We all like to think that we are heroes. We like to believe that if there were some major shit going down that we would place our hand on someone’s shoulder from behind and step in front of everyone and take charge of the situation. So many great stories start with someone giving the thumbs up or saying “I got this” and saving the day. But in real life? Nope. Pants change colors and cheeks get wet.
No matter how much of a badass we think we are, sometimes we get sent on missions that have a success rate of ass. So I will try and teach you how to make it out alive in this Doomed Mission Edition. The good thing about these types of missions is that there will be about five people that you can use as shields to ensure your survival. Usually the Blacker. Hey! I didn’t make the rules.
So You’re Experiencing Pandorum
So you wake up out of a long space nap. Nothing makes sense. Up is down, left is right, Asian chicks have big asses. Its all so confusing! After throwing up a few times and checking yourself for night emissions, you wander around the ship and discover that damn near everyone is missing and the only person conscious is a half crazy Dennis Quaid which means a normal Dennis Quaid. Oh, and monsters. Stone cold fuck nuts monsters. But hey. The mission is to populate a new planet with Earth’s last remaining survivors so its time to get your bubble gut in check and save humanity!
Solution
Stay away from the monsters! These things are what meth addicts look at and say “Whoa…whoa whoa whoa!” They ain’t even speak Ainglish so don’t bother wasting time trying to reason with them unless the idea of your blood, sweat, and tears being used as lubricant appeals to you. There are other survivors aboard the ship but they’re just huge fans of running away or attacking you because you waved to them. Oh, and Dennis Quaid is full on crazy now. Don’t talk to him. Hide in a locker until you land on Earth 2.0. Ta-dah! Mission accomplished!
So You Want Sunshine
The sun is dying and it is up to you and a bunch of actors and actresses that you know from other films but cant remember their names to jump start that sumbitch. How? By tossing a goddamn nuclear bomb at it, that’s how! Will it work? That’s for whatever is left alive to find out. I mean, seriously. This is a terrible plan and you know you shouldn’t have signed up for it but you believed those body spray commercials and think that astronauts get more ass than they can carry. That’s not true…I think. Now you got your crew getting crazy and a lunatic sabotaging the mission of course.
Solution
Since you’re already here I guess you should try and complete the damned mission. Mark Strong who already makes me skittish regularly has now gone full retard and is taking out crew members left and right. You cant even begin to reason with him so don’t try. He feels like chicken tonight and will do anything he can to murder you and let the sun die. His entire body is open wounds so toss salt at him. Everyone made fun of you for walking around with salt packs. Now who is the weirdo?! Not you with your living and breathing ass.
So You’re A Part Of 300
You live in a place where children are born with abs and if they aren’t they’re tossed off a cliff like a hot potato. Your king has a thing for kicking people down holes. You cant make him understand that pissing off a giant covered in jewelry that has millions in his army is a bad thing without fear of being Sparta’d.
“I don’t think we should…”
“This is SPARTA!!!!!!”
“I was just saying we shouldn’t swim so soon after eatiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing….!”
Now there is you and 299 other poor bastards that have to go fight warriors that wake up stabbing their wives and monsters that give nightmares bad nightmares following the orders of someone who is obviously on a suicide mission. How can you survive this?
Solution
You cant call out sick because you’re a Spartan and supposed to be the toughest sons of bitches to ever walk the Earth. Everyone is ripped from age 2 to 98 so you have to at least start the mission. I would suggest twisting your ankle or falling down a hill of corpses and telling everyone that you’ll catch up with them later. Let them all go die and then cover yourself in their blood and limp your ass back home a hero. Done the party!
So Its Armageddon
The world is coming to an end and its up to Steve Buscemi to save us! Oh, and you. The government sees a big ass asteroid and decides to send a bunch of oil riggers to put a bomb on it and blow it up. This has got to be one of the worst ideas ever. And the guy sending you on the mission? Billy Bob Thornton. Yeah. This is going down faster a Black man in a horror film.
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| Or you can waste time eating snatch cookies. |
Solution
Just…don’t. Don’t do this. I know this is a bad idea. You know it’s a bad idea. I mean, come on. You really think that flying into space and putting a bomb on an asteroid is a good idea? Well, its not! None of you have ever been to space. I doubt you’ve ever eaten anywhere that didn’t allow pets and bare feet. You stay your country ass at home and watch professionals handle the situation. And you know what? If sending drillers into space is the only plan we can come up with then maybe we don’t deserve to exist anymore.
So You Are In The Dirty Dozen
You and eleven other convict ass criminals are “recruited” for a mission. A suicide mission. You know what that means, right? Free cookies. Its 1944 so you know the Black dude isn’t gonna make it out alive. I’ve covered this before. Its science. So you and these other losers are dropped off into battle and are expected to complete the mission and…what? I hope you don’t think you’re gonna go free. What, are you crazy?! You’re a goddamn criminal, you scum!
Solution
Run away as soon as everyone turns their back. What are they gonna do? Kill you? You’re a felon. For serious. There is nothing they can do to you. Just run away and start a new life in another country. People do it all the time. OJ Simpson did it, right? Okay. That was a bad example. Roman Polanski. There! Just lay low, meet a nice woman, and start a family. Happy endings for all! Except ze Germans.
Click here for previous Dante Saves You.
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