I was trolling around and stumbled
across a Cosmo advice column. People write in and ask a question an
Logan Hill answers. The question that was asked was short but, my
god, was his response long. I am gonna try to trim a lot of what he
said but keep the spirit of his answer because you don't want to read
all of his bullshit. I say that now but watch how long my response
ends up being.
Question: My boyfriend asked me - yes,
asked me - for a blow job, and I suggested sex instead. He started a
huge fight because I declined his blow job request and said something
about how I never give him BJs. Actually, I had given him one two
nights before. Why was it such a big deal that he started a fight
over a blow job? And how do I stop it from happening in the future
without just giving him a BJ every day?
Logan: Obviously, saying no is no big
deal - you're right about that. It's your right to give blow jobs at
a time and place of your choosing. You shouldn't feel pressured to do
anything against your desire. There's no blow job-per-week quota. And
I think we can all agree that a counter-offer of actual sex is a
pretty reasonable compromise. But that wasn't your question. You
asked: Why was it such a big deal to your boyfriend?
There's a chance he might clam up. It's
tough to talk about sex. In case he does, I have a few thoughts: I
think this is likely less about the oral request than the oral
rejection. It can be hard for people to ask for what they want.
There may also be a subconscious
purpose to your boyfriend's anger. By getting so upset, he did two
practical things. First, he changed the discussion: Instead of
talking about his need or his hurt feelings, he made the conversation
about your denial. Maybe he's insecure and would rather make this
your problem than his.
So ask yourself, does he always react
with anger when he doesn't get what he wants? It's one thing to get
emotional once, but if it's a pattern, it might mean that he doesn't
respect your desires. Again, none of this is to say you did anything
wrong: It's not your fault. He's a big boy. He needs to get over it,
and he probably will. I doubt he'll think it's such a big deal once
he settles down and realizes not every guy gets head every time he
wants it. So what do you do in the future? Whatever you want. You
should keep saying no when you don't want to go down on your guy.
Period.
Now its my turn.
Dante: This didn't need to get to the
point where you send a letter to someone to answer. Your guy asks for
a blowjob, you offer sex instead, there is gonna be a disagreement. On a first date with someone you are way into, awesome. In a relationship, confusing. Look at it this way: he can get a blowjob that lasts for ten minutes
and feels awesome or...he can get sex where he has to move around an'
shit and come in a minute.
I know it sounds way dickish but its
the truth. Hill got way too into his answer (I trimmed over half of
his response) when it comes down to the fact that guys like having
their dicks sucked. There's no deep thought involved. It feels good.
Plain and simple. I have never asked a chick to do that to me because
I personally can not have those words leave my mouth. There's no nice
way to ask. I have had girls ask me to go down on them and had no
problem, but there's something about a dick that makes the whole
thing sound like an order. You just have to sit there as a guy and
pray that it happens.
Starting off with “My boyfriend asked
me - yes, asked me - for a blow job” is an asshole thing to say.
Like, how dare he ask his girlfriend for a blowjob?! Would she rather
he put it on her shoulder while she is watching TV...like I have done
in the past? How else is he supposed to express the need to have your
mouth on his junk? A note? Gifts as incentive? I don't know. And
pointing out that you gave him one two nights ago? Classy. You
shouldn't keep track of things like that. If your guy expresses this
need and the thought “Ugh, I just gave him a blowjob two nights
ago...” pops into your head, just break up. Its over. And why
didn't she want to do it?
Should he have gotten mad? Yes and no.
Yes, because there is no simulation to having a mouth on your wang.
Sure, he can jerk it, watch porn, or like you suggested, have sex.
But guess what? None of those are blowjobs! They're not. They just
are not. So in that sense I can understand why he got mad. His other
option is to just say “Fuck it” and not get a blowjob or go
someplace where he can get one.
On the other side, him getting mad will
not get a blowjob. Maybe it will get him a lazy, she isn't into it
blowjob which is worse than nothing at all. And no one wants to have
sex with someone who is pouting. That shit ain't sexy! “Aw, man.
How come I can't get no blowjob? Sex? Oh, I guess...but I'm not gonna
like it!” And him saying that you never give him blowjobs is not a
good sign. That means that it isn't happening often or they aren't
that good. Or he used to get a shit ton of them from you in the past
or from earlier relationships where he was in Oralville, population:
him.
As for “how do I stop it from
happening in the future without just giving him a BJ every day?”
Please. No one gets a blowjob every day in a relationship that lasts
until marriage. In a past relationship I was having sex every single
day for almost two years. In another it would be maybe three times in
one year. In another it never happened. Not once did I expect or
think I was owed to give or receive. Any hand on my junk that isn't mine is always a surprise. If you don't want to give a
blowjob then don't. You don't have to offer a consolation prize of
sex. Me and this Hill fellow came up with the same answer. I just
added a dash of Asperger to it like I do.
Here is a quote from a Chris Rock standup. “You know if you got the crazy,
need-a-blowjob-all-the-time man. So sometimes you gotta save your man
from himself. So you know what happens if he don't get his medicine.” A guy is gonna get a blowjob however he can or he is gonna get mad. Or just shrug and hope for better luck next time.
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