People Magazine announced that Idris
Elba was the Sexiest Man Alive for 2018 and the world collectively
went “Of course.” I can't think of one person that would disagree
with this. “I do!” the guy in the back shouted. Look. I'm not gay
but if Idris made a move on me I wouldn't react that way I would if
some dude at work or on the street hit on me. What I'm saying is that
there would be some internal struggling and dialogue happening. “I'm
not gay. But this is Idris Elba. But I'm not gay. Right?” Look.
There ain't nothing wrong with admitting that another guy is good
looking no matter how straight you are. I am also fully aware that if
I was talking to some lady and Idris walked into the room I would
suddenly disappear. I would become this tall dark barrier keeping her
away from a slightly taller barrier. And way better looking. And
cooler.
Yes, I say slightly because I take
solace in the fact that he is two inches taller than me and I am
petty as fuck. When a lady says she is into a guy the first thing I
look at is how tall he is because in a lot of cases I can go “Well,
at least I have that.” I do not have the body. The rugged face. The
accent. I mean, I have an accent, but it is a regular ass accent
where I sound like I learned English from watching too much TV.
Because I did. If I looked like Idris I would be swatting draws away
from me like flies on a country porch. But according to him a few
years ago this was not the case. In an interview he said:
“Look, when I wasn't on television or
in films, I didn't get any special attention when I went out. Some
beautiful people always attract attention. I didn't until I got on
television. So I'm on these lists only because I'm on television. It
happens to me all the time, still. I'll sit in a pub and nobody will
recognize me. I might see an attractive woman, but she doesn't
recognize me, so I'm not getting any love. Then one person goes, 'Oh,
it's you,' and suddenly, they all overhear and start asking
questions. It's bullshit.” Take that you wicked city women that only start paying attention when a guy has money! Take it!
As for his love life that shit is all
over the place. He has two kids, a daughter that is 16 and a son that
is a baby. He has also been married about three times and currently
has a fiance. I have seen all of his ex's and there is zero
consistency. He does not have a type that he is into. One of those
things that keeps women all hopeful. Women see some guys ex's and are
like “Oh, all right. He is into blondes. Alert the beautician!”
and next thing you know they are walking around with a burnt scalp
trying to be something they aren't. Earth: no matter what you look like there is someone who wants to jump on you so hard you time travel. Stop trying to be different.
Idris is also 46 years old and born in
September for you nerds that are into astrology and base your lives
on when someone was shot into this current reality from the body of a
woman. What day in September? Look it up. You on the internet. He
looks great for his age. “Black don't crack!” someone who does
not realize that's not a compliment shouted. Or maybe he takes care
of himself. There is no maybe. Son of a bitch has abs. I have never
had an ab in my life! Or maybe I do now. Maybe my stomach is just one
big ab waiting to multiple. Yeah. I'm gonna go with that. One big
soft ab just waiting for a moment to shine. This list is not
something to be taken too seriously. I mean, Nick Nolte won it in
1992 and Harrison Ford won it in 1998. Last year Blake Shelton won
and that makes zero sense. That man is not sexy I don't care what you
say. Shut up. You're wrong. Deal with it. There are some dudes that are attractive to others and I just can't wrap my head around it. But with Idris I get it. We all get it. Or want to...
Click here for previous Dante Bitches
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment