Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Reckoning

I was talking to a friend recently about marriage, having a kid, and relationships and how I have retired from being in them and getting laid in general. This isn't a difficult decision if you live the lifestyle I do. It turns out that I'm more behind on the times than I thought. There are moments where I learn something new that I believed that I was well aware of. This time I am talking about bases. You know, like, when people say “Oh, I got to third base with her!” That thing. It turns out that I was sadly mistaken in regards with what action matched each base. Check this out.

“First base – mouth-to-mouth kissing, especially French kissing”

I thought first base was holding hands and hugging! Kissing is first base?! I went on a date years ago and kissed her on the cheek. What is that called, a foul ball? So right from the start this isn't looking good for me.

“Second base – touching or kissing the breasts or other erogenous zones; can be either clothed or not clothed; manual stimulation of the genitals”

Whoa! I thought this was the next base! Grabbing tits is second base? What is third base? Anal?! Jeezum Crow. This is seriously surprising to me.

“Third base – oral stimulation of the genitals”

This seems like it should be included in the stuff that second base has. By the way, I don't think oral gets as much attention as it should in the pantheon of sexual acts. It tends to be used as a threat. No girl has ever used that threat against me.

“Home run (home base) – 'full' sexual intercourse”

Okay, this one I get.

So it seems that I have been getting these bases wrong all along. I've been mixing all my bases up and starting at third base when I should've been at second while attempting to do first and somehow managing to land on a home run. I went and found some online dating questions because I love these things and because no one would ask me these questions in real life.

Do you enjoy your job? What would you do in life if money was not a constraint?

I start tomorrow and I have done it before and it is just a job. Its not fun and its not horrible. If money was not a constraint I would do what I've done for the past six months: stay home and enjoy myself. I don't have dreams or desire to fly around the world or do anything extravagant.

Are you a morning person or a night person?

Neither. I functioned the same when I got off jobs at 4pm as I did at 4am. I didn't fight the time. When I wake up I just wake up. I don't lay around in bed waiting to get up. I just do.

Is there anyone in the world you love so much that you could give your life for them?

There are a couple but I doubt they'd do the same for me. Three people I would've given my life for are already dead so that makes answering this question far less stressful than it should be.

If you had the power to just utter a word and kill someone - no one would find out and you would not be charged with a crime, who would you kill and why?

I'm not gonna say who it would be! But, yeah, I totally would. As for why, its because I embrace my inner fucked-up-ness. If you wouldn't use this ability then you just may be a better person than me. Or silly. Damn. What a power!

Do you have a role model - someone you want to emulate? Whom do you admire the most?

I think the closest to a role model I had was my late brother. He was funny, consistent, and a nice guy. As for who I admire, there are a few friends that I have that do things that are just incredible.

Do you contribute to any charity? What is the largest amount you have ever given to any charity?

I just wrote about charity recently (click here to read about how good a person I am!). Yeah, I contribute to charities whenever I am at the store and they ask. I gave when a friend posted about a child that was sick and in need of an operation. The most I've ever given was $200.

Are there any causes you strongly believe in?

Justice and mental health are he first ones that come to mind. I like the idea of justice so much that I hate the legal system. I am aware that makes close to no sense. As for mental health, I wish that more people would focus on getting theirs together instead of taking whatever pills are given to them that have all kinds of jacked up side effects.

If you won a million dollars in a lottery, what would you do with it?

I would rent a nice, one bedroom apartment or home that hopefully had a small backyard because I wanna mow a lawn. I would buy a cool pair of boots, three extra pair of glasses, and a punching bag.

If you knew you had only 2 weeks to live and death was imminent what are the regrets you would have?

Besides the fact that I have only two weeks to live? Probably that I wasted too much time in relationships that amounted to nothing but lost money, time, and emotions. That would bother me. Over 10 years of my life amounted to nonsense.

Why haven't you done anything about those regrets? How would you spend those two weeks?

I write about those regrets and talk to folks about it. I would spend those two weeks the same way I spend my life. I'm not gonna suddenly start skydiving or acting out of character. I'd just be laying in bed writing a blog and then clutch my head, silently scream, and die. I wouldn't want to have friends and the couple of family members I love watching that shit. How selfish.

Is there someone from the past you really miss and would like to locate?

This Mexican girl that I fell in love with in 2nd grade named Ruendy that I went to school with. I'm sure she has kids, a husband, and doesn't even remember who I am. But I had a serious thing for that girl.

Who was your first love?

The girl I just mentioned. Mariana is a very close second. For anyone wondering why I haven't looked for these girls as an adult...don't. I can't remember Ruendy's last name and Mariana's last name is Lopez. You know how many Lopez's are in Los Angeles?!

Who was the first person you ever kissed?

This mean, big girl that loved across the street from me when I was 13. She tried to eat my face!

If someone gave you $1,000 and asked you to kill a butterfly by burning it alive in the flame of candle, would you do it?

Sure. I know how psychotic that sounds. Its just a butterfly. You would be horrified for a minute until I talked about what movie and dinner we'd see using that dirty, burned butterfly money.

If you could take a year off an go traveling, where would it be?

Nowhere. Well, not anywhere out of the state but that would be maybe two weeks worth of the year. I have had the last six months off and didn't go any place.

Which sports do you play or watch?

I play none but I did enjoy volleyball in high school. I enjoy watching wrestling, MMA, and boxing. Pretty much any non-team sport. This here is a blog about it I write!

Which is your favorite comic book character? What do you like about him/her?

Batman. Because he's Batman.

If you could relive the last five years of your life, what would you change?

Oh, lord. That's a good one. I would've published my stories sooner. I would've looked for a steady job. I never would have dated or tried harder with one particular woman. I wouldn't have waited four years to see my family. I would have started drinking water sooner and taking better care of myself. There are friendships I never would've started and some I wouldn't have ended (yay me for having those friends back!).

Are you a virgin? Who did you lose your virginity to?

Not at all. I lost it in high school to my girlfriend at the time.

Do you watch porn? How would you react if you found your girlfriend or wife was into porn?

Of course I do! I have had a girlfriend that watched porn. I didn't care. She watched it like it was a sketch show or something.

Are there any fears you have that you would like to get over?

I hate balloons and dead birds. I can deal with balloons and I don't see dead birds often. Balloons make me nervous and dead birds make me sad. Oh, I have a fear of heights...I think. Haven't been on a plane but love high roller coasters and being in tall buildings.

Do you find yourself prejudiced or biased in any area?

Not that I am aware of. I don't like stupid people. Does that count?

Tell me five of your pet peeves?

People spitting. People coughing/sneezing without making any effort to cover their mouths. People who talk about work at parties (this is if your job sucks and you don't know it). People who are unaware of the space around them. Being asked if I'm sure.

If a genie granted you 3 wishes, what would you ask for?

The ability to fly. Transform into some kinda wolf creature. I am struggling thinking of a third wish. Unlimited funds, I guess.

Would you marry someone much richer or much poorer than you?

I'm not marrying anyone but if I did I wouldn't care as long as the rich one didn't make me feel like shit and the poor one didn't hate me because I had more.

If you could marry someone who was 80 years old and a billionaire with virtually a certainty of inheriting hundreds of millions of dollars on their demise, would you do so? What if the person were 70?

That seems like a shitty way to get rich. Maybe if she looked like Helen Mirren. That old lady is the bees knees!

If you could have sex with any three people you chose, who would they be?

What a terrible dating question. I'm not gonna name them because one or two of them may actually read this and be horrified.

When you meet someone of the opposite sex, what do you first notice about them? Which are the parts of their body that you notice?

I look down most of the time so I notice women's feet first and then work my way up from there. As for parts its legs, nails, and their hair.

Have you ever dated two girls at once without either of them being the wiser about it?

Ha! The chances of that ever happening are slim as hell. So, no.

Have you ever been arrested or charged with a crime?

I was handcuffed and had three guns aimed at me by cops because they thought I was a bank robber. I've never been arrested or charged with a crime.

Have you ever used being drunk as an excuse for doing or saying something?

I have used being drunk as an excuse for dancing.

Click here for past Why Isn't Dante Dating? posts.