About ten minutes after we left that
photography place and Zazz continued to lie about never taking dick
pics Ronica called to let me know about an accident on the 10
freeway. I wasn't doing anything but quietly judging my best friend
so I decided to head over and help. I got there and kinda made the
situation worse.
The scene of an accident is already
full of chaos. Having the world's only superhero show up to help
doesn't...help. People tend to stare and take pictures instead of
handling business. I land next to a car that is smoking and gonna
blow up any second and half on top of this lady. I go to snatch it up
and an EMT screams at me.
“Panic, stop!”
“How come why?”
“Her legs are underneath! Suddenly
moving the pressure can make it worse!”
“That doesn't make any sense.”
“This is my job! I know what I'm
talking about!”
“So...I should leave?”
“Put out the goddamn fire and let us
do our job! Please?”
How often does someone help in a rescue
feel even worse than when they arrived? I got Zazz the human ice
cream truck telling me to check my privilege. An ambulance dude
screaming at me just 'cause I'm trying to help. The sky is hazy so
the sun isn't hitting my eyes at that perfect angle to make them
glow. This is shit. Fucking Zazz.
I mean seriously.
He is on my payroll as my security. Me.
A guy that can not be killed by anything known to man or that one
alien race has Zazz being paid to be my security. Its stupid but I
had to do something for the poor guy. He has no useful skills other
than chewing and swallowing. Maybe he could go into competitive
eating.
We get back home and Aimee is happy
with the shirt Zazz got her using the money I pay him to not protect
me. I go and sit in the living room. We headed home with him sitting
in The Beast with me flying it with one hand while texting this soda
company because I can not be represented by, let's call them Sepsi,
anymore. Their can color goes with nothing I wear. Ronica knows
something is bothering me and sits down and pokes my neck trying to
make me giggle. I don't.
“What's wrong, champ?”
“'Champ'?”
“Trying out something new.”
“I saved that chick from that car
accident.”
“That made you sad?”
“I'm not sad.”
“You are. Your lip is sticking out
and everything.”
“Anyways, so I save her but the
ambulance guy yelled at me. Told me to let him do his job.”
“Okay.”
“But before that Zazz told me to
check my privilege.”
“Meaning?”
“I don't know but I didn't like his
tone! And...and he said he never sent a dick pic before!”
“I got the text.”
“You're welcome for that by the way.
But while we were flying around I started thinking about how stupid
it is that I'm paying him for security.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah. I mean, like, how stupid is it
that I pay him for that?!”
“You don't.”
“Uh...”
“He hasn't been on the payroll for
security for close to four years, Walter.”
“Then who am I cutting fat checks to for
that? Somebody has been making mad paper off a lie! Fraud! Fraud, I
say!”
“As one of the team of people that
handle all of your accounts I personally know every hand that is in
your cookie jar.”
“Put my hand in your cookie jar...”
“Later. Zazz makes most of his money
selling online merchandise with Aimee and none of it is your brand.”
“The fuck? He selling jewelry on Etsy
or something?”
“No, but Aimee does. He's a great
artist and has even helped design some of your designs. He asked for
no credit to be given to him.”
“Oh.” Now I feel like a dick. “Why
didn't he say anything? Now I'm mad at him again. I'm a roller
coaster of emotions right now.” Ronica pulls me in and lays my head
on her lap. “I like your legs but I'm still on a roller coaster.”
“I know you think that the world is
full of leeches that just want to suck on your famous blood, but Zazz
isn't one of them.” She rubs my cheek in this spot that makes my
toes curl. “He wants you to be the best you that you can be and
doesn't want to get in the way. Plus, you two are around each other
all the time. You're bound to fight every once in a while.”
“He can't fight me. I'm tough.”
“I know.”
“I'd kick his ass.”
“I know you would.”
“I'm a superhero.”
“Well aware.”
“Remember that time I kick a tank?”
“You showed me the video last week.”
“I kicked it good.”
“Just let Zazz be Zazz. He's has his
own money. He has a beautiful wife. And he is best friends with the
only superhero in the world.”
“Me.”
“Yes, you.” Ronica kisses me on the
eye. “Got to get them in before your heat vision kicks in.”
“You ever get any dick pics?”
“Not from anyone but you in a while”
she says. I jump up quickly.
“Who sent you dick pics?! I need
names! Full names! And addresses!”
“This was before we got together”
she tells me. “It was a terrible picture. Camera technology wasn't
what it is today.”
“Were the pubes on fleek?”
“Not at all.”
“Okay” I say. “That makes me feel
better. I don't know why but it does.”
Click here for previous Johnny Panic.
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