I fly back home and am still in a
crumby mood. Stupid cops. Stupid city. Stupid poo waving hobo. I land
and Ronica is standing on the porch with Milly floating with a tether
attached otherwise she'd just keep going up. She wouldn't die in
space or anything but space is big and finding a giggling baby in
space is hard. Trust me. It happened once.
Ronica doesn't look happy.
“Hey, sexy ass” I say to her. She
just looks at me. “Okay, fine. I screwed up.”
“Don't just say you 'screwed up',
Walter” she tells me. Whenever she uses my real name that means she
is mad at me. She's been using my real name a lot lately. “I told
you to come back home because I knew you'd say something stupid.”
“You didn't tell me to come home you
texted me” I say. Point: Me. “If you had called I would've known
you were serious.”
“You need to fly back and apologize”
she says. I laugh. She doesn't. “Don't make me call your mother.”
“You wouldn't dare” I say. I give
her my stare of smoldering intensity. Milly laughs at me totally
ruining the moment. “She's recovering in the hospital, babe. You
can't bother her with--”
“She called a few minutes before you
got here” she says. “She is feeling better and wonders why you
didn't bring your brothers to come see her.”
“Because my brothers are dick chairs”
I mumble. “I'll give her a call and then I'll strongly consider
apologizing to those stutarded cops.”
Ronica gets up and gives me a kiss on
the cheek and Milly goes straight for my hair. I pry myself away and
head inside. I head to the fridge and grab a version of Coke that
hasn't even been released yet. Probably for good reason. It tastes
like a sore shoulder. I head into the living room and flip on the TV.
There is coverage of the “robbery” I stopped earlier. I'm
stalling. I pull out my phone and call my mom.
“Hi, Wally” she says. I swear, if
anyone else ever called me that name I'd launch them into the moon.
“Hi, mommy!” I say. Ronica happens
to walk by right then. She shakes her head at me, smiles, and heads
upstairs with Milly. “How are you doing?”
“Much better, Wally, thank you for
asking” she says. “How are Ronica and Mary?” She calls me Wally
but calls Milly Mary. “You taking good care of them?”
“I take care of the world, mommy” I
say. I think she forgets that I'm a superhero.
“I didn't ask about the world, Wally”
she replies. “I asked about your family.” If she weren't my
mother I'd throw her into-- “And you'd better not be thinking about
throwing me into outer space.” Damn it.
“No...” I say. “Fine. Yes. I was.
Sorry, mommy.”
“Ronica told me about what happened
this morning” she says. “What did I tell you when you were a
kid?”
“Bitches ain't shit but hoes and
tricks?” I ask.
“Wally!” she shouts. “Watch your
mouth!”
“It ain't no fun if the homies can't
have none? With great power comes great responsibility? Love means
never having to say you're sorry?”
“Are you done?” she asks.
“Maybe” I say. “You know my
memory is crap.” My mom sighs at me.
“I told you to respect authority”
she says. Now its my turn to sigh. “I told you that because of what
you could do that people that couldn't fly, lift cars...”
“I can lift buildings.”
“...or breathe in space would be
resentful of you” she tells me. “Every time you show up that just
makes the police look like they can't do their job. I'm sure they
called for your help earlier and even though you think it was a waste
of time it made their lives a little bit easier. You still there?”
“Yeah.”
“You're special, Wally” she says. I
can hear her smiling over the phone. “Go apologize to that nice
policeman.”
“Do I have to?”
“I'm your mother so yes” she says.
“I love you, Wally.”
“I love you too, mommy” I say. “Let
me know when you want me to come grab you.”
“Please use a plane next time” she
says. “I almost threw up on your coat last time.”
“Do I look like I'm made of money?
Don't answer that. I know I do” I say.
“Bye, Wally.”
“Bye, mommy.”
I won't go into details but I did tell
the cop I was sorry that he wasn't good enough to do his job without
my help. The best part was when his kids asked me for an autograph
and his wife gave me fuck-me eyes the entire time. I can't blame her.
I am me after all.
Click here for previous Johnny Panic.
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