While listening to a show I heard about
an article written by Ellen Burkhart about how hard it is for her to
find a guy once she tells them that she is a virgin. I'll post a link
HERE if you want to read all that she wrote. As usual, I'll have what
she wrote in quotations along with my thoughts.
“I should be better at sharing this
bit of information by now. I'm a 26-year-old woman with a college
degree, a good job, an adorable duplex and no debt. I have a solid
group of friends, a supportive family and a clear awareness of who I
am and who I want to be. By most accounts, I am a successful human
being. Yet the moment I have to tell the guy I'm dating that sex is
not an option, I become a squirmy, awkward, fidgety girl who can't
make eye contact or put together a complete sentence. Think junior
high dance, only without a bathroom to hide in.”
I have a problem with that paragraph.
In all that she listed she did not tell me anything about her that
would make me want to be her friend, let alone date her. She listed
the things that are stereotypically things that women care about when
wanting a guy. Stuff. Shit. What they own. How they get along with
people. I once listened to a chick complain to another one about her
shitty choices in guys. Not once did she say anything about herself
personally.
I wondered what she was like. What she
did for fun. Why a guy should like her that had nothing to do with
what school she went to or what her place looked like. Guys don't
care about that shit. A guy will date a woman that had bleeding walls in their home if it meant they could get their dicks touched. As for having a clear
awareness of who she is at 26? Check back in a few years. No one knows for sure till 50.
“In college there were a handful of
guys who probably could have been my first, but things never quite
worked out. One guy confessed to having a girlfriend back home just
as I started to fall for him. Another had such low self-esteem he
wouldn't make a move until just before he passed out. The most
serious contender waited until I was so smitten with him that I would
break plans, skip class, call in sick — whatever — to drive hours
to visit him, and then dumped me, saying it 'just wasn't a good time
for him.'”
If a guy says it is not a good time for
him it means that he knew he wasn't going to have sex anytime soon.
Plain and simple. You are giving signs that he is not getting any
action in the near future unless he plies you with alcohol or catches
you at a weak moment. She sounds like she is bad at picking dudes.
The ones that got closest to getting into her pants were all typical
asshole guys. That's how it works with girls who put too much
emphasis on sex and losing their virginity.
“Something else that has kept my
pants on all these years: Despite my Miss Independent,
one-of-the-guys, often cynical/always logical demeanor, I am a
hopeless romantic. I believe wholeheartedly that sex and love should
coexist. In fact, I believe they need to coexist; that without love,
sex is just a Band-Aid fix for something that should be addressed
with words rather than walks of shame. What's more, I'm an
obnoxiously picky person who avoids letting go of control, being
vulnerable and making mistakes at all costs — a by-the-book Type-A
perfectionist. The longer I go without sex, the more build-up there
is: the more anxiety and curiosity, fear and desire, anticipation and
uncertainty. Basically, what was once just another bit of my identity
has, over 26 years, become a defining element of who I am, whether I
like it or not.”
Well...there ya go. She is going to be
typecast as a virgin, especially since she added a picture of herself
in the article. I'm pretty damned sure she did that because the first
question people would say when they heard about a chick being virgin
at 26 is “What does she look like?” Know why? Because most guys
know, think, assume, or feel that any woman can have sex at any time
she wants it. I personally believe and have told female friends that
talked about not being able to have sex “Because you are being
picky.”
The only guys that can afford to behave
like a woman when it comes to sex are guys that get sex when they
want, guys that have been burned by women, or guys that have run out
of fucks to give and will have sex with any woman.
“Every guy reacts differently to the
No Sex bomb. Some play it cool while calculating how to coerce me
into changing my mind. (This usually involves the showing off of
foreplay moves, tales of the extreme pleasures I've been missing
and/or purring that they don't mind waiting — unless it's going to
be, like, two years, in which case they're not so sure.) Some bail
immediately. Some fake acceptance — and then bail a few dates
later. And some truly give celibacy their best shot before breaking
down and, yep, bailing.”
This one gets me personally. I have
dated three virgins. Well, one of them I strongly suspect was lying.
Hell, the last one I think likely got so drunk that she had sex with
another guy in the past and doesn't recall it. The first virgin that
I suspect wasn't one was cool. We had sex and I lost my virginity to
her. She was good at everything we did and a lot of my firsts were
with her. Having sex the first time was not fun for me at all and
neither of us got to the credits but over the years it was awesome.
With the second we dated for years and
when we had sex it was fine...ish. She was not close to being a
sexual person and I would have graded her a C+ on her skills and
enthusiasm. I didn't split with her even though we had sex a couple
times a year. She never said that she was saving herself or that sex
was not on the menu.
With the last virgin she told me
straight up that she was a virgin. I think on our first date. I
didn't care because thankfully she was honest about it and was happy
that I didn't run away. I would think that if I told someone
something about myself that I felt was so personal and they turned
into a dick I'd be happy that I didn't drag shit out with them. Her
Christianity and inconsistency when it came to being sexual is what
did us in amongst a lot of other shit.
This was all just to say that I have
been with virgins and it isn't as awesome as movies make it seem. I
don't want to be anyone's first anything, particularly because most
people that want to wait, men and women, have the goal of marriage. I
have no such goals anymore.
“Like I said before, I'm not
anti-sex. I'm not immune to desire, either: It's flattering when the
man I'm with wants so badly to rip off my clothes and have his way
with me that he has to leave the room in order to respect my
decision. It drives me crazy when he whispers in my ear and teases me
in all the right ways. And, yes, in situations like those I do waver
and wonder whether or not it's worth holding out for the big I Do.”
Its not. I know it sounds flippant but
seriously...its just sex. It can be good or it can be bad. I know
that people like to connect a lot of love to having sex. After I
first had sex I thought “That's it?” I expected to be finished in
seconds (which is something that didn't start happening till years
later) it was so good. It wasn't until 6 years after my first time
that I had fun with sex.
I didn't even mention the pressure. Oh,
the pressure! Whichever guy ends up having sex with this author knows
that he is going to have to knock it out of the park the first time
to make all her waiting worthwhile. It doesn't matter how much you
love someone if the sex sucks. You can love the fuck out of someone
and end up getting good sex from someone else. If that happens I
can't even feel bad for the person being cheated on as much as I know
I should as a human being. But fuck it. Its just sex and I am
currently still not wanting to deal with it specifically because of
all the extra nonsense involved. Sometimes I just want a woman to sit
on my face. She doesn't have to be in love with me or want to be my
wife. But she may afterward.
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