The F**k Is Vajazzle?!

Have you heard of this Vajazzle nonsense? This was something that I had never in my life knew existed until a friend brought it up. The next day I saw two news stories about it and then the next thing I knew I couldn't turn on the TV or go online without seeing someone talking about this. What Vajazzle is are these crystals that women put all over or around their vajayjays to make them look...pretty? Sparkly? More interesting? I don't know. Either way I don't like it.

I'm not sure why it was created. I wonder if there was some woman just sitting at home thinking her vagina looked boring and needed to bring a little more excitement to her draws. Or maybe guy told his wife “You know what would make your ladybits more interesting? Jewels!” Next thing you know the Vajazzle exists and guys have the potential to have their mouths looking like Lil Wayne's.

On some radio show a lady called in and asked if she should Vajazzle herself herself for her wedding night. The host said no and I agreed with her. First off, a lady has to shave completely down there for it to work properly so there's that whole nonsense of her having to wax or shave completely and we all know how I feel about that. (note: not a fan) Then she has to sit there, or go somewhere, and have them placed on and hope that they stay put until its time for the unveiling.

If on my non-existent wedding night happens and I whip my ladies draws off and it looks like a bonus level on Zelda we're gonna have some problems. I'd ask her how long its gonna take to remove that crap from her body before I can get down to business. I don't wanna lift my head from between a woman's legs and have it look like I cleaned the floor of a strippers dressing room with my mouth.

Few more arrows and you wouldn't see the razor bumps!

This is just another one of those things invented to make women think that what they have isn't good enough. If you have boobs they want you to paint or pierce them. If you have hair between your legs they try to sell you ways to remove it using goddamn laser beams or hot wax. Seriously. The idea of that sounds like a nightmare. If any woman dates a guy that proposes the idea of putting crystals on herself she needs to find a new man. Seeing those there is startling, particularly if its unexpected. I'm sure that the reaction is supposed to be like “Wow! You did that all for me?!” when mine would be “Sweet lord, what is happening?!”

Can't wait until they make the guy version of this called Dicktacular or Penisensation. Either way I wouldn't buy it. Putting things that don't need to be on your junk, male or female, is just another form of dancing on the minefield. Just leave your stuff alone, ladies. Regular vagina is fine. It doesn't need to turn into a Mardi Gras in your pants.