Dante Saves You: Con Air Edition

Every once in a while I try to save you from a specific movie. I know its a departure from the aliens, monsters, and clowns that I usually try to teach you about but calm your Black ass down and hear me out. This time I'm gonna teach you how to survive one of the greatest films of all time: Con Air! Yeah, that's right I said greatest films of all time. This movie ruled so much ass they had to produce more ass for the rest of us. Unruled ass if you will.

And unruled hair!

For the three of you that haven't seen this movie (welcome to Earth!) I'll give you a quick backstory. Cameron Poe was locked up for killing a guy with his hands which, since he has all kinds of training, are considered lethal weapons. He ends up on a plane that is transporting, like, the country's worst criminals ever. One plane. Tons of lunatics. You know I'll get you out of this safely. Relatively.


Don't Be Black.

This has happened before in films like Cujo and Panic Room where there's some fucked up situation and someone has a medical condition. “There's a meteor coming to smash our ship and I cant help if you don't give me my Xanax and Cialis!” That's strike one for this guy. So don't have that. You don't want to die sweaty on a plane full of god's running gags. It's hard enough being Black in films without you having to have injections slowing you down. Being friends with Nic Cage can only get you so far.

Also, don't be the Black guy locked up for being on drugs. That's what I assume Pinball here is in for. He sure as hell isn't dangerous. And the way he gets killed is so fucked. He has a note stuffed in his pocket and shoved out of the plane landing on a car miles down. Oh, and that's after being called a “two bit Negro crackhead.” Which is not cool! So yeah. Being Black is cool a lot of times, just not on this particular plane. And yes that is Dave Chappelle.

Stay Away From This Guy.

This is Garland “The Marietta Mangler” Greene. He brags about shit like wearing a girls head for a hat while driving through three states. Yes, he looks harmless but every criminal on the plane is ready to get right the fuck off when they see him being brought in totally shackled. He seems nice and friendly enough but so did Gandhi and then you read about forced enemas and I check out the conversation on friendly little men. Forced enemas, I swear...

Uh...

If you're stuck on the plane with this bowl of Grape Nuts you can at least have a talk about music or something. Just don't fall asleep near him. Anyone that wears people will have no issue using your skull for a doorstop. If he offers something to you just politely decline. Normally I would say stomp his head in, but come on. He killed thirty people. Your jazzercise is not gonna stop this dude.

And These Guys Too.

That is Billy Bedlam. I don't even know what he is in for, but in every film this guy is in he's a total scumbag. He's the one that got a lot of the trouble on the plane started, the son of a bitch. His last name is defined as “...a place or situation of noisy uproar and confusion.” He is not your friend, no matter what his rape eyes say.

You'd hit it.

This one is Ramon Martinez aka Sally Cant Dance. I have absolutely no idea what that means. Don't let the fact that when they were off the plane and refueling the first thing he did was steal a sundress fool you. This guy was locked up for a reason and the last thing you need to do is find out its because he likes to nosefuck people in their sleep. Yeah, let's just assume its that and stay away from him.

Rape smirk FTW.

Last but not least this is Johnny 23. He is so proud of the fact that he is rapey that he gets a new tattoo for every one of his victims. In the middle of the chaos on the plane, that you had no hand in starting, he still tries to rape the only female cop. Why the fuck did she even agree to get on this plane?! Times are never ever ever that hard! Unlike this guys penis. Which he will use on you if you're not careful.

Lay Low When This Guy Is Around.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I have the only gun on board. Welcome to Con Air.” This is Cyrus “The Virus” Grissom. Why is he locked up? He did a lot of bad shit. Now he is in control of the plane your unlucky ass is on and he's looking for recruits. Just try and blend into the background and if he asks what your name is try your best not to shit yourself. He's just a man. A homicidal lunatic at 10,000 feet but still a man.

You could pretend to be just the craziest motherfucker this side of Florida. Out of all the nuts on the plane none of them are like loud and crazy. Think homeless man shitting on the bus while singing the HMS Pinafore. Do that. Right when he's about to toss you from the plane say something clever and he'll keep you on board but at a distance. Hopefully. Hey, at least you didn't get nosefucked...on the plane. Who knows what the hell happened to you in jail?

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