Dante Saves You: Vengeful Father Edition

Sometimes people make bad life decisions. You’re running low on cash, you want to be a badass, or its Wednesday and you’re feeling saucy and decide to kidnap someone’s child. Its stupid and if you don’t know it then your friends helping you know it’s a bad decision. Especially when you have to contend with Vengeful Fathers!

Most of these guys were in a foul mood before you decided to abduct their offspring so I’m gonna try to teach you how to if not defeat them then at least run far enough away to scream for help like a three year old lost at the carnival. Which you should never let happen. Saw it on Sons Of Anarchy. It didn’t end well. Let’s get started!

So You Kidnapped Commando’s Daughter.

So you decide to kidnapped the daughter of a retired Black Ops commando. Not a regular one either. It’s a guy named John Matrix. Who the fuck is named Matrix?! A lunatic, that’s who! You don’t fuck with guys named Matrix especially if they look like they use guns like they’re household tools.

"That Matrix fella has the best looking petuniAAAAHHH!"

So why did you steal his daughter? To get him to start a revolution? That’s a terrible idea. Best case scenario he says yes and this retired psychopath rediscovers his bloodlust and turns the tables on you. And why not just threaten to kill his daughter? Why kidnap her? Its not like you’re gonna have her long enough to grow up into a beautiful woman that makes pants tighter than wet polyester.

Oh lord...

Solution.

"How dare you take my daughter to Ruby Tuesday?!"

Since you invited him into your little plot the best thing you can do is contact him via email. What? Its 1985? Fuck. Carrier pigeon. If not that then send some henchmen that you wont miss all that much. This guy is not a reasonable looking human being. An apology is not gonna stop him once he gets going. Watching you bleed to death is like a blowjob and your death rattle sounds like Sofia Vergara having an explosive orgasm.

"Knock, knock. Orange."

If you’re cornered and he doesn’t happen to be holding something that is gonna give you extra holes your best bet is to fight dirty. If there’s dirt nearby throw it in his eyes and laugh at his anguished cry. Kick him in the balls and elbow him on top of the head. You’re not gonna beat him in hand to hand combat. He’s a retired Black Ops commando. His former occupation is what its called when a guy leaves the house with no draws on! Ain‘t nobody got time for that!

So You Decided That Liam Neeson’s Daughter Needed To Be Taken.

One day you decided that getting a normal job was for squares and got into the human trafficking game. Its rough. You gotta find the girls, kidnap them, get them hooked on drugs, and then find prospective buyers of young girls hooked on drugs. Its even rougher when you kidnap Bryan Mills’ daughter.

"Where have you taken her? Astoria? Uh...you have the wrong number."

“So what?” you say to your friends. “Who the fuck is Bryan Mills?” He’s just a former CIA agent who now for fun does protection of celebrities and whatever occupation that requires him flying overseas with grenades and more guns than a…factory or some sort that makes…guns. How in the fuck do you get out of this?!

Solution.

He can smell your pants which are now filled with fear shit.

Whatever you do don’t wish him good luck in finding you after you took his daughter. Why? Because he will sit on a plane memorizing your voice before finding you and shooting you in the face. He loves guns. He isn’t recognizable without one in his hand. On his ID card there’s a gun instead of his face. You should try your best not to upset someone who instead of telling you that he will give you anything to save his daughter points out that he doesn’t have a lot of money and mentions that he has “a particular set of skills.” 

Like Death 2.5 which you don't even know about.

If you can use as many human shields as you possibly can. What’s a human shield? Anybody that isn’t you. Find those and run behind them. Don’t try and throw a punch at him. Yeah, he’s over 60 years old but if he so much as gets a hold of your thumb get right with whatever god you pray to because you are not long for this world. You know what? Just run. Run, change your identity, and sleep with a knife.

So You Decided To Set A Man On Fire.

Some guy is guarding a family, particularly their daughter. The dad is a dirty asshole and his nonsense ends up getting the daughter kidnapped. Yes, I know that this guy, Creasy, is not the father but he protects her more than any father would especially her own. Because its Marc Anthony.

In ten years you'll be able to watch what I do to the people who took you.

Once again you picked the wrong guy to fuck with. This guy is a former assassin who couldn’t do the job anymore because of a drinking problem. That’s the perfect person to protect your family. A trained killer that cant control his drinking problem. You think I’m being sarcastic but I’m totally not. This guy has nothing to lose but employment. How do you make it out alive?

Solution.

"Just come here. Its totally safe...ish."

When someone describes someone by saying “a man can be an artist…in anything, food, whatever. It depends on how good he is at it. Creasey's art is death. He's about to paint his masterpiece” you know you’ve fucked up. If I overheard that I’d bring the kid back with a pink ribbon and a two year pass to Disneyland. This guy is willing to do anything to get this child back. Including sticking a bomb up someone’s ass.

That. Happened.

If you see this guy coming at you and you know your ass is guilty just confess while running away. He plans on getting this girl back no matter what and there is no force of nature that will stop him. He gets shot and is bleeding to death through most of the movie and says “Fuck dying, I got shit to do!” and goes for a swim. You don’t mess with people that say “Forgiveness is between them and God. It’s my job to arrange the meeting.”

So You Wanted To Drive Angry.

What the fuck were you thinking? Its not bad enough that you’ve angered the blood of Nic Cage. You had to anger a version of him that wants his daughter back so bad that he broke right the fuck out of Hell! Oh, you needed her for a ritual to awaken Hell on Earth? Go to plan B! Okay, fine. You absolutely need this girl to finish your scheme. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Solution.

This is what Cage wakes up to daily.

Do not engage! I repeat! Do not engage! This is a guy that left the afterlife to get his kid back. He doesn’t have any special army CIA FBI KFC training but what he does have is a gun that can kill demons and the ability to not die. Yeah. There’s that.

His thoughts are just static with blood curdling screams every 27 seconds.

Just let his daughter go and beg. I know it sounds cowardly but so is kidnapping someone. Next time you need extra cash or want to being upon the end of the world think before you act. There is no situation where angering this man turns out well. I would suggest peeing yourself and crying but all’s that would do is make him laugh at you in the afterlife. Yeah. He volunteering goes back to Hell because he knows that if he needs to he can just get out again. You don’t need that kind of stress in your life.

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