How Donald Trump Won And Why Its Your Fault

That is the most click bait title ever written. If you told me that I could pick between explosive diarrhea for the next four years or uncontrollable vomiting I would ask you “Can I just say no?” If you told me yes I would just walk away. I don't want either of those things. That is how I viewed this previous election with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. I saw two big problems and a small solution in Gary Johnson. “Who?” someone just asked. Exactly. People continually bitch about this two party system we have while voting for people that represent those two parties exclusively because “Go team go!” Everyone wants to belong to a team. Not me. Lone wolf up in this bitch.

You know Trump isn't a Republican right? He had to get into that party because he knows how stupid people are and they cant conceive of the notion of voting for a third party candidate or outside what they think is theirs no matter what. Folks are still washing the taste of Ross Perot out of their mouth. Before 1987 and from 2001 to 2009 he voted Democrat. From 1999 to 2001 he voted Reform. In 2011 – 2012 he was Independent. He is still Independent but he knows that wont work so he hopped on the Republican ticket. And guess what? The shit worked. He is now your President. Decades ago Hillary was Republican but we wont talk about that because girl power.

And poor Bernie Sanders got fucked over in all of this. He should have been the Democratic nominee going against Trump. Even Trump himself said “I would rather run against Crooked Hillary Clinton than Bernie Sanders and that will happen because the books are cooked against Bernie!” And they were. This isn't some Conspiracy Dante shit. Sanders, who was with the Liberty Union before I was even born wasn't even Democratic until 2015 when he needed the vote. The Democratic National Committee got into hot shit when it was discovered during the Wikileaks scandal that they actively did everything possible and discussed how to make sure Hillary was their choice. He had no chance against that, not when they know he is not truly one of them and fighting the Republicans as well as Democrats at the same time. As for anyone that kept bringing up how old he is (like me), he is 75, Trump is 70 (the oldest person to ever assume office), an Hillary is 69. Hey now.

I know that I am jumping all over the place with random information. And in case you're wondering where I got it from the answer is the same as yours: the internet. Its not just for porn. Mostly it is. But not just. This election drew a big ass line in the sand between assholes and loud assholes. I was told to pick a side and like most things in my life, when you tell me to I'll just go “Eh...nope.” I don't like either so I just stand against the wall watching the Soul Train Line pass me by while judging the outfits. Sure, every once in a while I'll be struck with an errant platform shoe of loose sequence but for the most part I am unharmed. I am. I don't know the rest of y'all so this election may have been the worse possible outcome for you, your family, your health, and/or your career. If it is you can write some long rambling bullshit about it on Facebook or your blog. I like to take the Uatu approach to most things in life. Just watch.

I want to talk about why Trump won this. Its not because of people like me that don't vote. I mean, I do normally. This is the first election I've skipped since I've been allowed to vote. The last time I got so much backlash against my voting method was when I voted for Ralph Nader. “You're wasting your vote!” I was told by multiple people. I was confused. “Aren't we supposed to vote for who we want as President?” “No! You're supposed to vote like me and stop the person I don't want to win from winning! Don't you know anything about politics?!” Apparently not. As I continue to write that will become glaringly obvious. Even writing this much bullshit regarding politics makes my asshole twitch. And not in the fun way.

Firstly, Trump won because he was running against a woman. So many people just closed this tab. I know how that sounds and I do not personally feel the same way. There are some people that would never even suggest such a thing. But accept this: there are people that would rather see a guy that was given money by his father, scumbag, sexist, likely 7 on a scale of 1 to 10 racist, been accused of things far worse than saying you should” grab her by the pussy”, and had a reality show I never watched a moment of for President than someone that does not possess a penis. No matter what you say against Trump, he has a penis. Hillary don't. That is enough for some people. There are even some women out there that wont ever vote for a woman. Making history isn't as important as voting for yourself for many people. I'm sure some Black folks felt the same way when they didn't vote for Barrack Obama.

Another thing I noticed when this campaign got into full swing was that while everyone was bashing Trump I was not hearing from anyone why I should vote for Hillary other than the fact that it wasn't Trump. I wasn't on the fence like millions were. I knew I wanted no part of this Devil's Three-way. But there are people out there begging to be shown why they should do something. Saying “Its your duty as a citizen” carries less weight than Bruce Banner. Its just something people say and expect it to work. Like “I'll pray for you” when you have cancer. Money for treatment would be nicer, but thanks. I guess. Saying that a vote for Trump was a vote to set people back or a vote for racism/sexism/ismism or whatever doesn't work. People know what is bad or good. You telling them something like that wont sway them.

There is a scene in the movie Drive that has stuck with me since I saw it. Ryan Gosling shakes hands with the bad guy. But before he does he tries not to by saying “My hands are dirty.” The guy replies “So are mine.” That is how I feel about Hillary. By the way, for anyone getting upset I keep calling Hillary by her first name and Trump by his last name you need to get a hobby to distract you from rage. Clinton used to be the hillbilly dude whose hair turned as white as the house he lived in for eight years. Anyhoot, Hillary is not just some motherly woman who happened to be married to Bill Clinton and decided to get into politics. This woman is super dirty and no one bothers to check up on her past. Their pasts are connected because they have been married years before I was a bad twinkle in my fathers malt liquor soaked eyes. I'll list a few of them. There are a lot of “gates.”

During multiple sexual harassment allegations made against her husband Hillary said “Bill and I have been accused of everything, including murder, by some of the very same people who are behind these allegations...So from my perspective this is part of a continuing political campaign against my husband.” He would later admit to these but not before Hillary made it a side job to try and ruin one of these ladies life. Others include Filegate, Vince Foster's death, Travelgate, Whitewater (whom Hillary sent Maggie Williams who was her chief of staff and Patsy Thomasson who was in charge of White House administration to gather any evidence against her and her husband immediately following Foster's death), Emailgate, Chinagate, lying about being under sniper fire in Bosnia, Pardongate, shady Tyson Food's deals, that fucking tape where she laughs about how she defended a child rapist when she was a attorney, the Clinton's support of Ranbaxy as it sold AIDS/HIV drugs that were useless to third world countries with Dr. Kathy Spreen stating during a conference call “Who cares? It's just blacks dying.” The attacks in Benghazi where Hillary has been accused of being in dereliction of duty due to her cutting back on security which led to the deaths of four Americans. She was given memos about the upcoming attack a week and a half before they occurred but when talking said the attacks were because of “rage and violence over an awful Internet video.” And finally Giftgate. I knew there had to be one more “gate” in there. If you are ever bored look up one or two of these topics.

Both of these people, Trump and Hillary, are terrible people to me for different reasons. But for people to blast Trump for being an asshole while placing a halo on Hillary does a disservice to yourself. People go to the same websites and radio shows for information about who they should vote for knowing who they will be told to vote for and what propositions they should choose because it feels good to be a part of a team. I've never been one to be part of a team. I like being alone, I like playing alone, I like orange chicken and rice in my bed alone. When I hear something I find multiple sources discussing it to try and see each angle. Its like asking your mother if you are pretty. They will tell you yes unless they are my mother in which case they will point out every character flaw you have ensuring they are placed in nursing homes where catching hands is a lunchtime activity.

My friends and people in my life don't agree with everything my goofy ass says and for the most part tell me that I am consistently not trying, full of potential, or afraid of success, or want me to not be me while being me (which is confusing). I just say let me do what I want to do until I die from heart disease or from a cop that would rather put a bullet in my chest than bend over to handcuff me while I'm on the ground. I'll never tell anyone how they should vote or whether or not they should. Know why? Because its their fucking business what they do. I don't really care what you do when I'm not around. I would prefer you not drop n-bombs around me, stink, spit, cough without covering your mouth, chew with your mouth open, flirt with me without action, ask me for a favor when we ain't talked in a while, or be boring. That is pretty much all it takes to be my friend.

And another thing I wanna mention. Don't act so ugly. My god. Before Tuesday when Trump winning was a far away fear like dying of old age when you're 19, people were so gleeful and ugly about it. They were ready to find the one or two people silly enough to admit that they were voting for Trump and just laugh in their faces all morning. “We're all voting for Hillary! Dump Trump! Am I right?” No. All those people that kinda smiled at you? The ones that didn't cheer quite as loud as you when Hillary beat Bernie? The ones you don't actually talk to because they are outside your pay grade? The ones you assume vote like you because you have the same skin tone and live near each other? Chances are they voted the opposite of you but unlike you felt no need to cheer about it. They probably didn't wear their “I Voted” sticker either. They treated voting like butt sex. You may get to do it every few years and when you do there's no need to brag about it because the idea of it is far more fulfilling than the actual act and the ones that talk about it loudly are usually called the things they are entering.

I am a fucking poet.

So everyone get high be it on marijuana or prescription pills. Drink but do it at home or make sure you don't get behind the wheel of a vehicle. Have fun when you can. Get in a float tank. Don't show up to work complaining about how it feels like you were just there. Read a good book. Don't text while driving. Eat some bacon. Have a bowl of ice cream. Stop drinking orange juice in the morning. Walk at least half an hour a day. Tip your server. High five a kid. And remember to smile even though we will have a fuzzy orange man as President that is the color of an Otter Pop the sun will still rise tomorrow and the day after. I'll leave you with the words of George Carlin who got me ranting in the first place.

“I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long time ago. The shit they shovel around every 4 years *pfff* doesn't mean a fucking thing. Secondly, I believe if you vote, you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around – they say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain', but where's the logic in that? If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote, who in fact did not even leave the house on election day, am in no way responsible for what these people have done and have every right to complain about the mess you created that I had nothing to do with.”