Grown Ass Man Tips: Calm Down

Have you ever been upset and someone told you to calm down? Did it work? Chances are it didn't. So why are people still saying it to one another? I have never in my life talked to a woman that was upset and said “Calm down...” because I grew up around a lot of lady folk and knew that those two words would not only not work but make them more upset. Why? Because they humans. I know in the way this world is running right now people like to forget that part. We are so busy giving ourselves new and special titles and racing to belong to a group so we don't feel alone that we actually leave out the part where before any of that stuff we're human. Unless you're a robot and reading this in which case I'd ask if you had better things to do.

A couple of weeks ago I heard a lady shouting at her dude from my window. “Action!” was said by me as it usually is and I went to look like the nosy resident I am. This lady was upset for whatever reason at her dude as they returned from the local weed shop (I know this because of their obnoxiously loud red bags that litter the sidewalks here in West Hollywood) and she told him to go back to his shitty apartment in his shitty car and that they were through. So of course he told her to calm down. Guess what she did? She went fucking megaton. I'm not sure how old this couple was and hope that they have not nor will they procreate but he should've known that if someone is screaming at you and saying they are through the best thing to do is either stand there silently and let shit run its course or get in your car and leave. Under no circumstances should he have engaged her the way he did. I mean he followed her as she screamed down the street and back to the car. Hopefully they no longer talk to each other.

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Grown Ass Man Tips: Are You Pregnant?

There's never a reason to ask a woman if she is pregnant. I guess unless you two are dating and she is exhibiting the symptoms of a pregnancy and your ass is not financially ready or mentally equipped to be a father. That is about it. But if it is any other woman and you feel compelled to ask her if she is pregnant punch yourself in the dick and keep quiet. I know this sounds aggressive but the shit does not make people feel good. I have had multiple friends get asked if they were pregnant. Know how it makes them feel? Like shit. What I do not understand is why someone would ask. It is not like you win some sort of prize for getting it right? More often than not you ain't! Now you just an asshole that some woman is gonna talk about to her friends later. You wanna be an asshole? Huh? I know a lot of guys these days do because it seems cool to not give a fuck and say extreme shit and be the cool guy. Being someone who makes a lady you likely don't even know feel like shit because you assumed that she was growing a human life in her body is not a thing you should aspire to be. You see a lady and am not sure if she is pregnant or not just ask yourself why you want to know. Again: no prize for guessing correctly or not. She is not a pinata and will not explode with candy if she is pregnant. I'm like 98% sure about that last part.

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Grown Ass Man Tips: Females

The word “female” never made it into my vocabulary. There are a lot of words that thankfully never snuck in. It also helps that I didn't start cursing until I was 22. I was listening to a podcast and this guy kept saying the word female and it sounded so weird and each time he said it I would think “Dude, cut that out.” This is not me virtue signaling. Just pointing out that some words bug people an usually because of the context. I use words like lady, woman, women folk, and chicks. Chicks has slowly begun to be replaced by any of those other words. But female never made its way in. If you hear someone use the word it is almost never in a way considered good. “This female said...” “All these females be...” “That place is full of females...” The only time it sounds not weird is when it is added to an occupation such as female cop, female firefighter, or female doctor. The word “male” sounds weird to me unless someone is talking about a wild animal. If some dude told me he had a lot of female friends I translate that to “I have a lot of people as friends...that I wanna bone down.” That's on me.

Even women use the word female against one another. It's a strange weapon to use. I know when there are words that suddenly are not okay to say anymore or words that you are told are not cool to say it is an odd feeling. You have so many questions. There are some words that were so okay to say back in the 80's that I had to let go of. If you have trouble letting go of particular words you need to wonder why and when you use those words and actually do research as to why those words make people feel like shit. That is pretty much why certain words stop circulating. They make people feel shitty and you shouldn't pride yourself on making people feel shitty. I know it is a cool thing these days to make people feel shitty online. Listen. I get it. Sometimes meaning most of the time it feels like you are being told to stop saying or doing something because it hurts the feelings of someone. Chances are you are using those words because you don't like the person you are using them against. Spend that time thinking of something you enjoy instead.

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Grown Ass Man Tips: Shaving

“I haven't shaved my legs!” is a battle cry I have heard over the years. Not in a long ass time but it is something I have heard in the past when it was not business time and I was just enjoying the fact that a lady allowed me to touch her legs. Not once in the time I ever got the opportunity to touch a lady leg did I think “Gee, I really hope she shaved her legs or else this shit is over!” Not. Once. Know why? Because I am a grown ass man and lady legs are the fucking bomb. For anyone new to this blog or my life I like legs. It is not a make or break thing for me but I appreciate the fuck out of a pair of legs whether they have been shaved or not. Right now best legs belong to Ashanti. Fight me. She can cornrow her leg hair and I would not care. I know that there are guys out there that will not go near a woman that has not shaved her legs or are turned off by some leg stubble but I am not one of them. I give no fucks. Check my pockets. No fucks. Guess why? Grown ass man.

Over time women have used all kinda crazy shit to get rid of leg hair. Tweezers, pumice stones, beeswax and sugar based waxes, walnut oil, bandages soaked in ammonia that came from cat pee, animal teeth, vinegar, lasers, and back in the day radiation. Straight up shit that made Godzilla women were using to get rid of some shit that is just gonna grow back. Yeah, lasers help get rid of it but its not like you go one time and its all done forever. I used to see these hair removal commercials on TV where women would marvel at their newly smooth skin. They weren't that hairy to begin with. Like lotion commercials where the folks aren't even ashy first. Bath with some Irish Spring, air dry, then show me that lotion application. To me not shaving your legs as a form of protest means nothing to me. Most protests are fleeting. “I am sick of shaving my legs to fit into social norms! Burn the machine! No more shaving!” Yeah...but nah. You're gonna shave something. I'm just saying for guys if you won't date a woman because of her body hair then chances are you will want a divorce when she farts. It's just hair. Deal with it.

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Grown Ass Man Tips: Toenails

I just watched a video of a guy getting an ingrown toenail removed. It was horrifying. Not just because he let it get so bad that he had to see a specialist but because just looking at his other toenails I could tell that this dude probably cut his nails once every few months and did absolutely nothing to take care of things like using lotion of getting rid of dead skin. The shit was foul and not necessary. Growing up my family took care of each others grooming. From haircuts, popping bumps, plucking hairs, cleaning ears, and cutting nails. One time I went over my brothers house and he asked me to cut his toenails and I said “Sure.” His girlfriend at the time and her hot ass cousin were horrified and said he'd been asking them all day. To me it wasn't a big deal. Plus there is the fact that one of my grandfathers got an infected toenail and lost his leg. Fuck that. I am not losing a leg over something as easy to take care of like a toenail. I'm not losing a leg to anything other than an alligator or a terrible snu-snu incident.

I'm not saying you need to buff and shine them. Just every few weeks look at your nails and ask “Can I slice deli meat with these? If I were asked to climb a wall without the use of my hands could I? Are my toenails the color of tea?” If the answer is yes you need to sit your ass down and handle your toenails. It does not take long and it not hard to do. If it physically hurts your body to get into position to cut your own nails then go to a shop. Or handle those random body issues. When I see a dude with jacked up fingernails I can only imagine the horror show that is happening in their shoes. There is no reason for your toenails to look like tree bark. If you said “It doesn't matter 'cause nobody can so them!” then I am gonna go ahead and assume that your dick looks like a briar patch and your fingernails look like an elephant graveyard. Just because someone can not see a problem does not mean it's not a problem. Be an adult and keep your nasty ass vessel clean.

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Grown Ass Man Tips: Asking For Help

There ain't nothing wrong with asking for help. Lots of guys right now are doing something wrong but are not asking for help. Sure, it is easy to say “Well, because men don't like to ask for help.” I'm not gonna be that general with this because I'm allegedly a man and I know that there is more to it than that. I used to be terrible at asking for help but I was never bad at asking questions. If you showed me how to do something I wouldn't pretend I understood, shove you out the way, and then do a shitty job of it. Till this day I will let you know that the way you said/told/did something made no sense to me and ask for some form of clarification. But for the help part...that had nothing to do with my genitals. That was a pride thing. A not wanting to look weak or stupid thing. A not wanting to appear helpless thing. But now? Help me the fuck out!

I would much rather you think I am stupid, weak, or helpless for asking for help than to fuck something up and have someone else have to do it again later. I know a big part of not being able to ask for help is because of what we think it means to be a man in the first place. What it means to be a man changes every few months so right now we have to play it by ear. All that man shit that your father and your fathers father did? No bueno. You can try, and many men do, but what'll likely happen is you'll be called some form of “ist” be it sexist, racist,or misogynist. Think back to when you were growing up and watched some guy in your life fuck something up by not asking for help. It could have been a father, uncle, brother, cousin, nephew, or even your own son. You don't want to be that guy. The one that does something, claps thinking you did a good job, leave the room, and have people roll their eyes so hard it makes a sound. If you have someone in your life that says it makes you weak to ask for help chances are they are a fuck up and you shouldn't be listening to them anyway.

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Grown Ass Man Tips: Being Present

When I am out in the public I notice something that is getting worse with each passing year and that is being present. One definition of it is “having your focus, your attention, your thoughts and feelings all fixed on the task at hand. If you are speaking to somebody, then your attention and energy is focused on him or her and what he or she is saying.” I know this is about giving grown ass men some tips but this applies to everyone. I see people walking down the street having a conversation and texting at the same time. I have talked to people on the phone and hear them texting and saying “Uh-huh” or laughing when nothing funny was said by me because they aren't really paying attention. 

I get it. Being present is hard when there are so many distractions all over the place. But the better you are at being present the more quality time you'll have with people. Know why I'm not constantly snapping pictures when I'm out with friends? Because we're talking and I am able to recall everything we did. I actually have a thought that when I see a lot of pictures taken during a vacation the less fun is being had and the less time you're spending being present.

Grown Ass Man Tips: Keeping Your Cool

Throwing tantrums only works if you are a toddler or an attractive woman. If you are a grown ass man that starts yelling when you don't get your way chances are people are talking about you behind your back. Sadly, you may not even know that you are doing the opposite of keeping your cool and you're being a punk ass bitch. Yeah. No one wants to be that but how do you know you're being one if no one tells you? The thing is we now live in a time where asking for the truth is only safe around friends and some family. Not all of them because we all know aunt Patty is a gossip. 

There are many ways to learn how to keep your cool. Taking deep breaths. Counting to ten. Learning how to meditate. Float tanks. Exercising some of that bitchassness away. One way to check your keeping cool levels is to ask yourself a few questions and be honest about it. If someone cuts you off in traffic what do you do? Now ask someone who rides in the car with you what you do. If the grocery line is long what sounds do you make? Are they bitch sounds like heavy sighing or passive aggressive watch checking even though you ain't wearing one? When someone raises their voice do you take that as a chance to raise yours even louder?

Grown Ass Man Tips: Standing Down

There are times in your life when you feel like you need to say something. Not because you are a man and “mansplaining” which is a term I hate because no matter what gender you are we all do it. But, men, we are at a time in history where learning to shut the fuck up, don't get involved, and picking your battles is more important than ever. Today guys are throwing themselves on grenades that are in the other room. They will hear something in passing and chime in. They will start an argument just because it is a thing to do and it is way out of hand now. They consider it a debate or discussion when in reality they are unhappy with their life in some way and looking for anything to distract them from dealing with it. “Why would I waste my time cleaning my house, taking better care of my body, and being nice to my people when there are women trying to walk around topless in New York?! What? No. I live in California, but still. Topless!”

Over the last few years I have made an effort to stand down more. Not because of society or because what is allegedly between my legs. But because it is just not worth my time to get involved in shit that does not concern me. I would lose my mind overhearing stupid things people were saying especially if they were talking about something I knew a lot about. But the strangest thing happened when I stopped doing it. I had more free time to think about things that interested me. I would just think “Damn, they are really confident in their ignorance” and continue about my day.

Grown Ass Man Tips: Periods

Periods get looked at two ways by dumb asses. You either think it is this week long time where women act crazy and over emotional. Or you can't bone down with them because they are bleeding (in which case get back to me when you become an adult). Even while looking for an image for this all of them are about guys tackling their girl because she is off her period or women crying or stuffing their faces. So what the hell is a period? First off, PMS (premenstrual syndrome) is not a period. All that shit that guys complain about regarding women during their period is the PMS part. During this time their bodies decide to attack the block in a number of ways. They get stressed out, weird cravings, crippling pains, bloating, mood swings trouble sleeping, constipation, and cramps that can range from not that bad but definitely there to wanting to rip their uterus out.

I will never pretend to know what it is like to have a period or accuse a woman of having one even jokingly. I grew up around way too many women I respected and hang out with ones to even have those kinda stupid thoughts. Not a lot of guys do and they say shit like “What's wrong? You on your period?” and wonder why they are on the ground and their lips hurt. You're probably wondering why blood is even involved. It's just the lining in their uterus shedding and it has to come out. It gets shed to possibly get ready to get pregnant. Sucks that their bodies don't ask first. So once the body is like “Another month, another not getting pregnant” it comes out. A ladies body goes through this jacked up and painful phases in preparation to possibly getting pregnant and when it doesn't it does it all over again in about a month.

Grown Ass Man Tips: Ironing

I love ironing. Like, actually love it. I love it so much that I used to iron clothes for friends, girlfriends, and used to make money ironing my brothers work clothes. What I like about ironing is that it soothes my desire to see things change quickly. It was wrinkled and now its not. Lots of people don't even think of whether or not I iron my clothes and almost none of them care. I do. I stay home most of the time and still wear clothes that have been ironed. There is over a months worth of clothes hanging in the closet. 

When I was first allowed to iron my own clothes as a child it made me feel like a sort of adult. I am not someone that wants the world to start ironing their clothes. People say “I don't even own an iron” as if it is surprising to me. Trust. I can tell you don't. I am writing this to say that a lot of dudes have become very comfortable with looking like hobos. Hell, I got jeans that I have bought with holes in them that are ironed but manage to not look like a bum. Ironing to me is like grooming (which I've written about in previous posts). Why would I care to leave the house with my face washed, my nose cleaned, my pubes on fleek, and my nails taken care of but when it comes to my clothes go “Fuck it”? Ironing is just another level of caring about your appearance and showing yourself that you give a bit of a damn about yourself.

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Grown Ass Man Tips: Staring

Staring at folks is dangerous. Just look at the animal kingdom. Staring directly at another creature's eyes can end with you being beaten like a drum or ending up on a t-shirt with your start and end date. The same goes for humans. How many post-primates do you know that like to start some shit because they “were looked at the wrong way”? Cut that shit out. There are times when someone looks at me for too long and I'm not sure if I am supposed to fight or fuck them. If I can look you in the eyes for more than two seconds chances are I am screaming inside my head for you to put your lips against mine or we are cool as fuck. Otherwise I look into your eyes, make sure you're not a figment of my sleep deprived imagination, and continue talking. 

Grown Ass Man Tips: Learn To Cook

Today is Thanksgiving and there are a lot of grown ass men out there that are mad that their family or lady took too long to get ready to leave and get some food or upset she took too long to make it herself. Hey. Learn to cook. Yeah, I know a lot of us grew up with our mothers making the majority of meals that did not involve a grill. But times have changed. Lots of chicks aren't into that shit and some even see it as a throwback to a time when women were seen as less than men. But fuck all that. Learn to cook for yourself. 

You're a grown ass man and need to learn how to feed yourself in a way that doesn't involve picking a meal based on a number or waiting for someone else to shovel food into your stinkhole. Today I made an entire meal for Thanksgiving that had ham, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, rolls, cake, and stuffing. Took lots of mistakes to get it perfect but I have and I was very proud of myself. You can be too. Its not like you need to master fifty dishes. Just get good at about five and work from there. Or...you can continue to be a giant man-bitch that doesn't know how to feed himself.

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Grown Ass Man Tips: Cheating

There is a line in an old Dr. Dre song where he says “If its your ho in my ride then its your ho you check.” In layman's terms it means “If your girlfriend is in my car and you have a problem with it take it up with her because I am not the problem.” I have always liked that line but as I get older I appreciate it more for its efficiency in so few words. There are a lot of people that get upset that their lover or whatever is with someone else messing around and get mad at the person they are messing around with. Hell, there have been hundreds of movies, TV shows, and songs dedicated to someone getting revenge because of this. To those that say they would never cheat I'll wait for you to get back to me after you finally do. If you haven't been cheated on welcome to the world of dating or you just never found out. 

I've been cheated on twice...that I know of. Could've been more. But I didn't get mad at the guy she messed with (or girl in one case) because I wasn't dating them. I wasn't going to do was go on a rampage. I just went in both cases “I hope I was worth it” and left it there. Obviously I wasn't fulfilling some need they had or they had the chance and took it. Most people will not turn down some strange when they are in the mood for it or the strange they get at home isn't any good. So if you are being cheated on there is a good chance that your significant other is not happy with you. If you are the cheater chances are you're not happy. Either way deal with that shit. Just don't get caught. Or be in an open relationship. I can't do that (fear of booty cooties) but I hear it works great for others. 

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Grown Ass Man Tips: Running Your Mouth

Guys like to talk a lot of shit. Its just a thing that we enjoy. I like to talk shit as much as the next guy but I understand that there are certain times when running my mouth doesn't fit the situation and certain people that I don't run my mouth to. Not everyone knows this and they end up looking at a paramedic being asked how many fingers they see. 

When I was younger I thought that only kids and teenagers got into fights because they ran their mouth. I was so wrong. It never stops. You can see a 40 year old guy giving the finger an screaming at someone and the next thing you now he is screaming for help as someone who doesn't play by the same rules is yanking his dumb ass out the car.

A grown ass man knows not to run his mouth. Running your mouth is different than talking a lot. Talking a lot someone can say “Fuck, he won't shut up.” That's me. Running your mouth will have someone say “This bitch about to get knocked the fuck out.” As a grown ass man you shouldn't even hang out with another guy that runs his mouth. Why? Because he's gonna get your ass kicked or you're gonna have to jump in while he's getting his ass kicked. There are guys walking around testing everyone because they think that they can whip any ass. Its not true. We can all be beaten. And don't assume that because you are using your fists that the other guy is. There are a lot of guys walking around with scars and headaches because they didn't shut up. Don't be one of them.

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Grown Ass Man Tips: Borrowing Money

No grown ass man likes owing money. What is worse is having to borrow it in the first place. But the absolute worse thing is loaning money to someone and having to fight to get it back. There is a family member that I was already on the fence about that owes me almost $500 that I don't even want to hear from. 

People say when you loan a family member money that you might as well never expect to get it back. That shouldn't be true. I had to borrow $500 a couple of months ago and gave it back immediately. Did it hurt me to give it back financially? A tiny bit. But the feeling of owing money for me is way worse. Well, at least for me. I actually get physically ill. 

Grown Ass Man Tips: Nail Care

There are a lot of guys out there that talk mad shit when a woman doesn't have her nails done yet they walk around with their nails looking like they feed alligators by hand. Its not hard to take care of your nails and women do notice when you do (as do I). I personally keep my nails very short because its not fun using my punching bag with long nails and because I have hair right now and I don't like having long nails and hair at the same time.

But if you insist on having nails where white shows please clean them. It takes a minute. If you think you don't have the time to clean your nails then you shouldn't have time to be reading this. Just get a pointed nail file and get to work. If you're gonna shape your nails learn which shape works for what you do activity wise. If you're over the age of 12 you should under no circumstances be biting your nails! You're a grown ass man! You're probably thinking “My lady hasn't said anything...” and that's because she has so many other complaints about you that you're hobo nails are the least of her concerns.