Fuck nature. Just when I think its done more than enough to make me want to stay away from it I go and find out some shit like this. The Brazilian Wandering Spider of the genus Phoneutria which is Greek for “murderess”, no I am not making that up, gets to be about 4 to 5 inches long and lives just to fuck with people. I asked an actual Brazilian about this thing and his reaction was like “Yeah. So.” He knew this existed and did nothing about it! There's a reason why I hate this thing so much and I'll get to that. Let's learn more about the enemy first.
Found in Brazil which comes a distant second to Australia in terms of things that kill for funsies, this thing got its name because it wanders the jungle floors at night instead of building beautiful webs we can see and avoid. “Oh, there's a spiderweb. I know not to go that way. Thanks, predictable nature!” Nope. This fucker walks around on the ground waiting to do something truly horrible...which I will get to. It is also known to hide under fallen logs, dark moist places, and near where humans live.
When they are ready to attack, meaning when you actually spot one, they have the nerve to stand on their hind legs and rock back and forth. There is video of this and it would be hilarious if what they did when they attacked wasn't so goddamn horrifying. They also release toxins that cause you to lose muscle control (meaning spasms and random shitting of oneself), fuck up your breathing by inhibiting your all kinds of shit that wrecks your neural synapses which means you now have forgotten how to breathe.
Oh, and they can also fuck up your serotonin levels causing sensory nerve damage which releases this shit called substance P (read about that shit!) making you experience a level of pain science hasn't named yet so I will just call Oh My God What The Fuck Did I Do To Deserve This pain.
Now for the worst part. Besides all the fun stuff like new pain and dying because you cant breathe anymore, this asshole also causes priapism in humans! “Oh, what's that?” you ask? It means ultra boner. Not just regular just woke up and haven't peed yet rock hard boner. This is “Call 911 now!!!” boner. Some have said that your dick can actually pop from being too hard.
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| Kind of like this! |
How come?! Were these things being fucked by humans and developed this technique like “This will show them for sticking it in my spider ass!” No. It just did it because fuck it its Tuesday and God is asleep. Fuck this thing. When it enters a room “Ride The Lightning” by Metallica needs to play just so I know to get the fuck out of the room. And just to prove we're a planet full of fucktards hellbent on finding new ways to improve our sex lives, a chemical in the venom known as Tx2-6 is being used to study erectile dysfunction. Its just not worth it.
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