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I'm sitting on the floor just waiting to be able to move again when Google sits down next to me. He just looks at me, smiles, and hands me a juice box. He holds his up, we tap them together, and he starts sipping. I go to insert my straw and the damn thing breaks. I inhale deeply to release an anguished cry when he sticks another straw in my face. This guy is like an angel.
“Who are you?” I ask him. He just shrugs and continues to drink.
“No one special” he says, scratching his calf that is covered in long, curly hair. “I just like to know things.”
“Okay” I say. “Then can you tell me why Sad Sack kicked my ass?”
“Besides the fact that you accused him of rape?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, it turns out that he lost a scholarship for the same accusation during his senior year of high school” Google says. I sigh. “Exactly. No way you could've known that, of course, which is why we all need to be mindful of what we say to others.” Google begins to stand and I grab his wrist.
“Don't leave just yet” I say. “You're the first person in ten minutes not to assault me.”
“How do you make people upset so quickly anyway?” he asks me.
“It's my mutant ability” I joke. Google doesn’t laugh. “I don't know what it is. I try to break the ice with people I just met and I end up just making things worse. It's not on purpose.”
“I'd hope not” Google says. “Have you thought about not talking?”
“No” I reply. Honestly, the thought to just not speak has never crossed my mind. “I'll figure it out” I tell Google. “I don't want to keep you from doing anything that you need to get to.”
“I have all the time in the world” he says, and for whatever reason I believe him. “You're dying to know why I'm here, aren't you?”
“God, yes!” I shout which causes my crotch to flare up.
“I'm addicted to finding things out” he says. “May not seem harmful and it isn't at first. It starts with wanting to know about my neighbors. Then the people around the corner. Then the next street. Then it becomes the city. Next thing you know I'm balls deep into the emails of congressmen. I like knowing. I've never used any of the information I learned for bad reasons like money or blackmail. But the world doesn't take too kindly to strangers poking around in their personal lives.”
“I could see that” I say. “What you got on Mr. W. Scott?” I'm past curious to know more about that guy.
“Nothing” a voice says. Google drops his juice box and I pee a little bit. Mr. W. Scott is standing right in front of us and neither one of us noticed him even come this way. He looks at Google and I then checks something off on his clipboard and walks away.
“Jesus Christ” I mumble with juice running down my chin. I wipe it and lick it off the back of my hand. “He has to have been in the Special Forces or something. No normal human can move that quietly.” Google doesn't respond. “Did you know that me and his daughter are in love?”
“I heard” Google says. “I'd suggest you stay as far away from her as possible but I have a feeling that telling you to do such a thing would make you just want to go near her even more.”
“You do know me…” I say. “My dad is supposed to be coming here soon for a chat. I need to show him that I'm making some sort of progress or he'll send me somewhere far.”
“You're an adult” Google replies. “Can't you make your own way without his help?” I can barely hold in my laughter. “Or not.”
“I have absolutely no survival skills” I tell him. “Everything I have I owe to my father. If he cut me off or sent me to live on the other side of the globe I'd just have to deal with it.”
“There is always another way” he says.
“Says the man who wasn't raised by my father.”
“My father can be a very demanding man himself” Google says. “But I learned that the only way that I was going to ever live a truly happy life was to carve it out for myself and get from under his shadow. It wasn’t easy but I'm glad that I did.”
“Lot of good it did” I say. “You and I ended up in the same place.”
“Yet, I'm the one with the penis that is not hurting.”
“Well played, Google. Well played.”
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