The Tide Pod Challenge Is A Thing

Breaking news. Kids may be dumber than suspected. I saw this online and I hope that it is just the news making something out of nothing but it may be happening more than we are aware and that makes my brain sneeze. I have written about some dumb ass challenges that people do and post online like eating donuts, slipping on banana peels, snorting condoms, making themselves ugly, sucking bottles with their lips, setting themselves on fire, stabbing their hands while singing, and pouring salt and ice on their bodies. You know. Things folks think are fun to do for views. This time there is the Tide Pod Challenge. Yeah. That is a thing.

Tide Pods are for doing laundry. You just toss it in the laundry, it bursts somehow through science, and washes your draws. But now people are putting them on their mouths and eating or biting them. Why? If I could tell you why with a definitive answer I'd figure out a way to save the universe which I think I am currently doing by not reproducing.

On one news show the reporter said “I can't even believe I have to say this right now. They are brightly colored and they're very nicely wrapped, but these Tide pods are not candy or pizza toppings or breakfast cereal - they are not edible.” You shouldn't have to say that aloud to anyone that is old enough to understand the language you are speaking. 

Hey, idiot. Laundry detergent can fuck you up. I wish it made idiots sterile. I know that I could not be the parent of a kid that thought doing something like this was a good idea. I wouldn't even take them to the hospital. I'd just stare at them while they shit their soul out and try to find the missing chromosome in my lineage that could possibly be responsible for the punishment I was receiving in the form of a dumb child. Yeah, I snorted detergent when I was a tiny kid but it wasn't because I saw it on TV. I knew that cocaine was a thing and was simulating it. Totally different...

The American Association of Poison Control Centers reported that in the first eleven days of this year that there have been 40 cases reported of exposure to laundry pods ranging from ages 13 to 19. That means that the actual number is in the thousands because not everyone is going to the hospital and being honest. Last year the U.S poison control center got 10,500 reports of ids younger than 5 years old that ate these things and 220 cases with teens. By eating these you can experience trouble breathing, vomiting, fainting, or a seizure. You know. The fun shit.

The makers of Tide Pods, Procter & Gamble had to release a statement saying “Our laundry pacs are a highly concentrated detergent meant to clean clothes, and they're used safely in millions of households every day. They should be only used to clean clothes and kept up, closed and away from children. They should not be played with, whatever the circumstance is, even if it is meant as a joke.” You should not have to tell this to people! Lucky I don't have a company that makes something that idiots are consuming when they shouldn't.

“Listen up, idiots. I know that my memory foam waffle scented insoles smell delicious but they are not meant for humans to eat. Your dog can because they will just shit it out. But not you, human. I am assuming you are human because you can read this. Maybe I should use emojis so that you can understand me. It would be a frowny face, poop, and a death skull. Because you will get sick or die. Stop. Buy my shit.”