Saturday, April 25, 2015

Kids These Days 53

If you don't keep kids busy they will find a way to be stupid. Its science. When I was a kid we would get bored and go to sleep. Nowadays kids take pictures of themselves doing dumb shit and post it online. Gone are the days of The Knife Game, Salt & Ice Challenges, drinking liquid nitrogen, snorting Smarties, Krokodil, and fucking Hot Pockets. Yes, those are all real things and I have written about them. The new thing is the Kylie Jenner Challenge.

No, its not a thing where you challenge her to Mortal Kombat. What kids are doing is taking a shot glass, bottle, pill container, or the truly stupid a very small bottle, and sticking their lips into it to enlarge them. Below will be images that may gross you right the fuck out so proceed with caution.

You have been warned.

Yeah. That is a thing! That poor unfortunate soul decided to use a very small bottle to do this and the suction was so great that when she pulled her lip away it tore her stupid face. Now she'll have an awesome scar. Not from saving her family from a bear attack or surviving a car wreck. But from doing a stupid ass “challenge.” That word needs to be redefined. Yeah, a challenge is a competition. But I don't get what is competitive about being stupid.

A dermatologic surgeon which my spell checks questions named Dendy Engelman said “The new trend in trying to DIY lip plumping is quite concerning. Not only can significant pain, swelling and bruising result from these suction techniques but there is potential risk for scarring and permanent disfigurement with repeated attempts.”

There are kids wrecking their faces for life doing this. And why, you ask? Because they are dumb. And also to get lips like Kylie Jenner

Kylie has said that she did not get surgery for her lips and that it is just makeup. Now, if you believe that family and anything they say I'd like to introduce myself to you as Lord Dante of Jupiter. And my first rule as leader is rounding up children that do dumb shit like this and banning them from all technology so that they no longer have the ability to do this anymore. And maybe slap them around 80's style. 

Kylie is not supporting these dumb ass kids and what they are doing. She's probably just as confused as I am as to why kids are doing this. Or maybe she is too busy having alleged sex with a 25 year old man that left his wife and newborn child to allegedly fuck a 17 year old girl to make a quick video telling kids to cut this shit out. But she does have time to make one where she sticks her hands down the front of her sisters pants. I am not making this up.

There have been enough of these videos with kids doing this that there are compilations of them. Kids yanking bottles off their mouths and gasping or screaming in pain and seeing the results and being horrified. The results of this are akin to what a penis pump does. 

See, a penis pump pulls blood to the penis causing it to become erect. The result looks like a tube of cookie dough and not at all sexy. Why do I know all of this? I sold porn for 7 years of my life, that's why. But with those pumps there was a valve that when pulled released the air and your dick. With this nonsense it is just you yanking your mouth out of a small hole in the best case scenario looking like a jackass for the next day with bruises. Worst case some random guy in West Hollywood is writing a blog with a picture of your stupid face laying in a hospital bed looking like you just gave head to Satan. 

One of the funnier aspects of this are Black people being upset about big lips being the hotness right now. Black women are already mad that every other race has big asses now and if they don't naturally can buy them. Now the thing that was made fun of on Blacks, the bigger lips, is a thing that people are attempting to get. I can't wait for the Beaten By Cops Challenge to get rolling.

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