Not everyone is built to live alone. A lot of you are savages. Some of you need roommates because you’re a sad sack that always needs company or you need someone to clean up the condom wrappers that for whatever reason cant find their way into the trash bin. Here are five things I learned living alone.
1. You Can Eat Whatever You Want.
This is one I looked forward to years before I even moved out of my parents home. The idea of waking up every day and being able to eat whatever the fuck I wanted because I was a grown ass man! Oh, you want Fruity Pebbles and orange juice at 3am? Sure! Why the hell not?! A plate of bacon with Sprite for dinner? Okay. 11am and no plans for the day and a bottle of wine sitting in the kitchen? Take it to the head!
The drawback of course is that if you’re a semi-responsible adult is that you must supply yourself with this food. It helps if you know how to cook otherwise you’ll waste a lot of money eating out. And not in the fun sexual way. A few weeks ago I had meatloaf every day for two weeks straight because I could. Then it was pizza for a week and a half. If I want to eat Snicker bars all day long I can because I don’t have kids, roommates, or a pet to feed. There’s just me and that rules.
2. Bills Don’t Pay Themselves.
Remember when you were little and heard your parents bitching about late fees and the power being shut off? Turns out that shit is a real thing. Now, I don’t pay for utilities which is evidenced by the fact that I have a fan running 24/7 and use my stove to heat my entire apartment when I want. But when I was little I remember once the power being turned off. That shit was bizarre (and we got to hear a woman murdered around the corner while sitting in the dark). I would ask my brother to collaborate this but his memory is failing.
I pay for my rent and my internet/phone. I don’t have cable, cell phone, or car insurance, gas, or credit cards to worry about paying for every month. Most of you do and I see why you’re in debt. That shit adds up fast. It took me years to learn how to be financially responsible. I have had jobs that paid very little to some where I wondered if there was some mistake in accounting. Either way there were points where I was hours away from having my phone shut off and one time where I ended up in court with my landlord where I discovered that it isn’t as fun as it looks on TV. Make a budget for yourself and stick to it. Have some on the side in case your face falls off. And of course have some to spend on shit you don’t need but want.
3. Messy Children Become Messy Adults.
Living alone can give you a good sense of how your nasty little ass was raised. It can go one of two ways. You could have grown up in a house where you had to clean your room every single day and decide “I’m an adult and I don’t have to clean up if I don’t wanna!” and next thing you know there’s something moving in the corner that didn’t exist a few weeks ago in any scientific journal. Is it friendly? Do you really want to find out?
On the other hand you could have been raised like a free range hen and just grew up leaving shit all over the house because someone else would pick up after you. Not anymore. You’re an adult and you need to learn how to pick up your own stuff. That turd you didn’t flush at 6 in the morning? Guess what. Its still there at 5 in the afternoon. You shouldn’t make cleaning up your place a seasonal activity. Do it at least twice a month. You’ll notice the difference. So will your friends who didn’t want to tell you they killed a roach in your kitchen.
4. Clothing Is Optional.
One of the first things I noticed when I got my own place was that I didn’t have to wear clothes when I didn’t feel like it. I can sit here butt booty ass naked and eat a bowl of cereal. Is that sexy? No. But that doesn’t matter because I’m an adult and sexy things are not high on my list of things to be. Try to keep your clothes on when people are over there. Unless I find you attractive then by all means strip. But if the back of your neck makes me think of a pack of hot dogs please ignore this rule.
Being able to walk around nude is great because it’s the ultimate sign of not giving a fuck. But use discretion. Don’t cook nude. I cooked bacon with no shirt on years ago and still have the scar to prove it. Don’t be scooting your naked ass on couches you know guests have to sit on. That’s a level of rudeness that causes countries to go to war.
5. You Make The Rules.
I have a few friends who don’t want you wearing shoes when you come into their house. “Ni**a, you ain’t Japanese!” my inner ghetto says. But its their house and they decided that shoes were something they didn’t want on the floor. All those dirty clothes? Oh, that’s fine. Some people don’t allow smoking. Some don’t allow shouting. Its your house and you can make up whatever rule you want. I have a red draws policy for women. Its not enforced but it exists.
Before people come by they need to know if you have any rules set in stone. I went to someone’s house before and didn’t go in because I was about to walk in and they said “Oh, I don’t allow shoes in my house.” Well, I happened to have some socks that looked like Charlie Brown’s Halloween costume on so I opted out. They said I could keep my shoes on but I still left. If there’s a rule make it consistent. Don’t tell me its fine to have my balls on your bed one day and change your mind the next. That’s called being a bad host.
Click here for previous Five Things I Learned.
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