I was chatting with my cousin this morning about dating after I sent her a funny video. It got me to thinking that I should write a blog post about how to date. I say this as someone with very little dating experience in my 45 years on this planet and zero game when it comes to talking to women. Let me be specific. Women I am attracted to. I will straight up let a woman walk right on past because I don't wanna waste her time. What I mean by that is that there are certain women where even if I find them attractive I feel as if I can not contribute anything to their life. I make this decision in a moment, by the way. But on the other hand 99% of my friends are women so I do have the ability to speak to them like a normal human being which is what most of them seem to enjoy. Not just talking to them because I want to take them to Bonetown, USA. Population: Us. I will try to break this down by men and what they should or shouldn't do and then the same for women. If you follow my instructions worse case scenario you end up with a new friend with no romantic connection that you will have to explain to a future girlfriend. "I assure you we never had sex!" God. I've had that talk more times then you could imagine. This information I use as examples is from listening to the women folk and from my own personal observations.
Be Interesting!
Men. This one...I swear y'all seem to be lacking in this area. I know there are dudes that can get by based on just their body, a beard, or their style. But god forbid you try and have a conversation with them. You guys have zero shit to talk about. Sports? Clubs? Sex? Cool story. If you are trying to just sleep with someone just do that. Don't try and trick a woman into thinking its more than that when its not. The shit is called “interests” for a reason. If you are into playing video games for hours on end please don't waste a lady's time that is not into that shit. I used to play video games for 16 hours a day. Why? Cause I was single. I would never inflict that on someone now.
If you got offended by anything I just said chances are you got a problem with internet strangers with a blog site he ain't touched in a long ass time. What the fuck makes you tick? That is an honest question a lot of guys need to have with themselves. Maybe its work. (boring) Maybe its getting a degree. (yawn) You probably weren't dull when you were a kid. You had a love or passion for something and then one day someone made fun of you and you stopped...to get ass. Next time you're at a gathering find that special girl and explain why Megatron was cooler than Galvatron. I have a hard time talking to guys. I grew up with three older brothers and almost nothing but guy friends in school. Over time I realized that many guys just do not know how to speak to something they aren't trying to fuck or want to speak about some random, broad topic that I'm not interested in (chit chat) as to not get caught in a lie or not look cool. Instead they come across as boring.
Women. Some of you are pretty...and that's it. A pretty plate with nothing on it. A woman can be attractive as all get out and I will just say she is wack. There is a proliferation of wack ass women of all ages running around thinking that shit is cute when it is very much not. So afraid of being their real self that they imitate what is hot at the time and forget who they are. No real interests other than being pretty and looking good. I have known and met plenty of pretty women where after trying to pry some actual information about them I just gave up and got called gay later. I'm not gay. You were just dull. I spend hours talking on the phone every single day and my life and job are not close to exciting. If you don't have something about yourself that you can talk about for five minutes TED Talk style and be interesting chances are dudes are picking up on that real quick and leaving you confused as to why they're not texting you back except for sexual reasons.
Social Media
Men. What does your social media pages look like? Is it just pictures of you alone? Pictures of you are parties? Surrounded by women? You and the boys drunk as hell? Old pictures of ex's? If a woman you liked found your page what would she say? How would she feel? You look at my page you would know pretty quickly that I am nerdy as fuck. Just music I make, bead art, and photos of me fighting monsters. Yet I have a girlfriend. Go figure. Your page is a reflection of you. You put them images up. You can't blame a girl for asking if the woman twerking on you at a party was someone you dated. On the other hand if a guy doesn't have social media he lying to you. He has at least two under different names and doesn't want you to find that shit. He is hiding something. I'm dead ass serious. If a man doesn't have at the very least a Facebook page you need to sleep with one eye open because you are with a sociopath. “I'm just not into social media.” Whatever, liar. I need to add that if a guy has a picture of himself holding a cigar and wearing shades he is diabolical and you need not waste your time talking to him.
Women. How's your page looking? If its a lot of images of you in bikinis some dude is touching himself to your photo. Its a dude you do not know and have never met. Got a picture sticking your tongue out? Same. Except he has probably tried to DM you but your page won't let his message through. I see women post stuff online that I would never want my lady or any of my women friends posting. One because I am a prude in a lot of ways. Two because I don't like the idea of men lusting after them that way. Also, a lot of guys wanna see what a woman looks like naked and use it as a game of chase.
But why bother when he can just click on your page and see it for free with no commitment? He don't even have to talk to you or know the sound of your voice. There are your titty balls. There's your ass. There's those leggings that are far too revealing and he can tell you just shaved but your friends won't tell you because you'll get mad at them. There's your ex boyfriend because so many women still talk to theirs as friends. Guys do too but usually hoping their ex will get drunk and wanna touch their dick again. I'm just saying be cognizant of what you are attracting. Not saying you can't post whatever the hell you want because we live in a free society and all that jazz and no one can stop you from being you. But seriously. So many dudes touching themselves to your pictures. Whatever, right? Girls night out!
Honesty (And How To Deal With It)
Men. This one came from my bestfriend...who is a woman! Honesty is important in all aspects of life. Most times people lie because they are afraid. Don't want to admit that though, do ya, fella? But its true. Guys will lie about how much money they make so they don't seem broke. They will lie about past relationships to seem like they were never wrong (not every fucking ex was crazy). They will lie about even having kids. That is some wild shit I will never understand. I watch Ready To Love with my lady and this one dude on there acted like he was cool with not having kids because this big booty woman already had some and said she wanted no more. He was like “Cool. I'm good with not having kids of my own!” She fell for it. Meanwhile another woman who has no kids says she wants some one day and he is like “Cool. I want kids!” Now why did he lie to the first woman? Because he didn't want to “lose” her. He never had her but he didn't want to ruin his chances of seeing that big booty again so he played in her face on national television.
On the flip side of that a guy has to be able to take someone being honest with them and not take is as an attack. I am very guilty of that at times. But then I look at who is being honest with me and realize that its not coming from a place of anger but of concern or love I feel better. For years my friends were telling me that I was fat without saying I was fat (fearing for my health). They encouraged me to drink water. Not eat just beef and drink orange juice and soda. I took it as a challenge to not do what they said instead of accepting their feelings towards me. I was a dumbass. And if you not circumcized say it before your draws come off. Had to add that.
Women. This is a hard one. When you like a woman it sucks telling her something about herself that you fear will upset or offend her. I have had an ex get mad at me for asking how her outfit (that fit horribly!) looked and I said “It looks off.” I could have said it a hundred different ways but to me at that moment it was what came to mind (and true because it looked “off”). But I know that women like to ask questions they know will get a response and the response is not what they want so they will keep asking until you just have to ask “What do you want me to say?” Its a weird, aggravating game that does not get easier with age.
One thing women are not honest about is past relationships. The guy friends where they went on a few dates? They had sex. Like, weird sex that he brings up when they are drinking together and she giggles thinking of trying to get you to do some of those things but you're a square. I know people have their own personal definitions of relationships and dating. To me I have settings.
Dated. Went out however many times and realized that it wasn't working. Became friends instead or blocked them entirely.
Messed Around. A fuck buddy. Didn't “date” so much as meet up at one anothers place and had the sex.
Relationship. Lasted a long while such as months or years. Didn't work out.
If you are with a new guy you shouldn't be afraid to mention he exists to your old one unless you deep down know that the old one is staying in touch because there is a small chance you two could get back together (which is the case for most guys sticking around). If you are afraid to mention the new guy in your life you should be honest with yourself as to why that is. Like, have a good long talk with yourself about this. You may not be over the last guy as much as you thought you were.
Be Clean!
Men. If you bite your nails and you're over 8 years old cut that shit out. If you have to sniff clothes to know if they are clean just find an actual location for laundry that has been completed. Lift the toilet seat when you piss. Matter of fact, clean it. When was the last time you scrubbed your bathtub? Yeah, I know you don't actually bathe in the damn thing, but its dirty. Got pets? There is fur all over your shit and you're just used to it. And the smell of pet. People who have big ass dogs and litter box using cats become immune to that scent but I know what animal you own just by being near you. Air out the place! Wash your ass. Literally. Rubbing soap between your cheeks is not enough. I know there are people reading this saying “I know how to wipe my ass!” You don't. I work in a high school and I feel so bad for the women that are gonna be dating these young men because they would have been laughed out of school when I was their age based purely on scent. And trim your pubes. No woman wants to deal with that wild nonsense.
Women. Clean under your toilet seat. I mentioned this years ago and a woman I knew said “Oh, my god. I never thought of that!” You ladies never need to lift the lid so it doesn't cross your mind. A man has been to your house and his dick got softer than baby shit when he saw what it looked like under there. Shave your legs or don't. What I mean by that is that days after shaving does not feel good on hands (or a mouth). Weeks worth is better than days worth. Stop pretending your shit don't stink. Again. I work around high school students. Y'all doing bad by these girls with how you raising them. And as a grown woman you should try to keep your place a bit cleaner. I know between work and general life shit it is hard, but I have never been to a woman I have been with and saw her place and went “Goddamn, this place clean!”
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