Dante vs. Nature

Fuck nature. That’s right. Me and nature have had a tentative agreement for over 30 years now. I stay away from you; you stay away from me. But that all changed yesterday when I was attacked, that’s right!, attacked by this goddamn thing. Look at that shit from Monster Island! I was sitting here minding my business when I go to open my window and fucking Rodan is sitting on my screen. “Fuck you!” I said after my initial heebie jeebie dance. I tried to be nice. I really did. I thumped it on the screen and it just looked at me. With its cold, dead, unforgiving buggy ass eyes.

It looked at me!

With its cold dead eyes it looked at me like I was a little bitch. Dante is no one’s bitch! So I thump the bastard again. He raises his arms up like we about to throw down. “The fuck…” I said to the beast. He wants to play rough. Okay. Pine-Sol time! Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. I squirt him hoping he’s gonna be like “Oh, no! I will retreat now!” But it doesn’t. It just stays. So I set it to laser.

Psoon!

Two of his arms release.

Psoon!

He’s going down, folks!

Psoon!

And he’s down! As a grown as man one shot to my face and I am done. Don’t be a pervbot. As me and my friend are leaving my apartment what do I see? This little fucker is waiting outside perfectly fine and looking at me like its time for round two.

Fuck you, nature. I win.