Dante Saves You: Locked Up Edition

Prison doesn’t look fun. There’s never a situation where I see a movie or TV show where people are locked up and I say “Yeah…I need some of that in my life.” So in this edition of Dante Saves You I’m gonna try and teach you how to survive being locked up.

There are many forms of being locked up, so I took examples from different films and shows to give you a better grasp of prison life or as comedian Kevin Hart puts it “Yeah! Real ni**as. All day! Just me. By myself. On the block. Holdin’ it down. Gun in my waist. Straight face. All day. Not a game. In jail. By myself. One bed. No pillow case. One pillow. Didn’t nobody write me. It was early. Woke up. Went back to sleep. Took a nap. You ever go night-night ni**a? You ever go night-night ni**a?! Everybody go night-night, ni**a!”

So You’re In Shawshank Redemption.

Ah, the good old days where the only place to go for equality if you were Black was prison. At least you have Morgan Freeman there to help you get the things you need. You may or may not be guilty of the murder of your wife but that’s neither here nor there.

Rape: Its what's for dinner.

And did I mention the showers? Yeah. Gotta take those. With dudes. Butt booty ass naked dudes that like the way you’re put together. The way the soap slides off your ass when you bend over to pick up the soap that refuses to stay in your hands. How in the hell are you gonna get out of this?!

Solution.

Singing "Why Cant We Be Friends?" just angers them.

There’s a group of guys called The Sisters who are all about rape. If you have a hole they will put their junk in it whether you want it or not. I’m assuming you don’t. You can do like our hero of the film and tell them how hard it is to pry your jaw from some dick if they stab you in the brain mid-blowjob or you can continue to fight like a fucking lunatic. I suggest that one.

Pictured: Your asshole after your first week.

You can also plot an elaborate escape involving a tiny ass hammer and a poster but fuck that. Dantania doesn’t roll in such ways. We start riots. So that’s what you do on the first day. Worst case scenario, they lock you in solitary. Best case scenario, they lock you in solitary. This is so win/win its ridiculous!

So You’re On The Green Mile.

Not only are you locked up on death row, but you’re in the same cell block as a magical Black guy that cries. Loudly. In this situation there’s no plans to break loose. Just deal with this shitty hand you were dealt which is hard when even the guards are evil assholes that will do everything to make sure your last days alive are as miserable as possible.

Fuck! Just punched my laptop...

Don’t you just wanna punch him right in the dick? Like, full running start Superman punch him right in the baby maker. I do. Like, not just in the movie but in real life as well. This place is a fucking madhouse and you don’t wanna be here any longer than you have to. So what do you do?

Solution.

Patti Labelle has really let herself go.

What you wanna do is get a disease. Back in those days people dropped dead from sneezing too hard. Just make sure that big Black guy doesn’t come over and kiss you. He’ll cure you and just prolong your stay in prison…until they fry your ass until you look like the Tanning Mom.

I feel like chicken tonight!

You need to avoid getting out in the electric chair. That asshole I mentioned will not soak the sponge and you will be cooked which is just below dying while having sex with Courtney Love on my lists of ways I don’t want to go out. Just run into the walls until you break your brain.

So You’re An Oldboy.

One day while being a drunk asshole you get kidnapped and wake up in a hotel room. Its not too shabby except for the fact that you don’t know why you’re there, you don’t know who did it, you cant talk to anyone, and you have 80’s metal band hair. Hey, but there is TV! That was pretty damned nice of whoever did this because guess what you get to watch? Fights!

Solution.

"I...had...the time of my life..."

You have had about 15 years to do nothing but train to fight. Think about that shit for a second. 15 years where you can master anything you want. While searching for the dick that did this to you a group of guys try to attack you. All’s you have is a decade and a half of rage, pent up aggression, and questions. Oh, and a hammer. Hmm, what to do…?

This is what I'd look like at a Sade concert.

Its Hammertime! You don’t know these guys and they have orders to kill you. This is the one time in your life where you know there will be nothing for you but living or dying. So fuck it. Swing for the fences. Use that hammer on anything that is breathing not named You. People dream for these types of moments in their lives. Right? Really? Oh, its just me then? Whatever. With your repressed ass.

So You’re In Alien 3.

You have watched your own child age faster than you, survived fighting aliens…twice, so things can only get better from here, right? Nope! You end up landing on a damned prison/mining planet where there are nothing but monk looking men. Oh, great. You’re on Planet Jesus. We need to get you out of here quick!

Solution.

*sniff sniff* Is that the smell of clean?

Oh, but before that you gotta take care of this whole alien situation. Try and get these sex deprived dudes to help you since their dog is dead because of the creature you brought with you because fuck cryogenics. There’s no way you’re gonna get off this planet of dirt and religion. It looks like a spark factory of some sort. Hey, look. A rescue team!

Aww...give her a hug!

Not so fast, pal. They just want that alien that’s now inside your body! Son of a bitch. Know what? Fuck it. Just cut your losses. Dive into a vat of molten metal and end your misery. There’s no way out of this situation that ends well for you. Its not like they can clone you and saddle you with Winona Ryder, right?

Shit.

So You’re In Oz.

Oh, there’s no wizard in this place! Oswald State Correctional Facility is a place where most of the cells are glass which leaves no kind of privacy. Which is cool because you don’t wanna get butt raped behind closed doors. You want everyone to see it.

Butt sex is the new "Hello."

Trust no one here. Everyone is split up into groups, including the folks on the fringes of society. You want to establish quickly that you don’t believe in anything but stabbing people that get close enough that you can smell them. Oh, and stop washing your ass. That would be a good idea.

Solution.

Before following my methods. 

Let’s say you refuse to stop washing your ass like a smart person. Perhaps you’re like poor Tobias Beecher. This guy was a lawyer who got made an example of after killing a young child while drunk driving and ends up in a place full of killers and racists. The White dudes save you only to make you their bitch. They rape you, burn a swastika on your ass, and kill your remaining family on the outside. Bet you wish you stopped washing your ass now, huh?

After following my methods!

Now is the time to go crazier than anyone in the history of history has ever gone! You stop cutting your nails and use them to slice a man to death. The leader of the racists apologizes so your logical response is to hit him with weights, pin him down, and shit in his mouth. This is after having his sons killed and putting his eye out. You can totally skip the part where you have a lot of gay sex with Christopher Meloni.

Yeah. Good luck with that one.