Fuggit About It!

I feel a bit better after a combination of things. In the past few days I have spoken or hung out with the people I consider the closest to me in my life. I have the possibility of working on the horizon. I will be able to pay rent early. I have been writing more. And I have a feeling that religiously I am close to making a breakthrough.

I read this book my girlfriend let me borrow called “The Shack.” In the book something horrible happens to this guy. Actually, his life as a child was pretty shitty and it got better when he had kids and was married until something they call The Great Sadness happens.

Anyway, dude ends up speaking to God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit and asking questions that we’d pretty much like to ask God if we had the chance. Why does he let good people die? Why doesn’t He stop wars? Why does he let us hurt? Things like that. The writer explains things in a way that made me feel like an asshole for asking those kind of questions.

One of the main things the book about is forgiveness. I have a hard ass time with this one. So much that happens in our life we never let go of. This is particularly true with me. Since I have memories that go as far back as 9 months old, I have a lot of shit that is fresh in my head that can still upset me even 30 years later. Its not like, “Oh, yeah. I think I remember that.” Its more like, “Fuck. I totally remember that and this is what the weather was like and what I was wearing…” Forgiveness is not forgetting. I tend to mix the two up.

Forgiveness: act of forgiven; state of being forgiven; disposition or willingness to forgive.

Forget: to cease or fail to remember; be unable to recall: to forget someone's name; to omit or neglect unintentionally.

You can forgive your father for beating your ass but you can never forget it. Well, some people are really good at repressing shit and really cant remember stuff like that. I digress. I am going to make an effort to start letting shit go. Not holding in so much anger. I don’t wanna be the guy that walks around mad at the world because mommy and daddy didn’t love him or hug me enough. I think I have spent enough time doing that. Its one of those things where it seems so damned simple that you wish you had done it years ago. I hate admitting that sometimes I do something stupid way after the fact. This is what keeps me from doing more things because I talk myself out of it before trying.

I can try to forgive the bad stuff that has happened in my life. I can try and forgive the people that have affected me in horrible ways. It will be very difficult but I am still going to try. Wish me luck.

Rockets.