Delvin sits in the waiting room with his legs crossed, willing his penis to settle. This is a two pronged will at play. One, his doctor is a very attractive woman that is close to a decade younger than him and is the exact duplicate of a comic book heroine he masturbated to as a teen. And two, because he has a urinary tract infection that has been nagging him for two months. His closest friend Gary convinced him to finally do something about his problem after growing tired of his high pitched screams as he used the bathroom every morning.
“Come on!” Gary screamed through the bathroom door. “This has gone on long enough. If you don’t take care of your cock how do you expect anyone else to?” Gary listened to Delvin stifled a scream before shouldering the door open causing Delvin to spray the faux fur rug with a frothy stream. “You’re pissing cream soda!” Gray shouted as he dodged a stream. “You need to see a doctor!”
“I’m good…” Delvin hissed through clenched teeth. “I’ll be done…in a minute…” Beads of sweat dripped down Delvin’s nose. “Its not…as bad as it…looks…”
“Really?” Gary asked. “Because it looks pretty damned bad from here.” Gary grabbed Delvin’s bathrobe and threw it on top of the fizzing puddle. “I’m one more day of this shit away from planning an intervention. Is that what you want?”
“No…”
“Then go see a goddamn doctor!” Gary screamed as he slammed the door before opening a moment later. “This isn’t the 1700’s, D. They have made great strides in medicine. You don’t have to live with your piss looking like antibacterial soap.”
“It looks more like…Mt. Dew than anything else…” Delvin whimpered as more sweat dripped from his chin and landed on his penis. Gary sighed and closed the door and Delvin squeezed out three more drops before flushing, leaning back against the wall, and watching as the front of his underwear darkened. “Fuck me…”
Back in the waiting room Delvin thinks of all the various penile exercises he’s read about in men’s fitness magazines. If he could just cinch his peehole shut everything would be good. After ten seconds of trying he could feel his bladder quiver. His penis, almost in a fit of rage, began to vibrate. What was I thinking trying to do that? he thinks to himself. Its like trying to put air back into a balloon.
“Mr. Richardson?” the receptionist said. Delvin looked up and nodded to her. “Dr. Basir is ready to see you.”
“Thanks” Delvin said as he penguined his way to the room. He opened the door and there she was. Dr. S. Basir. He had no idea what the S. stood for nor did he care. Dr. Basir was about 5’9”, 125 pounds, with hair too dark to be her natural color. She wore just enough perfume to get your attention. Delvin loved Indian women.
“Good morning, Mr. Richardson” Dr. Basir said. Delvin’s penis was now on full alert. This is not what he wanted. Half staff would be fine, but not fully erect. “How are you this morning?”
“Good…” Delvin barely managed to say. If he were being honest he would say that he was pissing razor blades that had been dipped in lemon juice and heated in the fires of Hell. “Better than usual.” As if to mock Delvin his penis twitched, making his knees buckle. Dr. Basir caught him by the elbow and helped him lean against a nearby sink.
“Steady” she said. He was so close to her he could count her eyelashes. He got to fifteen before she moved away and picked up his chart. “It says she have been having some slight discomfort while urinating.”
“Yes.”
“For about how long would you say?”
“A week or so…”
Lies!!! his penis shouted and sent a wave of nausea through his body.
“I am going to ask you a few more questions before we get started” Dr. Basir said as she motioned for Delvin to have a seat.
“I’d rather stand, if that’s okay” he replied.
Sit!!! his penis growled. And he did.
“On a scale of one to ten, how bad would you say the pain is?”
“About a…” Delvin stopped weighing his options. If he told the truth and said that the pain was off the charts Dr. Basir would think he was a pussy. But if he aimed too low and said the pain was at a two or three his penis would start playing dubstep in his pants. “…eight.” Delvin waited but his penis was silent.
Well played.
“That’s pretty bad” Dr. Basir noted as she wrote on her chart. “And when was the last time you had sexual intercourse?”
“Uh…” Delvin knew there was no right way to answer this. If he were honest and said it had been four years he would look like a freak. Lie and say within the last month and he’d look like a manwhore. Yeah, I banged some broad in Sun Valley and a few weeks later it felt like I was pissing unleaded fuel. How about dinner tomorrow night? “Its been a while.”
Good answer.
“Now would you mind undressing?” Dr. Basir asked as she reached for latex gloves. So soon?! Delvin wondered. Weren’t there more questions to ask him? He could feel the levee staring to break. If he didn’t hurry and get this over with the pain would be too much. He quickly unbuttoned his pants and felt sweat forming on his brow.
“Are you okay?” Dr. Basir asked.
“Yep!” Delvin replied too loudly. “I’m just…you know…”
“There is nothing to be embarrassed about” Dr. Basir assured him. “Unless your dick is small.”
“Huh?” Delvin asked as his pants were at his knees. “What did you…”
“Unless. Your. Dick. Is. Small.”
“You cant say that” Delvin protested as he began to pull his pants back up. “You took a hypothetic oath.”
“Hippocratic oath” Dr. Basir corrected. “Now stop being a bitch and let me see what you got.”
Delvin woke up twenty minutes later wearing a hospital gown, a patients armband, and a weird taste in his mouth.
2 comments:
I honestly did not know penises (penii?) could get UTIs. And now thanks to your description, while reading this, I acquired a phantom one complete with infection. Ouch.
Oh, yeah they can. Its rare. I got one from my shitty diet and stress years ago. These stories are going to be a combination fiction and non-fiction. But my doctor didn't get excited about possibly seeing my junk.
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