Shit Got Real 2

In my last post I talked about the time I had to “grow a tail” but I had the luxury of living right near my job so I could just run home and handle business. This tale is of the first time I ever had to use the bathroom out of the house and had no choice but to venture into no mans land. This experience would have a profound effect on me.

“Where’s the bathroom?”

Oh, poor little Dante. One morning I woke up knowing that we were going to my cousins (who I still don’t like to this day) and then to the Crenshaw Mall for shopping. We weren’t getting anything for me, but I liked malls. I just hated shopping. Still do really. But only with people who don’t buy anything.

For breakfast I had a giant glass of apple juice and a massive bowl of Raisin Bran. I can already hear a few people who know me laughing. Now in all fairness, I rarely got to eat or drink either of these. My mother hogged the real juice leaving the rest of us to have punch or “drank.”

As for cereal we either had amazing stuff like Circus Fun or Krispy Kritters or when my parents wanted to be mean Cheerios and Corn Flakes. So having both of these at the same time was like having your birthday be on December 25th.

So we get to my cousins and I’m sitting in the back seat perfectly fine until my stomach makes that sound. You know the sound. Like a dog growling underwater that only happens in dead silence. It traveled from my stomach to my bowels and I knew it was go time.

I sat there struggling with what to do. Believe it or not, I grew up keeping things to myself. I debated with myself whether or not to mention this situation to my parents. After about fifteen minutes of waiting for my cousin I told them I was going to the bathroom.

Of course as soon as I step out the car here she comes. “Can I use your bathroom?” I asked to which she replied “No, we’re leaving.” Fuck. So we get into the car and the whole time every bump we hit felt like being kicked right in the colon.

We arrive at the mall and I am stuck with my cousin who is trying on shoes. The entire damn time my stomach is telling me to use the bathroom. I refuse to! Even when I was at my Grandmama’s I wouldn’t go. I’d be damned if I was gonna do it at the mall! Eventually reason (and physiology) won. My cousin asked me how some shoes looked and I said “I gotta use the bathroom!” and rushed away.

I find two people working at the mall and ask “Where’s the bathroom?” They point it out and I rush over and…it’s the ladies room. My ass is quivering at this point. I head back and say “For boys.” They laugh and tell me. Assholes.

I head inside and someone is leaving. I dive into the stall and start lining the seat with toilet paper. I’m waiting for this son of a bitch to hurry and leave when my ass says “Its now or never!” and I plop down and go into a berserker rage. The guy leaving heard part of it, chuckled, and walked out.

I was done making myself experience hell but I did feel better after I was done. But then I got to experience for the first time public restroom toilet paper which we all know is created from the devils nail shavings. I swore that this would be the only time I ever used a public restroom. Oh, silly young me!