Dante vs. Nature 3

People know good and damn well that me and nature go together like bubblegum and crackers. It’s a terrible idea but you’ve done it more than once. I write these to remind myself of why I don’t go anywhere toilets don’t flush, I cant be lulled to sleep by the sound of traffic, and why I stay the fuck out of water. Because we all know that nothing good ever happens in the water.

Japanese Spider Crab. “The Japanese spider crab has the greatest leg span of any arthropod, reaching 3.8 meters (12 ft) from claw to claw. The body may grow to a size of 40 centimeters or 16 inches (carapace width) and the whole crab can weigh up to 41 pounds (19 kg). It is the males which have the longest chelipeds; females have much shorter chelipeds, which are shorter than the following pair of legs. Apart from its outstanding size, the Japanese spider crab differs from other crabs in a number of ways. The first pleopods of males are unusually twisted, and its larvae appear primitive. The crab is orange, with white spots along the legs. It is reported to have a gentle disposition ‘in spite of its ferocious appearance‘.”

Hell. No. People say that last line about me and I know that shit ain’t true. If I happened to be in the ocean and this fucking walking Face Hugger crawled next to me the screams I make would be heard on the surface. I mean, look at that thing. And they can grow to be 12 feet. That’s like two Dante’s! Two of me isn’t good in any situation. Even sexy ones. Some people eat these which is cool. I’m all about “eat or be eaten.” Take that, vegans. Cant wait until these master land so I can be like “What did I say?! What did I tell you all?!” like some sorta ghetto Charles Heston.

Vampire Squid. “The vampire squid (Vampyroteuthis infernalis, literally ‘vampire squid from Hell‘) is a small, deep-sea cephalopod found throughout the temperate and tropical oceans of the world. A webbing of skin connects its eight arms, each lined with rows of fleshy spines or cirri; the inside of this ‘cloak’ is black. Only the distal half (farthest from the body) of the arms have suckers. Its limpid, globular eyes, which appear red or blue, depending on lighting, are proportionately the largest in the animal kingdom at 2.5 cm (1 inch) in diameter.”

Fuck this too! Its name translates into VAMPIRE SQUID FROM HELL!!! Why does something like this exist? This is nothing but proof that Jay-Zus is actually Cthulhu in disguise. Picture me swimming in the ocean trying to overcome my fear of the deep when suddenly fucking Krang pops up with its big, blue eyes and opens its hood making my ass clinch so fast you hear it. But what if I see its red eyes? It’ll see my brown eye as I swim away at the speed of sound! Its supposed to only get as big as 1 foot. Its small so it cant be dangerous, right? Yeah. Keep telling yourself that. Know what else is small? Super AIDS.

Giant Manta Ray. “The manta ray (Manta birostris) is the largest species of the rays in the family Myliobatidae. The largest known specimen was more than 7.6 meters (25 ft) across, with a weight of about 1,300 kilograms (2,900 lb). It ranges throughout waters of the world, typically around coral reefs. They have the largest brain-to-body ratio of the sharks, rays and skates (Elasmobranchii), a brain which is kept warm during lengthy dives to as deep as 500 meters (1,600 ft) in cold water. They are exceptionally graceful swimmers and appear to fly through the water on their large wings. Individuals have also been observed to jump clear out of the water, possibly in a form of communication or play.”

The only thing that would make this scarier was if it could fly, but that be ridi - - sweet baby!!! I used to think that rays were cool. They were cute, small, and even looked like they were smiling. But then I grew up and realized that these things had people sized stingers and the ability to kill The Crocodile Hunter! He managed to survive so much yet this creature was able to take him out. Anything that is 25-fucking-feet and weighing 2,900 pounds can do nothing but evil. And it swims around with its mouth open waiting for food. Or souls. Yeah. Definitely souls.