Dante Fails At Pranks

I’m not much of a prankster. I like watching people get pranked but I don’t have the energy to sit around thinking of ways to poke fun at folks. Plus, I’m afraid of comeuppance. Or as we used to say back in the 60’s “Some get back!” We used to sit around and say things like “Man, I’m gon’ get me some get back!” which is a way of saying revenge. I don’t need that kinda stress in my life. All that being said, there were two times when I was little where I attempted to play a joke on my mother and failed.

Back in one of my early Kids These Days I mentioned how much money a quarter was to me when I was little. I was around 6 years old when I was out shopping and saw a whoopee cushion for a dollar. Farts are funny to me. Always have been always will be. What better gift to give myself than the gift of watching people fake fart? So I bought it and waited for my mother to sit down. I know that sounds easy but you have to realize that for someone to sit down they have to get up and my mother isn’t a very get-uppy person.

I waited and waited for her to get the hell out of that ugly yellow chair in the living room. Eventually she did and I haunted her for a few minutes waiting for her to sit back down. Just before her ass hit the seat I tossed the whoopee cushion and instead of the satisfying “BrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRAAAAT!!!” sound I got what sounded like a midget being choked out. It was  more of a “Unnnfff…!”

“No!” I shouted thoroughly confusing the fuck out of my mother. “Get up!” She’s looking at me like “I knew he’d lose his mind one day.” She stands up and the whoopee cushion is flattened. Upon closer inspection I saw a slice on the side. Essentially she had sealed off the fart hole with her ass and the damned thing had no escape route. It was a pranks equivalent of chewing its own foot off.

The next prank involved some toy handcuffs. I don’t remember where I got them but I do know they didn’t last long. As my mother sat in that same chair I asked her if I could put them on her. She was reluctant but I showed her that there were keys. I barely managed to get them over her wrists and smiled. A few seconds later she told me to take them off so I did.

Well, I tried.

The key broke off and I’m sure my eyes grew fives times in size because she knew something was wrong. I tried the other one and got the same result. “Its broke” I said to her. “Quit playing, boy!” she said. I told her I wasn’t and she commenced to Hulk right the fuck out!

Like this but in large Black woman form.

In one motion she broke the chain and then yanked the cuffs, cracking them. You know the sound handcuffs make when they are put on you. Oh, shut up! You know you’ve been cuffed before. It was either by the law or someone you dated who finds genitals slapping together boring. Either way I was never able to play with them again.