Just as I finished getting dressed in
my black jeans, turquoise Converse, and gray t-shirt my phone rings.
I know the number. It's the president with a small P. I ignore the
call and go fix my hair. My phone rings again and I continue to
ignore it because fuck that guy. The public thinks he is all cool and
smooth like “Ooh, look at me. My name is all crazy but I'm still
the president from Chicago.” He has a Mortal Kombat character name.
“Why aren't you answering the phone?”
Ronica shouts to me from downstairs. “You know he's gonna just keep
calling.”
“Let him keep calling I don't even
care” I say. “He probably knew that aliens were on their way
weeks ago and decided to try and be the big man and not tell me.” I
decide to check the messages president left.
“Panic, I now that you're
uh...getting my calls. I know you are. You're just being a baby. A
big ol' baby. Not answering your phone. Uh...as you know the
planet....uh....is experiencing a potential threat. From unidentified
beings. Be nice if you'd help.”
The next message was from his number
but someone else.
“Good morning, Johnny Panic. Big fan.
This is Sergeant major Lou Tracker. By now you are aware of the
threat our planet is facing. Please contact me at your earliest
convenience. Thank you.”
I like this guy so I call him back.
“Hey, Tracker!”
“Thank you for calling back” he
says. “I know you and the President are not on the best of terms
but this threat is larger than that. I'm sure you agree.”
“Maybe...”
“So far we have spotted three of
their crafts. We estimate that they are thirty kilometers in size”
he says and pauses.
“Thirty kilograms?!” I shout. “Why
is the news saying just twelve miles?!”
“Kilometers, not kilograms” he
says. “If they were thirty kilograms we would not have seen them.
So far we have not been able to translate what they are broadcasting
but the fact that they are altering our seas means that they are not
likely here just to talk. We need you, Panic.”
“Oh, all right...” I say. “I'll
go handle this is a second.”
“Thank you for your service.”
“And thank you for yours” I say.
“Sergeant Major is really fucking high in rank.”
“The highest.”
“You must've killed a shit ton of
people.”
“That is classified” he says. I can
tell he is smiling.
“From now on I only wanna talk to
you” I tell him. “The president has been acting like a dick to me
forever and I'm sick of it. Hater. He mad that Hawaii loves me more
than him.”
“I can not comment on that” he
says.
“Well tell him that I am gonna go
save the planet and that I want a day named after me. This day. I
want a Johnny Panic Day.”
“I will see what I can do.”
“Thanks, dude” I say and hang up. I
head downstairs and Ronica raises her eyebrows at me. “Don't worry,
I'm gonna go save the planet.”
“In that?” she asks and points to
my clothes.
“Yeah” I say. How dare she? “How
dare you? I'm a trendsetter. I set trends. Trends be getting set
because of me.”
“If you say so” she mutters. “Kiss
your daughter and go fight aliens.”
I grab Milly and kiss her on her cheeks
while she grabs for my hair and giggles. Zazz nods to me while
shoveling food into his mouth and side-eyeing me while Aimee gives me
a hug and foreign kiss on the cheek. Foreign people do that, you
know. Ronica hugs and kisses me on the lips. I grab her ass.
“Can we have breakfast for lunch?”
I ask.
“Of course” Ronica says. “What do
you want?”
“I want that Antwoine Fisher
breakfast” I say. “Just everything that can be considered
breakfast. Know why? 'Cause I'm Johnny Panic and gonna save the
planet.”
“Picnic!” Milly says.
“I think our daughter has a speech
epidemic” I say. Ronica just squints at me and nods.
“Or...she's a baby and that's how she
talks” Ronica says and tugs on Milly's tether making her bob and
laugh.
“You know Zazz talked like that until
he was, like, 13?” I mention. “It was embarrassing.”
“I did not!” Zazz yells.
“It's nothing to be ashamed of,
Lunchable” I say and pat him on the head. He swats my hand away and
hurts his own in the process. “Don't bruise your eating arm” I
warn him. “Love you all. See you soon!” I say and fly off.
It is a super nice day. There are
barely any clouds. Sun is shining. Big ass spaceships in the sky.
These assholes are ruining my day. I planned on doing some shopping
in New York and grabbing dinner from India. Now I have to go check out
these dicks and beat them up. Holy shit that ship is huge. I clear the
atmosphere and get a good look at the ship. It just keeps growing.
This son of a bitch is nothing but guns. These are not the same guys
I fought that last time. This thing is matte black with random red
lights blinking around it. When I get to around one hundred yards
close I hit something.
A force field!
These fuckers got a force field! Oh,
this is gonna be rad as shit! I am fighting for reals ass aliens in
space! This is that next level shit. Okay, okay, okay. Calm down. I
am getting way too hype. I wonder what they look like. X looked like
John Malkovich. These guys will probably look like Will Arnett or
something. I put my hand to the force field and nudge it. It shimmers
slightly with a red glow for a moment and then my arm goes through.
Fuck it. I'm going in.
I get closer to the ship and can feel
myself being watched. Being who I am I know when I am being seen. A
yellow light shines on me and holds me in place. Well, it's trying.
Goddamn tractor beam. It gets brighter as it tries to pull me into
the ship but I hunker down, as my mommy used to say, and can hear the
ship struggling. Then I hear some voice.
“Impressive” it says. “That beam
can move mountains from thousands of miles away.”
“Cool, y'all speak English” I say.
“Do you come in peace?” I ask. Learned that from movies.
“No” the voice replies. I was not
expecting that. “How many of you are there?”
“Like, humans?” I ask.
“No” it says. “You.”
“There's only one me” I say and
suddenly the entire ship lights up red and a shit ton more ships
appear.
“Good” he says. “Then this should
not take long.”
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck...
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