Kids These Days 6

Kids are fat. I know this is supposed to be this terrible thing but I like it. When the zombies finally attack I’m gonna need them chubby little bastards to use as snacks for the hordes that will surely lay waste upon our society. People McNuggets if you will. I don’t know if you know it or not but they don’t have real cereal commercials anymore. You may see the Cheerio’s Bee buzzing around but he’s bee-ing (see what I did there) all helpful. He’s not pimping cereal anymore towards children. Its all about being healthy and helping mothers who don’t want to cook breakfast every goddamn morning for their kids.

You remember those commercials where the kid would get a full breakfast? I’m not talking about cereal, a glass of milk (which is redundant), and a glass of juice. Possibly a banana or apple. No, these breakfasts had cereal, toast, bacon, eggs, juice, milk, and fruit. Holy shit! Could you imagine what the fuck that would do to your body if you had that every morning?!

Call 911 now!!!

During the week my breakfast was a hot bowl of nothing until I got to my Grandmama’s house where I would eat more nothing. At my Grandma’s house, they lived down the street from each other, me and my cousins would drink from the communal coffee cup. We’d add so much sugar that the coffee turned a Tisha Campbell brown and head to school where we’d torment unsuspecting teachers. On weekends though…it was business time.

Mouthgasm achieved. Proceed to next level.

My mother would make a hot breakfast once in a great while. The other 363 days of the year we’d get every new cereal that came out. We’d get shit that people don’t even remember. If a movie came out we got that cereal. ET, Gremlins, whatever. They usually tasted the same but had a different shape. That shit was awesome. Was it healthy? That’s up for debate. I do have one brother who passed away from a heart attack at 32, another with high blood pressure, and another with asthma. But still. It was better than the alternative.

Your parents hate you. 

Look at that bullshit! Once in a while my mother would go on a health kick and we had to pay for it. That is Shredded Wheat. It is called what it is. Just big fucking bales of hay that they tricked the public into consuming. Two bricks would fill your bowl and they would absorb a gallon of milk in moments. If you live in an area prone to flooding just toss two boxes of this nonsense at the coming water and watch as it magically vanishes.

F-f-f-f-f-f-uck!

And that? If you put that in front of me as a child I would’ve waited until you fell asleep and set fire to you. That is bullshit. It looks like someone scraped their shoe clean after a hike. Is that grapefruit? Yes, it is! That is the worst of all fruits. Eating grapefruit is like telling your mouth “Fuck you, buddy.” Adding that to a bowl of tree is just mean. Its like being promised a blowjob by a hot chick and having her tie you down and wheeling a homeless man into the room. Where’d she hide a homeless man that you didn’t notice? I don’t know. We’re beyond logic at this point.

All’s I’m saying is let your kids eat sugary cereal. Let them enjoy life before they are thrust into soul crushing adulthood. Will they have type 2 diabetes at 16? Maybe. But at least they’ll be able to talk about that sweet bowl of Golden Crisps they enjoyed in their younger days.

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