Dante vs. Nature 10

Most people are not honest. Being dishonest tends to be easier because you have to take others feelings into consideration. Unless you’re a dick. I’m a dick. When I saw a story about a mountain lion being shot in Santa Monica, so many thoughts ran through my mind.

1. Why in the fuck is a mountain lion in Santa Monica?


2. Oh, no! The cats are swimming? Its going down!


3. Poor Courtney Cox…

I hate nature. I’ve made this known to everyone in this series of blogs Dante Vs. Nature and in my last Rosscast. So when I found out that the thing was found and killed I didn’t shed a single tear. You know why? Because it’s a fucking mountain lion in Santa Monica!

I understand when you come across one of these when you’re hiking at Griffith Park. You’re in nature so if you come across nature you cant be shocked. But near the beach? The beach?! Fuck that. All bets are off. People are acting all pissed off about it being killed. I say figure out how it got that far and find its family and threaten them with bodily harm.

“A variety of means were used to try to keep the animal back in the courtyard” said Santa Monica Police Lt. Robert Almada. “The animal continued to charge and attempted to flee. It was euthanized to protect the public safety.”

"I'm heading to The Promenade!"

Before they 86’d this thing they did try to tranquilize it and hose it down, which I don’t know about you, but those two things will settle me right the fuck down. Half of that technique kept Black folks quite moist back in the day. And you know that if that thing had killed someone’s chihuahua they would be screaming “Where am the police’s?!”

“What was the rush?” asked Dyer, a regional director for In Defense of Animals, a nonprofit animal protection organization. “They should have taken their time. This land belongs to the animals, too. This is not just our land.”

Wrong! We people. If that mountain lion wanted to be where it was it would’ve scheduled an appointment or something using its opposable thumbs. Oh, that’s right. It’s a goddamn cougar and they don’t have thumbs to hold shit with. Thank god. That guy I quoted above is old anyway. He just remembers a time when people rode animals instead of these blasted horseless carriages.

Nature made its move and lost. Next time they it tries it may be successful. In which case people will remember the days when we had animals in cages instead of them holding laser whips and making fun of our smooth, hairless bodies.