Dante vs. Nature 2

Many of my friends know that me and nature don’t get along. I stay away from it and it stays away from me. Every once in a while it’ll send evidence of its existence to my immediate area and I have to bitchslap it to remind it just who the fuck I am like with that cricket from Hell. I made a list of proof that nature is a careless beast that creates things just to personally fuck with me.

Cassowary. “The cassowaries are ratites, very large flightless birds in the genus Casuarius native to the tropical forests of New Guinea, nearby islands and northeastern Australia. The most common of these, the Southern Cassowary, is the third tallest and second heaviest living bird, smaller only than the ostrich and emu. Cassowaries feed mainly on fruit, although all species are truly omnivorous and will take a range of other plant food including shoots, grass seeds, and fungi in addition to invertebrates and small vertebrates. Cassowaries are very shy, but when disturbed, they are capable of inflicting serious injuries to dogs and people.”

That last sentence sounds like me. Just look at this fucking thing. It’s the size of a grown ass man and can kick. Not only does it kick but it has bladed feet. Like for real points that can cut you open. Thank Galactus it cant fly! Could you imagine if this beast had the ability to descend from the heavens? It would snatch you up a hundred feet and drop you just to hear you scream. It lives primarily on a diet of “Man Fear.” I’ve even included a video of this thing attacking someone. You can look at it by clicking anywhere in this sentence. I’ll be right here. Finished?

What the fuck was that?! Its relentless! Its not like it knocked the guy over and walked away. He had to hop the fence to escape! And the other employees just ran in circles with their hands in the air. No one gets paid enough to deal with that kinda shit. This is just one of many examples of Australia saying “Fuck you” to the rest of the globe.

Atlas Moth.“Atlas moths are considered the largest moths in the world in terms of total wing surface area [upwards of c. 400 cm2 (62 sq in)]. Their wingspans are also amongst the largest, from 25–30 cm (10–12 in). Females are appreciably larger and heavier. Atlas moths are said to be named after either the Titan of Greek mythology, or their map-like wing patterns. In Hong Kong the Cantonese name translates as snake's head moth, referring to apical extension of the forewing, which bears a passing resemblance to a snake's head.”

Nope. See how big that is? I bet it makes a sound. When people picture butterflies they get all warm inside thinking of these cute colorful little things floating through the air in their chaotic ass way. Seriously, have you ever really watched a butterfly in flight? If birds flew that way you’d call them retarded. Its just random ass nonsense. I’m surprised they ever get where they’re going. But this damned thing. Geez. It looks like it would land on your chest and rip your hair out while giggling. There is absolutely no reason for a butterfly to be this goddamn big.

Anglerfish.“Anglerfishes are members of the teleost order Lophiiformes. They are bony fishes named for their characteristic mode of predation, wherein a fleshy growth from the fish's head acts as a lure; this is considered analogous to angling.”

Oh, fuck this thing. I guess the name "Face Fucker Of The Sea" was taken.That is real. The anglerfish has many forms and each of them is the kinda thing that makes the Devil wake up in cold sweats. If I saw this in the ocean I would hope the brown and yellow cloud I create would offer enough cover for me to get away. They say it eats just small fish. Yeah, right. That’s the kinda shit you tell people so they continue to go into the ocean and get eaten by these monsters. Know why? Because if they have to search for food they will grow legs and then that’s the end of us.

Tasmanian Tiger. “Like the tigers and wolves of the Northern Hemisphere, from which it obtained two of its common names, the thylacine was an apex predator. As a marsupial, it was not closely related to these placental mammals, but because of convergent evolution it displayed the same general form and adaptations. Its closest living relative is thought to be either the Tasmanian devil or numbat.”

They say this thing is extinct which is the only reason I can sleep at night. Just look at this picture for a moment longer. Imagine that coming out of the bushes. Even if it were offering me some candy I would start crying and shitting at the same time. Know why the picture is in black and white? Because this thing is so evil it absorbs all color! It has the fur of like eight different animals. Its not even a tiger. They just called it that for funsies. And do you know what apex predator means? It means its at the top of its food chain! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Blobfish. “Blobfish live at depths where the pressure is several dozen times higher than at sea level, which would likely make gas bladders inefficient for maintaining buoyancy. Instead, the flesh of the blobfish is primarily a gelatinous mass with a density slightly less than water; this allows the fish to float above the sea floor without expending energy on swimming.”

You know how people ask the question: If you could ask God one question, what would it be? My question would be “Seriously, dude? This? The blobfish?” This ugly fucker is real and looks like someone you would sit next to on the bus. If I were swimming (which means that all land on the planet is gone) and this glided up next to me I would shit so fast my soul would come out. And why does it look so sad? It swims so far down that no one can see it. Unless some asshole catches it and posts its picture online for me to laugh at. Stupid blobfish.