Would You Riot For Shoes?

There was a riot at a Florida mall over some new shoes (Only In Floridaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…!). Now, this is some shit that has been going on since I was younger. People would get fucking killed over a pair of Air Jordan’s which to me is up there with being killed over, well, shoes. Seriously, what a fucking retarded way to go. It’d be like being stabbed over some Penny Loafers in 1984.

Old school stab worthy.

People are going crazy over these new Nike Foamposite Galaxy that glow in the dark and cost $220. Yes. Shoes that glow in the dark for fucking grown ass people. You have to be out your goddamn mind to wait in line for a shoe unless you live in, like, Africa and a shipment just arrived for your village.

"You get near those Jordan's and I'll kill your face!"

Whenever there’s a story like this on the news I wonder to myself “What would I riot or wait overnight for?” Vagina? No. Food? Yes. Wait. Back to the vagina. Okay, no. Now I’m thinking about chicks I like and whether or not I would wait in line to have--hmm. That sounds like a gang bang. Back to these shoes. There is no shoe worth $220 or getting caught up in a fight over.

Blood stains will totally show on these.

Now for some shoes I would start some shit over? Those shoes from Back To The Future.

Fuck. Yes.

Those shoes are fucking awesome and someone spent thousands and thousands of dollars on them for charity. They look cool and have lights and shit but they don’t tie themselves which would be cool since I didn’t learn to tie my laces until I was 9 years old.

Because my parents hate me.

These shoes are cool but there’s nothing I own that would match these shoes but I still want them…just not enough to brave a potential riot for. If they came with a free hoverboard I so would though. I would fuck you up for a hoverboard. If you put me in a cage with a lion, a bear, and Courtney Love, I would stand victorious and covered in blood whilst holding my goddamn hoverboard above me head!

Straight up kill.