There comes a time in most people's
lives where they will have to fill out a resume. This is never a fun
process. It either points out that you have had some pretty shitty
jobs, too many jobs, not enough jobs or experience, or in plain print
shows you the bad career choices you've made. Here is a post I wrote
previously about what I learned being unemployed. Click here to read
that.
In this Five Things I Learned Creating
A Resume I'm gonna talk about all the good, the bad, and the lies
that comes along with creating a resume that will hopefully land you
that sweet job sitting behind the desk all day writing on Facebook
and complaining about how your talents are being wasted while your
boss is paid three times as much as you and is so dumb they don't
even know you're not working.
You Should Have Quit Sooner
There is nothing like looking back at a
particular job you had and seeing how long you stayed there. And I
don't mean in a proud way. I don't have it on my resume anymore since
I've been doing so much reality TV stuff, but it was so weird to
write down the fact that I worked at a porn shop for seven years.
Seven years! That is a lot of time to have worked around smut. You
don't think so? Ever been in a porn shop? How long? Ten minutes?
Twenty because the dildos were so funny? Imagine 40 hours a week for
seven years.
Honestly, the last two years I was
finished with work in about four hours every day. I did try to quit
maybe into my fourth year because fuck the crazy schedules I had.
There is nothing like kicking people out of a porn shop at 2am when
you know they have nowhere else they'd rather be. By the time I left
I was opening the place at 6am (yes, there are people that
come...ew...that early) and just had no more energy left in me to
handle the amount of bullshit there. There were other jobs I felt
this way about but they lasted a year maximum.
You Should Have Stayed Longer
There are some jobs you put down on
your resume and ask yourself “Should I even bother?” I worked at
a pet store that was terrible. Just terrible. Shitty employees,
shitty bosses, shitty customers, actual dog shit on the floor. Mind
you, we didn't sell animals. People brought their pets in which is
like taking your 2 year old into a toy store with no diaper on. I
think four months is a long enough time to feel confident in adding a
job to your resume. But three months? That's summer school. Which I
failed. Maybe you had a job that while bad, you could have lasted a
little bit longer than you did. But fuck that. Life is for the
living!
Overqualified Don't Matter
There are some jobs you look at and
know that you are overqualified for it. But then you look at the two
packs of Top Ramen sitting on your kitchen counter you realize
quickly that there is no such thing as overqualified. You will do
anything for money. Okay. Almost anything.
There were a few jobs I applied for and
went to the interviews and had them tell me “It appears that you're
overqualified” and I wanted to say “Give me a chance to prove you
wrong!” Kinda like in a relationship. I knew that I was applying
for jobs that if given the chance I would replace half the staff. I'd
walk in and see people with flip-flops on and think “You? You're
first.”
Your References Are Shady
I have had people use me as a reference
and I am always proud of it. Yes. I will represent you well. But then
there are some people that ask me to be a reference for them and I'm
like “You were a terrible employee.” I have had to ask people to
be a reference a few times and I have to ask myself a few questions
before I do.
Does this person ever answer there
phone? Will this person be honest? Are they out to get me? Do they
even know what I'm like as an employee? There are very few folks that
I wold trust to do this. After a while I realized that most places
don't even check references anymore. And in reality TV a lot of it is
word of mouth. “You know this Dante?” “Yeah. Says 'no' a lot.
Works fast. Possibly gay.” Sometimes you have to worry about when
they call your old job and what they'll say about you.
Everyone Lies
Cashier? No. You're in money
management. Opened the store? Fuck no. I was in charge of insuring
that the business operated in a timely fashion. There for just three
months? No. A quarter of the year. I have always been paranoid about
lying about shit on my resume because I'm a shitty liar. You don't
really have to lie, but like I mentioned above, you can make things
sound better. I remember that time I fixed the radio. Someone say
tech support?
The funniest thing is when someone lies
on their resume and get busted. When I worked at a pet store there
was a lot of heavy lifting involved. They ask if you can lift 20
pounds and of course I could because I was about 19 years old. The
problem is you'll end up lifting 40 pound bags all day. This one guy
that worked there couldn't lift his spirits let alone a giant bag of
dog food. He didn't last long. Because he lied. And was old.
Click here for previous Five Things I
Learned.
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