The Seven Friends Your Friends Have

Whenever I write posts like these a bit of myself is in some of the personality types I'm shit talking. I do not have many friends. I have people that think they are my friend or closer to me than I have actual friends. I know that I am not an easy friend to have because I have a set of rules that I do not break and if I do it is because that ass was just too good to pass up. I know it is annoying and aggravating to my friends and people getting to know me like when you wonder why Batman won't just kill The Joker.

It's because Batman doesn't kill!

So in this post I am going to talk about The Seven Friends Your Friends Have. I write this knowing that I am some of these things to people at least for the time being. Hell I might be all of them. Meeting the friends of your friends can be either exciting or terrifying depending on what they have told you about them or given you a heads up like “Susan is a close talker.” If I meet someone's friend and they are cool I know that I'll end up being a better friend than my friend if I want. It's happened. It's not pretty.

The Mysterious One

Who the fuck invited this guy to the party? He's just sitting in the corner not talking to anyone. Once in a while he'll stare at his phone, sigh, and put it away. Maybe his Uber is far away. Maybe someone just sent some bad news. This person usually comes to parties from a sense of obligation. They always come because your friend goes to their parties. It is a form of false support. If you try and talk to them you'll quickly discover why they are sitting alone. They are unhappy and this party or gathering is doing nothing but shining a light on their loneliness and the fact that you spotted it from across the room and decided to try and make it better is making it worse. You should probably ask your friend about this person before approaching because sometimes they flip a switch and stick with you the rest of the night just casting a sad cloud over the evening.

The Perfect One

This person is smarter than your friend, better looking than your friend, and more interesting than your friend. Why is it that they barely talk about them and this is your first time meeting them? For all the reasons I mentioned above. Your friend knows all this and they know if you get close to them that they will become someone that you use to talk to. This is not the fault of The Perfect One. They are just naturally able to draw people in and have good conversations with them. You will start to go to more parties hoping to see them again and over time realize that you may see them once a year. Know why? Because all the reasons I mentioned above. This person has a lot of friends and is cool with a lot of people. You want to be their new friend but that is close to impossible. Learn to be okay being in the orbit of the sun because if you get close you may get burned. No one is for reals perfect and the closer you get to this person the more flaws you'll notice.

The Flirt

You have met this one multiple times and it took awhile for you to realize that this person is not into you. You are just something to occupy time during gatherings. You will say you should hang out together some time and they respond enthusiastically. “Of course! It'll be so fun!” But it does not happen. It will not happen. It doesn't really stick until they ignore you at a party because they are dating someone and when they are single again they are all over you. You look at it as someone attractive that is a friend of your friend so you could maybe become their friend and then date. It's perfect! But nah. Just remove yourself from the situation. The sad and scary thing about these types is that as soon as you pull away they will want you more and the next thing you know they are messaging you to hang out this weekend. Stupid you will get excited about the tables turning and cancel all your plans for the weekend...only to be left hanging because something came up and they won't be able to hang out. Maybe next time? This person just wants to be chased but never caught. They're like a fox with dolphin skin covered in baby oil. I shouldn't write so early in the morning...

The Jokester

This is the friend that your friend describes as funny. When you hang out they can not stop talking about how funny this person is and how they laughed so hard that one time they almost threw up and shit their pants. Hell. You can not wait to meet this person...until you do. You totally could have waited. What your friend didn't tell you was that this friend is funny when one or both of them are drunk or high. That the friend was having a really good day and feeling groovy as all get out. You meet them when half the staff has been laid off at their job. They are fighting with the person they are dating. Or they are just in a mellow mood and not feeling like cracking everyone up. This friend knows that there is an expectation to be hilarious and that pressure can turn them into The Mysterious One real quick. I have met my friends friends and when they start off with “So-and-so told me that you're so funny!” I shut up faster than a parrot at a cat party. I will tell you right now, I am not funny. I have never described myself as funny. When someone calls you something you feel you're not defense shields get raised 65%. “Oh, great. Now I gotta perform. I was looking forward to staring at that chicks legs for the next two hours...”

The Useful One

This is the one picking up plates and dishes so that the host does not have to at the end of the night. You might think your friends friend is being anal about keeping things together when in reality your friend may or may not know that the entire night they were being helped out. This friend is usually the first to arrive and the last to leave without making a big deal out of it. You may think that they have some ulterior motive when in reality they are not in a rush to leave or searching for some fresh ass at the party. They aren't ignoring everyone but they aren't exactly being very social because they can not 100% get into the gathering because they are on the lookout for potential disaster. When you get too close to the china cabinet they mysteriously appear next to you. When you are holding three drinks they offer to take one from you. This friend is the reason that your friend can float around the house talking to everyone and they will notice if you do even the smallest bit to help out. On the flip side this friend can easily be the most annoying bastard in the house policing every action. It is a fine line to walk and you shouldn't try to be this friend unless you know how to keep your own house clean.

The Internetter

This is the one that starts off a conversation with their phone in the hand and a question on their lips. “Have you seen the video of...?” and the next thing you know the next half hour is spent with you pinned to a wall being forced fed videos of cats falling, cars crashing, and people vanishing down elevator shafts. All night they are taking pictures of everyone and tagging them because THE WORLD MUST KNOW WE ARE NOT AT HOME. They also tag you in pictures where they look great and you are about to sneeze without asking permission. Oddly enough these same people will talk about how social media stresses them out and how they quit Facebook...for two days. “I need it to keep in touch with friends and family!” because fuck calling on the phone, right? So much of their being is dependent on technology and social media that without it they are not quite sure who they are. They are not funny unless they have something funny to show you. Not smart unless they show you a smart article. Not political unless it has the proper hashtag attached. These people will spend more time taking pictures on a hike than hiking because if they sweat it'll ruin the shot. They will see some Trump news online and stop you mid-conversation to talk about it because there is nothing more fun than talking about the president at a party! If there was a “like” button in the middle of their forehead they would love for you to press it.

The Old One

Who invited their father to the party?! This person is someone that you have met a few times and wondered what the hell was going on. They are at least fifteen years older than anyone here. If they stay past 9pm they start yawning and checking their watch. They tell you where you can and can not go in the house even though they don't live here. At first you thought they were like a surrogate father to your friend until you find out that it is just a coworker that your friend feels bad for because people treat them different because they are older. You try and be this friends friend until it dawns on you that the age gap is not the problem, this friend is the problem. According to them everyone in your demographic is the issue with society. You stole their jobs with technology. You can't stay off your phones. You don't know how to talk to each other. That's right. As you try and talk to someone they will use that time to complain about people not being able to talk to one another. I like old old people. As I got older I realized that what I considered old is now deceased and and what is now old is pretty shitty. They are just the people that were adults when I was a kid just aged to angry. They know just enough about the present day and how things work to be mad about not being able to use it and they will let you know any chance they get. Or they try to act your age, add you on Facebook, and start liking pictures from 2008.

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