Five Things I Learned Working At A Hospital

In a previous blog (click here to check it out) I talked about things that you may not know form working at a pet store. In this one I want to talk about working in a hospital. Now, this is something that runs in my family. My grandmother did it, my aunts did it, my father does it, my brother did it, and I even found out a few years back that my mother did it. That is a mental image I cherish for all the wrong reasons.

I know there are people that work in hospitals and have a great time and love their jobs and go home all like “I saved someone’s life today” or “I just made someone feel less pain.” And that’s groovy. Though I did have some nice experiences at the hospital it was a daily exercise in not beating people up.

1. It’s Not Fun.

I feel I should clarify this one before I begin. The job itself is not fun. The first time I worked at the hospital I was a cleaner and food server (Unit Support Associate or U.S.A) and the second time I was a patient escort which meant I moved people. In those positions I had to find fun usually in inappropriate ways. Laughing at “code browns” which was when someone shit themselves. When the power would go out and turn the sub-levels into a techno club with flashing lights. Or good old fashioned dark humor.

The rest of the day was spent wondering what fancy new diseases you may get. Making sure you got all the shots that were required by the hospital so your face didn’t fall off when a patient sneezed in it. Or waiting to see if my body started to fall apart after being bombarded with radiation. Yes, this actually happened. Don’t expect many laughs at a hospital.

2. No One Wants To Be There.

From the employees to the patients to their family members, no one wants to be at the fucking hospital. As soon as you punch in the countdown starts to when you can get the hell out of there and take a shower. The worst place to be is in the emergency room. My god. If you are wearing a uniform you are the enemy. Someone that is keep a visitor from getting help, seeing a family member, or taking money from them.

ER’s on television shows are full of action. In real life it’s a lot of moaning in pain with spurts of excitement. And when those moments happen they are fast, bloody, and stressful. As a patient escort it was my job to take people that were brought in with serious injuries where they needed to be…including the morgue. I seriously couldn’t wait to punch out and go home. A “good day” was going to the morgue once instead of three times in a shift.

3. Friends Will Keep You Sane.

Above is me with ridiculous hair and my heterosexual life mate Alex Hluch (click here to help him fulfill his dreams). I didn’t make many friends when working at the hospital since my family I worked with had reputations. I liked to keep to myself with sporadic outbursts of acting retarded. Usually with patients that liked being around me. Black dudes that wore bright shoes, spiked hair, and bracelets with two inch spikes sticking out of them didn’t get me the right kind of attention either.

I met Alex one day while we had to transport a patient. After giving a DX-style crotch chop to a nurse we started talking. This kid saved me from going nuts on many occasions. We worked well together and fast. It got to the point where we could transport a corpse and be at Burger King within fifteen minutes. When we eventually had different schedules I realized just how much better the job was when he was around.

4. You Will See Dead People.

When I found out that movie corpses would be a part of my job I was like “The fuck you say?” I told myself that there was no way in hell that I would be touching a dead body. Fast forward less than two weeks into training and there I am moving a kids body with one of the worst employees in my department.

Sadly, after moving enough bodies you do start to get used to it. The smell, the sight of a body, and even the way that people weigh more when they’re dead. What sucks is that its hard to talk about your day with friends and family. “What you do today?” “Uh…you don’t wanna know.” Click here to read an old blog I did about the any steps it takes to move a corpse.

5. Your Patience Will Be Tested.

I’m not a yeller. Like, jokingly I raise my voice. But since I was 19 years old there have been two instances where rage caused me to shout at someone. Once was an ex girlfriend and the other was at a nurse. It had been a shitty day, she was a shitty human, and she decided to lie about me. I tried my best to remain calm but once she lied I lost it. I hate shouting. It is loud and it makes people scared of me. More than usual. I am Black, so there’s that.

Most of the job is waiting. Waiting for patients, nurses, doctors, equipment, co-workers, or medication for people. I got to read so many books and draw so many pictures working at the hospital. When not waiting you’re just trying not to rear naked choke someone for getting in your shit. Any of you out there reading this that works in any medical field, thanks for all the shit you put up with. Except for EMT’s. You all are whores.