puzzles the shit out of me. I have looked up some information and what “…make no law respecting an establishment of religion…” means that the government cant, like, pick one religion over another…openly. We all know this is a Catholic country. Christian if you wanna be silly and pretend you don't know the truth. Shut up. In America Jesus is a superhero and damn it you better respect it!

Kryptonite, crown of thorns, same difference.

When people talk about the 1st Amendment one of the main things people mention is freedom of speech. “I can say whatever the hell I want! Its my right as an American citizen!” No. You cant. You cant run around screaming “Fire!” or threatening to kill folks. That’s silly. You also cant just write and print whatever fucking nonsense pops into your head and expect not to get arrested. Plus, on just a common level, you should know as a human being that you cant say whatever you want unless you want to get punched in your free speaking mouth.

Which happens.

No, the right to peaceably assemble is funny. If you wanna protest the government you have to apply to do it. That is goofy to me. “Excuse me, but do you mind if we gather in front of your building and talk about how shitty you’re running things? Really? Cool.” Funny enough, all of the shit that people are mad at the government about is the same type of stuff that we wrote the Bill Of Rights for against the Brits when they were all up in our shit.

So far I feel good about my knowledge of how this shit is working. I cant wait to get to the 2nd Amendment. By the time I get to the 27th I’m pretty damned sure I’ll be all Bane up in this bitch.

Which is my response to damn near everything.