Dante Vs. Nature 78

Bearded Vulture. Hey, look at me! I'm a living nightmare! There are enough creatures to keep me out of the water, the land is barely tolerable, and now I gotta worry about this bullshit up in the sky. This looks like something a kid with parents going through a nasty divorce would draw. Like a straight up creature from a movie. Look at that shit. I don't like it. Their wingspan can be anywhere between seven and a half to nine feet in length and fuck every foot of that. The old name for this is bone breaker which is not a name that should be used outside of porn. Their diet consists 90% of bone. Just straight up eating bones. What the fuck just sits there eating bones? This monster. They find bones, no matter how old they are, and just fly high and drop them to the ground. 

They also kill all kinds of things but tortoises seem to be their favorite to pick up off the ground and drop to their death. They also eat smaller birds by beating them to death with their wings. Wings are to get places for birds. They aren't like their arms or anything. It would be like using your bike to kill dinner. These live for about 21 years and in captivity can live to be 45 so...yeah. Thankfully these little assholes don't live here in the U.S otherwise that whole Blaxit thing would start sounding better. They have some in Africa too? Shit. Even the bible says these are not birds you should eat. I can't get down with any bird I can't eat.

The Andean Condor. I don't like creatures with random dingle dangles on their bodies. Turkeys barely get a pass from me and that is mostly just because they make me laugh when I hear the sounds they make and taste great those few times a year I consume their flesh. These sons of bitches live over 50 years and over 70 years sometimes. That's super unfair. They can have a wingspan of almost 11 feet in width which is fucking ridiculous. 

Can you...can you even begin to imagine? You just walking down the street minding your business. Probably just got some ass. Feeling good about yourself. Next thing you know the sky darkens and you look up and this fucking thing is hovering above you. This doesn't even obey the laws of nature. In most cases the lady animal is bigger than the dude animal. Not flappy death bird. Dudes are bigger. It eats mostly shit that is already dead and found and prefers to eat big, dead things. It lives mostly in South America so I am safe from it at the moment. Oh, another thing I found out about this nonsense of the sky? It shits all over its legs. On purpose. It's not like your nephew who just has absolutely no home training because your sister Lisa is too busy practicing “self care” to teach him how to pee properly! Get a job, Lisa! They poop and make the pee pee so much on their legs to cool off that it changes the way their legs look. I mean, come on with the come on! Science is confused why they even do this because they live in cold climates and that is some weird shit that only birds that live in hot places do. So they're weird and nasty. You can't be both. That goes for nature and humans.

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