Dante Saves You: End Of The World Edition

Last week everyone was prepared for the end of the world. At least some of them thought they were. Gathering gold, guns, and food isn’t the best way to prepare when you think the world is actually gonna end. That’s ridiculous. You think you have enough bullets to take on an asteroid? Do you?! Well, you don’t. Jackass.

I have decided to help you survive all forms of end of the world scenarios in this End Of The World Edition! Though many thought that the Mayans predicted the end of the world they were never really specific about it. I, on the other hand, am very specific when it comes to nonsense like this. So let me try and tell all you sumbitches how to survive!

So You’re In Deep Impact.

So the scientists and world leaders waited until an asteroid was pretty damned close until they decided to let everyone know because they know what we’re like. You saw how crazy folks were when the whole Y2K shit was going on. Imagine that on a global scale times ten…thousand.

You can sit there all you want and try and blame the Black president but that won’t solve anything but the mystery of why all your friends are blond haired and blue eyed. This isn’t the time for racism. Its time to figure out how in the blue hell you’re gonna keep from meeting your maker!

Solution.

Hey, how about not clogging up the streets, dumbass? You know that plan you have to jump in the car with your family? Thousands of other idiots have the same plan. So don’t do that. If a meteor is coming towards the planet driving to your summer cabin will not save you. Just stay your Black ass at home and bone until the world ends.

Maybe NASA has a great plan to blow the damn thing out of the sky. Nope. NASA can barely get into space without blowing up let alone getting up there and blowing something else up. Don’t depend on space programs. If shit is really going down by way of space rocks just stay put because chances are you’ll just have to learn to live with no daylight anymore.

So You’re On The Miracle Mile. 

You’re just hanging out on Wilshire & Fairfax when the pay phone starts ringing. You answer and its some dude crying like a little bitch saying that his company accidentally sent nuclear missiles towards California. Do you believe him? Sure. Why not? He sounds serious. Like, for reals serious. Should you warn others? Should you just run into the streets screaming? Riot? Hold random Black folk at gunpoint? All of the above?

Turns out the call is real and you’re alone except for a random group of strangers hanging out in the restaurant and some annoying ass chick that looks like she cut her hair using rope and a blade. It’s the end of the world as far as you’re concerned and you need to figure out how to get the fuck out.

Solution.

Run! I mean, seriously, I cant stress this enough. If you know a nuclear weapon is headed for your state you need to either get underground or out of the state. Hanging out in the streets is a terrible idea especially since you decided to tell everyone what was going on. There’s no need to steal shit since, you know, kaboom and all. Maybe next time, if there is one, you‘ll keep your mouth shut.

So It’s The Shaun Of The Dead.

It’s a goddamn zombie apocalypse and you didn’t even know because fuck that who has time to pay attention to the world. Suddenly you’re in the middle of a world where the undead wanna eat your brain box and all hell is breaking loose. At least you have your friends with you so, you know, yay.

Everyone has all kinds of zombie attack plans and the stupid ones involve raiding big places like Costco and Walmart to get guns. Again, guns will only get you so far when the fan is hit by the shit. So you got your friends, your family one of whom is sure to be bitten, and some melee weapons. If you don’t know what a melee weapon is just go walk into a pack of zombies and save everyone the trouble of killing you later.  

Solution.  

Stay. Put. I know that you want to go and pretend you’re Rambo but in the real world when you get hurt running past a box with a red cross on it wont heal you. If you insist on leaving the house then go somewhere that is defendable and familiar. Nothing is more familiar than my house…and yo mama’s bed! Oh!!!

Make sure that you have a group of people that can get the job done. You cant have Susie McCantshootkittens rolling with you. You have to make sure that you also have someone who can go crazy on zombies when they need to. Not someone who will run into the group because of bloodlust. You want lunatics. Not psychopaths. Yes, there’s a difference and you don’t wanna find out what it is at this moment.

So You Found Out They Live.

You’re just minding your business being an average homeless drifter when you stumble upon the fact that the world is being controlled and possibly taken over by creatures that look like aliens/ass/and skeletons. No one believes you unless they put on these special shades, not even your giant, Black friend and you end up fighting for more than five minutes.

Staying quiet will help but you’re just not that kinda person, now are ya? No. You wanna run into buildings guns blazing and sounding like a nut screaming about secret aliens and kicking ass and chewing bubblegum. Its gonna be hard to keep you alive for very long but I’ll try.

Solution.

Stay away from White women! I’m not being racist, I’m being realistic. If some pretty ass woman decides to be your buddy even after holding her up at gunpoint then you have decided that you are not long for the world. So stay away from them. Best case scenario is that you get laid…then killed.

Make sure that if you decide to roll with a militia that they are effective. Groups that know about an alien invasion but only have one table’s worth of weapons are not the right militia for you. “We’ve gathered enough weapons to take down a police force!“ Good for you. How about fucking aliens?! And try to tone down on the screaming at people to put on the magic glasses. And walking around with a shotgun.  

Click here for previous Dante Saves You.